Post n° 100!

Horrah, horrah. I guess that means I’m just a big windbag. Hehe.

I’m trying to look up classes for this term, but the interwebz is being slow on the school site. The internet seems to like to block certain connections. I even went to Crate and Barrel’s website and nothin’. I couldn’t even access the site. I think it took so long to load that it timed out. I don’t really get it since even Qwest’s site loads like molasses. It just seems to take a very long time to ping to a server properly. I think there may be something wrong with the modem/router. I don’t really care all that much since I will most likely be spending way more time on campus this term than in the past. I wish I could do something about leaving Cooper for so long, but there really isn’t much I can do about him being home all day for so long. He’ll likely get over it, and Mom is home every day around four in the afternoon or so. Good thing is that my first class doesn’t start until noon and I have Fridays off.

I’m really looking forward to this new term. I feel confident that I will succeed because I have a good amount of medicine running in my brain. :-p All right, bed time for me.

things are looking up

It has been a rough week, but I’ve gotten through it…fortunately. I am kinda (barely) liking where I’m living for the moment. I would rather it were in a better location, but it will be really nice when I’m done fixing it up. My puppy is lying on my floor sleeping on his blanket. It’s quaint and cute, but it makes me feel normal. Sure I take hundreds of milligrams of medication every day, but I am not ill when I take them. Thankfully, I am getting better and better. Meds are working! I’m excited, and life goes on.

Ugh my hard drive is click click clicking, I hope it’s not failing…Apple will owe me a new drive if it does. I do what they recommend every time I carry my laptop. My computer was completely silent when I first got it. This always happens to my drives. I think I may need to turn my firewall back up to keep people out! Hehe. ’kay, I’m taking an Ambien and going to bed.

A long few days

When you don’t have medication for a week, it can wear on you for many reasons. On the plus side, I got my meds yesterday. On the negative side, it’s going to take a few days for the meds to take full effect. So for now I’m experiencing some acute psychosis. Paranoia and hallucinations for the past couple days. I’m hoping that it will pass as fast as it came on. I need to get up kind of early tomorrow to take care of some stuff around here. It will be an adventure this weekend coming into next week full force going back to school full time—that’s sixteen credits not twelve—getting some stuff wrapped up for my place, and doing laundry.

For school, I went to campus yesterday and I want to take some classes that I can’t technically take out of sequence, so I am going to have to do a special studies class for color theory, a type class, and an art history class. I am going to try to squeeze in one more class, but we’ll see how that goes. I might have to change it up so I can go to school full time all year rather than part of the year, which was my prior plan. As long as I complete all 79 credits in the next 24 months (well it’s less than than, but I don’t want to do the math for it right now). I will be graduated with a Bachelor of Art in Graphic Design. I won’t know Web stuff, but I can learn that later with community college classes while I am working in a firm later. This year I am going to focus on improving my GPA and putting together a fantastic résumé. For now, I am going to plan on having a relaxing Sunday before classes begin, and I have to do a ton of stuff to get into them on Monday.

For now, rest comes. I bid you all good evening.

day five

without medication…we’ll see how it goes.

So I’ve been taking this new mood stabilizer for over a month now. It has been absolutely fantastic. My mood has been stable. I’ve been productive. Everything has been going great.

Then last week, I ran low. I went to go order more, but my insurance pooped out on me so I’ve been on the phone almost nonstop trying to get a hold of someone at my insurance. When you have state insurance, you have to jump through a million hoops and call them about 50 times before you actually get to a real person. The real problem is that I don’t have my caseworker’s name or extension. It pretty much fucking sucks ass.

The problem with going this long without meds is that I’m starting to go a little manic. So I’m going to go now and try to rest. I can’t focus worth a damn. We’ll see how it goes…

typeface

I’m a little obsessed…

I am loving graphic design I have been studying it for just over a year and I find that it’s ever more enjoyable than practicing architecture. I love to make things instantly and be able to see the results without having to spend hours after laborious hours making something out of cardboard and wood. No, thanks, not anymore anyway. But one problem I’ve had is my aching back after sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. I think that I need a little timer that goes off every 30 minutes to remind me to get up and go for a short walk. Not only will this keep me awake to work longer, it will also help me to remain focused for extended periods of time without relying on the internet for distractions, which can in the end be more detrimental than harmful. So I can put some water to boil in my new thing—awesome and amazing—and walk about my place a for a few minutes. Awesome…

Anyway, so today wasn’t as productive as I was hoping it would be. But I’d run myself to the end of what I could handle for a few days. I did get everything done on my list that I could get done, except no meds because the pharmacy at Costco is closed Sunday. Argh. Oh well. I got lots of other stuff done today.

It’s entirely too late for me to be up today for as much as I have to do tomorrow. I really need to cool it, but I have so much to do I really can’t at the moment. So much to do to prepare for school prior to going back on the 29th—in seven days! A week! :( It certainly has a way of sneaking up on you, doesn’t it? Must go drink some chamomile tea and sleep. (Yes, sleep.)

PS I tried to put “REALLY LATE!” on the post time but it won't let me, damn Google…or should it be Googol? Sleep comes. Soon I hope.

posing a threat

so no funny business…

I’m up late and bored. Honestly that’s not a problem, but I have to get to sleep because I have yet another fun-filled day tomorrow. But we’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Today and yesterday, however, were very much fun filled…fun filled indeed. Yesterday, I went downtown to take care of some school issues. I got my financial aid figured out—finally!!—got the hold lifted off my account so I can register for classes. It was a catch-22 I couldn’t register for classes because I don’t have financial aid and my account is negative by 1200 (this doesn’t include the 12 more credits that I will enroll in now). So I needed financial aid, but I can’t get full aid unless I am registered full time, which means 12 or more credits. So I went to business affairs and said, “Bitches, you better let me register for classes!” Well not really, but you get the idea, and basically it was taken care of in the end and, horray! I can register for classes!

I was so excited to register for classes that I went directly to the art department to talk to someone about the classes I am going to take this term—I need permission to take classes which I haven't taken prereqs for…more red tape—only to find out that the art department is closed on Friday for the summer. I was pissed, but I decided to go Monday instead, which is not a big deal. Thus concludes my Friday.

Today, I got up at noon! I haven’t slept that late for quite some time. But I needed the rest. Surprisingly, I got an incredible amount accomplished today, so brace yourself. I dug a hole within thirty minutes of getting up, which for me is quite a feat because I don’t do well with anything within about two hours of waking. But I got out there anyway and got dirty and sweaty! OMG sweaty. I’m pretty sure this moved from the realm of sexy sweaty to the point of being quite disgusting. It was so horrible that it was dripping into my eyes, which, in case you didn’t know, burns quite horribly. I inherited the damned Italian sweat and body heat gene. This is of course dependent on the stereotype, which I am unashamedly promoting and prolonging. Anyway, I was digging this hole to get some electrical conduit for the place my mom and I just happen to be staying for the next few months. We got the septic line set, the water hooked up, and power to both rigs. Exciting, right? Well it is for us because I am happily in my trailer with full power and a working water heater and refrigerator.

We even went to the store to go grocery shopping. I think the most exciting purchases today at the grocery store were this great little electric tea kettle, which doubles as a little soup cooking thing, and this thing called Dry-Z-Air, which will help keep the moistness from creeping in to my house and ruining my clothes and paper. The only disconcerting thing about the liquid it collects is that it’s environmentally hazardous, it corrodes metal and will eat through any organic material. Yikes! I think what I will end up doing is collecting the stuff in a plastic bucket and taking it to the dump for safe processing.

Wow, this post is really long and I have so much more to share too. Later though…

an end to it all

You’d think it’d never end, but it really does. I’m officially moved into my new place…I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s temporary. I am only going to stay here for a short while—a year at most. But for this next chapter in my life, I’m not going to just sit idly by. This is a new year (my years kind of start in September for school reasons), and it will be a good year.

I have to get to bed…more fun filled days to follow. I will fill you in on how it goes tomorrow with my counselor and Wednesday with my psychiatrist.

Palin and the never-ending merry-go-round

Sooooo..... I have decided to diverge from my normal self-indulgent rantings and focus on something a little more…worldly. Governor Palin recently had her first interview on television. and let’s just say she more than disappointed me. I am all for having a woman in office, but I don’t understand what she says most of the time in this interview. She runs Charlie Gibson round in circles. She never gives a direct answer. I want to know what the hell she believes.



For what ABC cut out of the interview click here. Although this site is generated by a proponent of the right, I think it's important to hear—well read—the entire interview after you watch the clip.

Also a note on the subtext on the video. I don’t really care for the notes and you may toggle it off. However, I also don’t care how much executive experience a president has. A fat lot of good it did in the case of George W. Bush.

post title here

It’s another one of those long sleepless nights that no amount of relaxation or reading a book can take care of. So I’m up at three in the morning, typing to an audience that doesn’t exist save a few friends.

Since I’m up though, I’ll give a short update on how things are going in the world of the Amoeba (i.e., Single-Celled Organism). Let’s see. I think a bullet list will suffice here…

• We have successfully packed out of our old place.
  
  It took us a few days to get everything packed out, but in the end we did it. I have more shit that I first thought. Surprisingly though, it is all art and/or architecture related aside from clothing and techno-crap.
  
  
• My mother has more clothes than one person should ever be allowed to have.
  
  I didn’t count, but I think I packed out at least two dozen hangers, not to mention her boxes of clothes and accessories. Seriously…
  
  
• My puppy is decidedly out of control.
  
  He’s going through horrible anxiety about the move. Plus, he’s got the “terrible twos” for puppies. Actually, what is happening is that we aren’t spending enough time with him and training daily as we ought. When a dog is young like this, they tend to require extra attention. One thing I can say though is that he is undoubtedly attached to me—which can be a problem when he hasn’t seen me all day and leaps from one vehicle to chase the one I’m driving. It’s dreadfully full of anxiety when he won’t come when he is called.
  
  
• Tomorrow we are spending much of the day cleaning our old place.
  
  We have moved everything but the stuff we are taking to Goodwill, and now we must clean up to make life easier on the new tenants. I always find it incredibly rude for people moving out not to clean up after themselves. My grandparents used to own some apartments, and people would just up and move without even cleaning up anything. It was quite disgusting considering that the people who stayed there were sub-poverty. When I would help them clean up an old apartment for the next tenant, it would invariably end up with me being sick for a while after. Let’s just say I don’t deal well with other people’s dirt.
  
  
• Tomorrow also is the day I plan on moving my trailer in to where it will reside, and so myself, for the next six months to (hopefully less than) a year.
  
  I have grand plans for my little 24-foot camping trailer. As pictured earlier, it is brown—very brown. I want to paint the walls white. Also, I’m going to look into how much it will cost to buy Roman shades at IKEA versus how much it will cost to make them. I kind of like the idea of making them because I can choose my own fabric and custom fit them to each window.
  

I should be horribly, horribly tired—and I am—but I can’t sleep. I think I get myself so wound up that I can't possible sleep because my mind is rushing though a thousand thoughts at once, so much so that I can hardly think to write this entry. There are so many things I want to say that may or may not have anything to do with my day or days to come. This ended up being substantially longer than I expected, but so much is going on that I can’t truncate this. I’ll do my best to make it readable…

sleep at eleven

wake at seven.

Seems easy enough. Only tricky part is that I need to take medicine to get to sleep this early. Here’s to trazadone and to a good night’s sleep. My dog acts as a sufficient alarm clock because when he hears Mom get up in the morning he’s wanting to go see her. It’s pretty cute. I just have a lot to do tomorrow that I didn’t have a chance to get to today because I friggin’ woke up at 12:30 PM…bleargh! Well here goes nothing, if not for a long night of sleep and dreams :D

‘whoa’

definition::What you say when life throws you a doozy.

Well, last night Mom and I stayed at her folks’ place, whose property we will be staying on for the time being. I went back to our old place to start packing out some more stuff, and I noticed something taped to the door…it was a notice from our landlord stating that we have until Monday to pay our rent in full or we have to move out. Basically, it was an eviction notice that was put nicely.

I have a problem with this issue though. Mom and I had arranged for us to be able to pay the rent on the 25th of this month rather than at the first of the month prior to when it was due. Since we spoke to her in August, we thought everything was fine. Well, then she wanted us to provide something in writing, but you know how it is when you have to pack every day and Mom is working all the time. We just have had no time or energy to divert to such a mundane task. Well it turns out that it was more important to her than we expected. So now she expects a full month’s rent—which isn’t going to happen because we gave our 30 days notice last month on the 21st and we aren't going to pay that either since she’s kicking us out on the 15th—or else for us to move out of her parents’ apartment.

Mom thinks that she freaked out when she came over to our apartment and saw much of it packed and gone. I’m not sure what went down, but I’m kinda glad it did happen because it lit a fire under our asses to get this shit moved fast. I was enjoying taking it slow for a time, but it’s time we kicked it into high gear to move on. I’m SO over Milwaukie, Redneck, Oregon…more than you’ll ever know—seriously.

roller coaster

…don’t stop ’til you get enough.

Well, it finally hit me. Soon after my last post, I had a breakdown. I was digging a hole for my new digs, and I realized that the reality of moving was impending. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I freaked out. Completely. I had a big break down. I had some very violent and scary impulses about hurting others. I’m not sure if it was a psychotic break. I remember everything, but I know that it wasn’t me thinking the thoughts.

I don’t know what was all going through my mind, but I wanted to know what triggered this kind of crazy version of me. As I thought more about it, I realized that the stress of moving was too much for me at that moment. I hadn’t put much thought into it prior to that day, and it washed over me with more power than it might have with someone else. I have moved more in my short 23 years than most people will move in their lifetime. What I can remember is that I moved thirteen times before I reached my eighteenth birthday. A few of those moves were very traumatic and moving once more triggered those latent feelings.

It took me about a week for fully recover from that incident. But I have a handle of my past feelings and will learn to deal with them more fully as time goes on and my counselor and I work together. It looks like it will be a difficult, but fruitful adventure when all is said and done. More to come of my saga for self-improvement later. Cheers for now.

new digs

These images are pretty crappy so bear with me…

What the ungodly outside looks like. Kinda embarrassing, but I’m broke so…

Kitchen…nothing to see, moving right along.

View of “living room” with a very uncomfortable couch. It will house my work desk and Cooper’s bed.

View of my bed ><; I'm trying to imagine a bright wall color (probably white) with Roman shades on all the windows. My goal is to make it more livable and more worth taking camping also…

chinese checkers

a fun game with fond childhood memories...but is it really Chinese?

That makes me really want to go get a chinese checkers game! I'll have to invest in one. :)

I have an early day tomorrow so I'll keep this brief. We almost have the entire downstairs packed out. All but the essentials are out of the office and living room. I'm going to have to pick up some more and get more active in packing if we are to move in three weeks. OMG three more weeks. Sigh I'm so over moving every few years. I want to go to Boston and meet a boy and settle down and have our 2.5 kids and have a house abroad. We'll live in Boston some years and in our other house some years. Haha...at least a boy can dream.

More to come! <3

stress

They tell me it’s a good thing…but I don’t believe them.

I had a long stressful Saturday. First we had to get up early to pack boxes. After that we packed the car. Then we went to my great grandpa’s 87th birthday party…god, that’s old. The thing about the party is that there were a bunch of people I hardly know. The only reason to go the shit like that though is the free food. After that we packed boxes out of the car and into the little house we’re storing our stuff until we can find a place of our own.

For the next few months, though, I’m going to be living in our camping trailer, and Mom will be in my grandparents’ 5th wheel which we have named Bernadette. I’m going to have my own space though, and I’m excited about that. I am going to be living on my own. I’ll have privacy more than I have had for quite some time. When we go to move out I have a feeling I’m going to be getting a place of my own or finding place that is more private—and away from Mom. I love her, but I’ve got to get away. More on that later.

For now, sleep.

my life, in boxes

which substantially better than being in pieces.

So we're moving once again. I knew this place wasn't going to be permanent, but it still sucks nonetheless. While my life hasn't been the best (and far from the worst) I've been through more than many fifty year olds. I haven't been shot at physically, but I have been shot at verbally and emotionally from both peers and respected adults. I haven't been in a war, but I've fought many a battle within as well as with others who betrayed me. Before I turned eighteen, I had moved more than a dozen times, lived in two foster homes, been told (and made to believe) being gay was wrong and a sin, was forced to use church as an escape from my hellish home life, and the list could go on and on. Well I'm going to discuss this with my counselor, and although it won't be easy, we're going to try to piece together my fragmented life.

Keep an eye out for more news as time goes on.

think

...then act.

So I like to title my blog entries random things that have absolutely nothing to do with my entry. I find that, while initially confusing, it’s more entertaining and it does help guide me along in my writing.

Well, August is almost over, and like the month so is summer term! w00t! I am excited that summer term is over. I am officially done with classes for the summer and have a month “off” to spend gearing up for the next nine months of torture. Haha. I can’t think of it that way. I have to think of it as taking one step at a time. I have to take certain classes to expedite my degree. And I have to get this registration hold lifted from my account. I have a list…it has been written. “Let it be written. Let it be done.”

Cheers

headache and heartache

…all wrapped up into one.

New meds are helping, but slowly. Also they are making me not hungry (I’ve lost 10 pounds in one week), they're blurring my vision, and giving me horrible headaches that make me sleep for hours and hours. Actually last night it was so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I was suffering from muscle pain as well, making it impossible for me to sleep also.

No risk of that tonight...sleeping pills....kicking in.......night!

feeling down

It's all a matter of perspective. I suppose not having left the house willingly for the past week is unhealthy and self-destructive, but life goes on and I will be better. I just hate having a depression. I read in a book An Unquiet Mind that bipolar medication can take years to fully take effect. Sigh… There is no easy solution, no easy fix for a disorder than can destroy your life. The risk for suicide is minor, but it's still there. Thankfully, I’m not suicidal right now, but I know it’s a hazard if the moods get out of hand. I just have to get a hold of these moods if I am to get better.

Here’s to staying positive.

i HATE homophobia…

Pretty much it sucks a gorilla dick…which, in case you didn’t know, are tiny.

For my pastime I play World of Warcraft. In case you didn’t know, you play with many people at the same time. And of course those people are sometimes socially…inexperienced. And often the people that play are country bumpkins with nothing better to do. With country bumpkins come rednecks…and homophobia seems to be a rite of passage for fuckin’ rednecks. Every insult is a gay slur. “That’s gay” is broadcast across millions of computers at the same time—and no one says a thing. I usually say, “What’s wrong with being gay?” or “How is that gay?” or something else that probably gets me on many people’s ignore lists. The point is, I want people to be aware of how often they actually say “That’s gay” whether or not they think of it as a slur—or of themselves as homophobic. I figure planting a seed by using humor is more effective than telling people off.

Here’s to changing the world, one homophobe at a time…

nerds ahoy!

So I have decided that I'm not a big a nerd as I thought I was. While, yes I am well-versed in science and technology, I don’t really pay much attention to shall we say “geek” things. Comic books, most video games, much of the science fiction world just hold no appeal to me. I watch Star Trek: Voyager, but much beyond that I don't do much in the way of nerdhood (nerddom? I’m not sure). I think I'm more of an intellectual than a nerd. I know the technology of science, but fantasy has its limits for me. People who spend their whole lives following the X-Men legacy of comic books are just not me…

Well on that note, I’m out for now. More to talk about next time....

some like it rough

Well, it's been a while since my last post. I've had a rough past week. Well, let's back track to last Monday. I went to go see my psychiatrist for the first time and he gave me a well-liked mood stabilizer, while backing me down off the antidepressant. He also gave me a medicine for anxiety and insomnia...and whoa! That's some hardcore stuff. Let's just say it's a mild sedative and it's quite calming. Anyway the new drugs are fine I think, but after my bit of hypomania last week I was starting to feel the crash.

It's been a hard couple of days; one conflict after another, not caring about anything, being reclusive. It just ain't pretty. Also my--I'm not sure what to call him--sperm donor?--had a heart attack. He went in for triple bypass yesterday and he is doing well as can be expected. As much as I'd like to think I'm 100% indifferent, some part of me is worried. I think I'm mostly disturbed that he might die before I can tell him how I feel. I don't know I just feel like punching the shit out of him for putting me through the hell he did. But I'm not quite ready to tell him how I feel quite yet.

Jeez I can't imagine why I feel like shit.

‘Not Now But Soon’

Imogen Heap has put out a new single that she wrote for the television show Heroes. While I dislike that show it is a good song. When you buy the single on iTunes, you get a making-of video along with it. It is awesome to see her process in creating the beautiful sounds she does. I love Immi as she's known to her fans; she is honest in her music and while it is electronic her style isn't overly machined or processed. You can tell she struggles to find a balance in her compositions. Another thing I appreciate is that she writes all her own music--sometimes even on the fly. If something bothers her, like a certain sound or whatever, she will make herself integrate it into the song. It makes for quite a colorful range of sounds. For instance in the song “Hide and Seek,” she recorded herself cooking dinner and used it to give the song more depth, which is just her on her vocoder otherwise. In the song “Locusts” from the Plague Songs album, she limited her percussion to locust sound bites she got from a museum database.

All in all, she is amazing even though she's not as popular as mega pop stars, but that’s what makes her music special. It’s not overplayed on the radio--although my iPod probably gets tired of playing the same thirty songs all the time. LOL...

huh?

why on earth would anyone want to watch this film?

hope and its counterpart are both fleeting

but you must experience one to know the other.

Life is full of paradoxes. There is balance that is brought to life. Any significant period of peace is generally preceded by some amount of conflict. We cannot enjoy one without first knowing the other. It is the concept of the ying and the yang. The symbol for this has become ubiquitous recently, but it perfectly expresses what I'm saying. Opposites are never truly opposite each other; there is always some part of ying in yang and some yang in ying. Something different would throw off balance and it would either correct itself or it would have to be corrected by choice.

Sometimes this correction process is violent. There is some struggle to bring balance to one's life. For me picking up my fragmented life is going to drudge up some undesirable emotions that will need to be dealt with. And I need friends to support me through the process. I know a few friends who would likely lend a listening ear or a supportive shoulder if I need it. It is time for me to pick up the pieces and become a whole person.

Mania Schmania

I stayed up late last night. It was four in the morning but right now it's six in the morning and I'm not even tired. Well I am a bit tired, nothing like you'd think. For a person with a normally working brain, chemicals monitor when a person becomes tired. But for someone experiencing bipolar mania, those chemical cues don't happen. Synapses misfire or a person in a manic sense interprets the synaptic input differently than someone of a normally functioning brain. Of course normal is relative, but when it inhibits my interaction with the world around me it is considered a disabling condition. So I lie here on the sofa watching television and messing around on the Internet on my iPod, trying to calm my raucous mind down someway while at the same time knowing that if I sleep now my entire day will go away. I will likely sleep until three or four in the afternoon.

Well, yesterday I went to my therapist. I've decided to move forward in my therapy and to dig deeply to figure out the root to many of my issues. While much of it is private I'll try to share what I feel comfortable sharing. Until then, I'm going to try to live my life to the best of my ability.

it is late...

I really hate when you roll over and see that it's almost 4 AM. I mean your iPod has a goddamn clock built into it...

lovin' it...but then again not so much

I have had an interesting past four weeks. I took a basic design class which has actually turned out a successful portfolio piece for my submission to the graphic design program. It has been an adventure and though not an entirely successful one a good one to say the least.

I have finally made a connection with faculty at PSU. My page layout (and in the past other graphics classes) is awesome. She's been doing graphic design for ages and she knows her shit. We always have good coversations about design and computers, exchanging useful information. Six more weeks of this class is going to be great. I'm really digging it now.

That's all for now! Byeeeee....

slow connections and headaches

Well, my internet connection is being a bugger these days. It is really fast, but the connection to start is rather delayed. It is quite annoying, but it does get the job done eventually. The only problem is running the internet on my iPod which doesn’t seem to like it and times out most of the time on our network. Thankfully, our neighbor’s WiFi isn’t secured so I’m free to bootleg his internet. I don’t feel bad about it because I pay for my own internet; I just have issues with my $45/month subscription. It seems to be working okay as long as I'm patient when starting up a new web page. Now if only the phone company were easier to deal with.

Well it is Tuesday and the week is half gone and I’m working diligently on my book for art115. I pulled some random idea out of my ass just before I went to class this afternoon, and of course it was brilliant. I really just have a mind for design. I surprise even myself sometimes. I will post the PDF of the book as soon I complete it. It is this kind of interesting artful take on something scientific. I took the idea of a single atom, oxygen, something rather banal and changed it into something expressive and understandable to a broader audience. I can only hope the end product is as well accepted as the concept.

Another thing though, is that Cooper has been driving me absolutely bonkers. He is going through one of those testy, whiny phases. He’s discovered that whining gets him attention, now whether he likes being told to shut up still being up for debate. Anyway, he is best when ignored. He will usually calm down within a couple minutes if he is ignored completely. The only bad part is that he knows the perfect yelp to basically blow out our eardrums. It sucks when it gets that obnoxious—I can’t even concentrate at that point. I just hope he survives the heat a bit better than he’s been doing.

Well, a lot happened today. Lots more to come this week. Cheers.

a wonderful weekend

I just sent off my good friend back to Salem. He is such a sweetie. We met a while ago when I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for friends. He was one of the few that replied and he seemed nice and even though he is overweight, he’s quite sweet and a great guy. He spent the night last night, and he and I slept very well. I was surprised that I slept as well as I did considering it’s so stifling warm. There’s something oddly comforting about sleeping next to someone you care about. It was so nice we plan on doing it again soon.

As I begin week four, I hope that the next few days are bearable as I have a ton of work to do.

a week of stress? perhaps, but it should be worth it in the end

I have completed yet another week of classes. With three weeks officially under my belt, one might think I was doing great, and I am but things are getting rough. As I write this on my iPod, I look forward to a restful weekend. I have tasks that must be completed, they are minor. For my 2D design class, I have to start making my final book. We are making a book that is free that will express all the very few concepts we have learned. It should be interesting to say the least. For my page layout class, I need to continue finding and formatting text. I have already found some phenomenal images that I hope to include in this book.

It is kinda stressful having to make two books in the same term, but the good part is that my 2D design class is all right brain and the page layout class is all left brain. So I'm getting both sides of my brain worked out and it's freakin' it out! :D I just have to lie here and listen to loud music and allow my brain to leave for a while.

On another great note, I am having a semi-boyfriend over this weekend. But before he can even consider coming over I've got to clean my room. It's so messy it's embarrassing at this point. Gross, gross, gross!!!!

Okay it's really late. I have more to talk about, but it will have to wait for tomorrow. Cheers!

party in...well I'm not really sure where, actually

Well another Monday has gone by and it was slightly good! I went to go see my counselor, whom I haven't seen for quite some time. It was a fruitful visit. We discussed how my mom and I are perhaps a bit too codependent on each other. I have experienced some unexplained anger toward her and we decided that perhaps Mom and I are a little too "enmeshed" as my counselor put it. I would have to agree. I think that what we have is wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better intervention when I was sixteen. But there comes a time when the birds must leave the nest. I do believe my time has come to make some important strides toward independence. The only problem with bringing it up to Mom is she always brings up money...and since I have none she supports me somewhat. I would love to be more financially independent but that's just not feasible at this point. I would really like to find a few clients for whom I can design some webpages and other business stuff for but that goal seems like it's getting further and further out of my grasp. I have a few clients in the works--one of whom doesn't have any semblance of a website which is actually quite unnerving simply because creating something from the ground up is quite difficult. However, I do feel adequate enough to take on the job even though I've only ever done very simple personal websites.

Well enough chit chat...I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

ticking along...life is like a timebomb

I am writing this from my iPod once again. It's turning out to be more useful than I imagined. I had to turn off the click of the keyboard because that's just annoying. I do rather like the option of turning on a bit of music while I write. I can sit back and enjoy some Beatles or Depeche Mode and write some tunes-inspired entry. After this though I have to get to sketching out some grid patterns for my page layout class. I am really enjoying that class. As for my basic design class, I find the curriculum deplorable but it gets the job done so I may as well do a good job since it's so easy.

I've been surfing the web these days and have come across some interesting sites. I'll take some time to list them out tomorrow when my bookmark list is handier to get to. For now though I'm going to read this book about typography and sketch some...seems like my whole life is about sketching or making something. Ah, the life of a designer/artist.

thursday = friday

Well, since today is my Friday, I get a three-day weekend every week. It is very nice. I rather enjoy taking classes in the summer simply because I can chill out. Teachers and students alike are definitely more chill in the summer than during the regular academic year. And I think that I may have found a professor that I actually connect with at PSU. At UO I had quite a few, but here at PSU I have yet to find a really cool professor that I truly respect and admire. So for now I really like my digital design teacher. She is really cool, and she knows her shit. I really would like to see stuff that she’s done. I really quite enjoy going to her class even if it’s only twice a week…my 2D design class is another issue altogether, but I’m not about the let that get me down. I have to keep telling myself it will be an easy A even though she says she’s a tough grader. ☢

Good night!

This says it all…

I think this pretty much sums up how today felt. Puppies are so expressive :)

a life in the day...

I am writing this from my iPod so forgive any indiscrepencies before they happen. The auto-complete function is only so-so at best.

I went to class today grudgingly, and while I was there I was bored out of my mind. It's not that the subject matter is bad--how could it be? it's basic design for god sake. Now I'm not the only one who complains about the class. There are plenty of my colleagues who are in the same boat. The teacher has distilled the curriculum so much that it's kind of lost its meat. It has lost its luster and become something so rote that it has been abstracted from the real art world.

Well, it's not my classroom so I can't make changes, but at the end of each term we students have the opportunity to fill out a form stating whether or not we liked the professor and reasons for whatever we said. Let's just say ahead of time that she's not getting a good grade from me.

On a lighter note, Mom and I were driving to get her Burgerville and there was this super cute old beagle wandering around outside our apartment. He looked placid and sorta happy-go-lucky so we decided to go pick him up and see what his tags said. Well, it turned out he lived right down the street from us, but the complex where he was from was impossible to navigate from the street. We decided to load him up and take him (along with Cooper) to Burgerville. I have to say that for a nine-month-old puppy Cooper is doing great. He just sniffed the old dog--whom we lovingly called "Papa Smurf"--calmed the young one up quite a bit. Of course Cooper wanted to play with Papa Smurf and Papa Smurf wanted nothing to do with it, but it was interesting to see the pack dynamic with dogs first hand. Mom and I are the alphas but Cooper moved below Papa Smurf--puppy antics or no. Well at the end of our trip to Burgerville we got a return call from the dog's owner. And I think that Papa Smurf was as sad to leave us as we were to leave him. Have fun Papa Smurf! Perhaps we shall meet again...

I'm enjoying life again!

I know life isn’t perfect, but I believe we can enjoy life even in the worst of times. 2008 is halfway over, and I have wasted most of it. I have decided that life is too precious to let it waste away. I’m done with the down and I’m on with the up. My medication seems to have balanced out...except that my pharmacy screwed it up last time I went to fill it. I have a new computer that is so amazing that I can’t help but be grateful for it each day. I am taking design classes this summer—and I’m enjoying them! It’s the first time in a long time that I have felt enjoyment in an activity that would have felt boring and drab just a few months ago.

I think that by focusing on me so much in the past few months that I’ve actually failed as a person. Life isn’t perfect, and the more you focus on that the more you will be disappointed in it. You must learn to accept it all—good and bad. I have learned this the hard way in the past couple of years. In fact, life threw me a curveball. Someone I liked freaked out and stopped talking to me. It seemed odd in the beginning, but then I understood what the problem was. He just isn’t ready to be in a relationship—which is just fine with me! I don’t want to drag someone down and I definitely don’t want someone else to drag me down. I've certainly had my fill of “downness” for several people. No more feeling down or blue for no reason.

I am going to get out in life and live to the fullest! Happy July!

i got my new mac!

So I got my new MacBook Pro in the mail today! I'm so excited to get started designing on this thing. I look forward to what I can make on this thing. It is light years ahead of my old laptop—unbelievably so that it blows everything I used to do out of the water. I can have huge files open because I have tons of RAM…4GB in fact. But unfortunately it is much much too warm to get anything done. With it being nearly 100°F, it's really much too hot to do much of anything besides lie around. And with that, I'm off to cool down...enjoy sub-Saharan African weather in June in Oregon... :D

ch-ch-changes!

Well, last night the date I was supposed to have flaked on me. It's one thing after another it seems. I have other people that I like more, so this is not really worth my time :P Opportunities open or close for a reason I suppose. Maybe Mom is right, and this guy is some psycho or something. Whatever it is, there has to be a reason for this not working out. I may meet him once and not do it again. We'll see. Any advice would help!

Anyway, there is a guy with whom I play World of Warcraft that I'm really interested in meeting. He seems like a really nice guy. He's a total goof ball, living at home but planning on going to college next fall and moving out (and he really needs to also), and he's tall (me likey). He's not exactly my perfect physical type but we get along so well online that I'm sure I could get over that. There's nothing a little hair styling and clothes can't help out (me for example, heehee). Did I mention he's a redhead? Definitely mysterious and sexy.

I quit my job at Oaks Park. I couldn't stand working with trashy people (both employees and customers) everyday. Mom said it perfectly: I just outgrew the job. It worked fine for me when I was fresh out of high school and naïve. But being the mom she is, she also said that I've "grown up" a lot in the past year or so. It makes sense to me. I want to be on my own, I want love and companionship, and I want independence and a career. I'm tired of being a kid all the time. I want to be able to have the things in life that I've desired for so long: a husband and family of my own, a nice house/apartment somewhere close to my job, a close small circle of friends, and freedom to do as I choose. It's not a lot of ask for, but I still have a few years of preparation to be able to do it. Time will tell, and the anticipation that I may be able to do/have these things is motivation for me to do what I have to do. I already have a start on my family with my puppy Cooper.

All right now to go clean house. apply for work, and do some much neglected homework. Happy Sunday, everyone!

when your gaydar is broken...

The title has nothing to do with my entry. I just think it odd that people judge me as anything, gay or straight or whatever. I don't fit the stereotype of gay. I am even less gay than Will from Will & Grace. But I digress before I even begin...

I am saving for a new computer. I have in my hot little hand $350 for it too. I have just over $200 coming in the mail, bringing my progress to 22% of the total $2480 cost for a new MacBook Pro. I'm getting it with my $200 student discount, but I'm upgrading the ram for $180. My old Dell Latitude D810 is tired and about to break. The screen is already broken. But I'm going to save in the next few months and hope to have enough money by the end of June!

In other news, I'm going on a date tomorrow night. I have to work all day at Oaks Park, then I will meet this guy downtown at Henry's for dinner. The funny part is that Mom is telling me to watch out and make sure he's not like some Jeffery Dahmer or something. I mean seriously...I'm not going to his house. And I probably not going to go to his house for quite some time. I learned my lesson the first time with the last guy I "dated." Ugh. Lesson learned, I suppose. My plan this time is to just hang out with him, see if I like him, if it's worth my time to even get to know him. We'll take it from there. Sorta let my mind guide my heart and dick where they should go...not let my other head take over like happened last time.

In other news, my puppy developed kennel cough. Ruh-roh. We took him to the vet and we got him some cough suppressant and an antibiotic. Puppies are so expensive, but I think it's worth it in the end to have a healthy, good dog.

Anyhoo, I'm going get to bed now..late night.

school: week 4

So week four of spring term 2008 was blah...I dropped basic design because I was three weeks behind in work, which turned out to be hell going to the horse show last weekend. I had over 12 hours of homework to do...but I didn't ever have the opportunity to catch it up. Oh well I already took basic design anyway. Nothing interesting happened this week, which is probably why I didn't write anything lol.

Well, I have a story for today though...I was trying to clean up my flash drive. But instead of organizing it and making it perty, I erased ALL my work from this term for my digital graphics class. As you may have guessed I haven't taken the time to back up my work yet. >< That will teach me!!!!

In other bad news, I'm coming down with a cold. So when I go to work tomorrow, I will be carrying around tissues and washing my hands whenever possible. I don't feel like sharing...I should probably call in sick, but I can't really afford it. :P I'm unsuccessfully saving for a new computer monitor...that's most of the reason I haven't been blogging regularly. I need portability....and of course everything fails at the same time....my power cord is on the fritz too. Blearghhh!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm being a total downer....so for some good news! I met someone online a while back and we've clicked online...so I'm open to dating. But you never know until you meet someone...you can have great talks on the phone and online, but chemistry is 90% of it. So here's hoping for the best. He seems like a great guy, and he thinks the same about me from what he's said.

Well, I'm off to bed to sleep off this cold. Nyquil, baby!

insomniacs anonymous

I am in a weird place right now. I really enjoy my life...mostly. It's just really frustrating when you get stuck somewhere. I have been stuck in a place for a long time. It hasn't been a good place. But I'm on the up. Like my last entry a while back, I felt like a fire burned within me, trying to get out. It consumed everything around me, but never me. The ironic part about the fire was that the passion with the fire was still trapped in me. I recently got it out. It's not as rapturous as the 'phoenix' story; it's more of a process than a quick change.

The process drags on, but little steps are better than stagnancy. I changed my major officially to graphic design. I finally got into all my classes last week (that's week three if you didn't know), so not only do i have to prove that I want to be in these classes, I must catch up on all back work. The worst class is going to have to be basic design, which I already took at University of Oregon, but the term that I took it it was only offered in a Pass/No Pass option, but for my major I must take it for a grade. So here we go again. Haha. I think I will enjoy it as much this time as I did the first time around. Basic design is just that, basic, but it's invigorating to be able to design something so basic. Simplicity is my best design type. Simple does not mean easy by any means; in fact, it's quite difficult to keep something sparse while portraying depth of thought and intent.

I'm also in a digital graphics class. w00t! It's really easy and basic, but it's teaching me how to use Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop. Add a lower division art history class (from the Rococo to present age) and you've got a full term. My only complaint is that I have to take so many lower divisions classes (1-200 levels) before I can even submit my "sophomore" portfolio review. I could say that I wish I had started out here and just done my thing, but then I wouldn't have the experience of U of O, which is leaps and bounds above PSU.

Speaking of that, though, I was talking to my new counselor (and later with Mom) and we came to the conclusion that maybe I'm just ready move on to grad school. I'm advanced enough in critical thinking in art and architecture that I just get bored. When there's no challenge, I just say "fuck it" and don't do it. Because honestly I could do this stuff in my sleep, but I just don't put forward any effort in it. But I am giving myself a challenge. I am disallowing any missed classes except for emergencies only. I quite enjoy going to classes, and I am always a favorite of teachers (I think it's my Gemini social tendencies, which is ironic because I'm really shy).

So this term I think I just need to get credit for classes (and decent grades if I can swing it). I have an exam today that I likely won't do too well on because I hadn't been going to class until last week, but getting 40-50% is better than a zero in the end of it all. So this morning I must study and kick ass today in both my classes and then come home and work on four make up projects due tomorrow that I haven't had a chance to work on all weekend since I was out of town and working 14+ hours a day (and it works out to less than minimum wage in the end btw). It's not so bad; my only problem is that it was SNOWING in Oregon and it's freakin almost May. One plus is that I met a really cute paramedic there; he even asked my mom about me and when she told him I was gay, he raised it eyebrows and said "oh really" like he was interested. The really funny part about it is that I don't even know his name--I just know that he was cute and interested in me. :D

Alright, off to a big day. Happy Monday, everyone!

phoenix

I feel like I've awoken from a long, somewhat restful sleep. It was unnatural how long I slept, quiet and alone. I dreamt I was running alone in the wilderness, unable to see through the thickness of trees and brush, thorns and twigs scratching at my skin and eyes, blood trickling from my superficial wounds. I was panicked. Panicked. No matter which way I turned it all looked the same, the same moss-covered trees and logs, the same shrubs bearing bright red, poisonous berries. A beast was gnawing on my stomach, begging to be fed. I tried to scream, but my dry throat knew no sound. I ran, stumbled, fell. Everywhere I went, I was surrounded by horror and deep oblivion.

It struck me then. The only thing that this forest was vulnerable to was fire. I only had to ignite the fire within me. This place was only my imagination after all. My heart burned hot, searing the beast in my abdomen. Flames engulfed my torso, moving out rapidly to my extremities. Fire burned everything around me, the wilderness collapsed around me in a heap of ash, white flames radiated from my body. Wave after wave of passion rose in me, pushing the fire further and further from my body. When the fire died out around me, I collapsed naked on the ground, exhausted from the passion that had overcome me.

Fear had fled. My terror passed. I was free of the torment. Calmly I lay there, feeling each cold breath enter my chest, cooling the fire. The heat subsided, but it still remained. The reminder that I had it in me to move forward, to rise like the phoenix from the ashes naked and vulnerable. My chest rose and fell; slow, careful breaths crept in and escaped. In place of fire moved quiet strength. I rose a new man. I knew I would never be the same.

the drama that is my life :P

Even though my life is probably not all that interesting, it's very dramatic at times. So yesterday morning I took Cooper outside without a leash on. Now, he's normally fine when it comes to going out in the morning just to pee and then coming back in, but so often he gets antsy and decides to run around....and usually that's fine because I just leave him outside with the door open and he'll run back in when he realizes that I'm not playing with him at that moment.

But I waited for a while, and he didn't come back. So I walked around for about an hour and a half looking for him, thinking I heard him barking around the neighborhood. Well after exhausting myself with worry I went home crying with a headache. I tried working on my term paper, but to no avail. I was so sick with worry, all I could do was sit outside and wait for the pup to show up...but then Mom called. She said that we needed to go to the pound to see if we could find him there. She said to look up the number online, but when I got to the website, they had a posting system where people could post dogs they had found--not cats obviously because cats do not get lost...unless you're our cat, who freaks out if he (accidentally) goes out hehe. Well it turns out that he had followed a kid to school, and one of the teachers got him and put him in her car. Well, I was going crazy for nothing. He was safe; and he won't be disappearing again anytime soon. Little bugger. :D

A week in the life....

So last week, my grandparents went out of town. Well they have a pregnant horse that needs to be fed very regularly and I started off last week without a car so I had to ride my bike about 3 miles roundtrip to get there from the bus. That wouldn't have been a problem except that I haven't ridden my bicycle seriously for about three years. Needless to say, I'm very out of shape...VERY. Haha...I seriously think I couldn't breathe for about thirty minutes after I got there. But I fed the horses, and went up to tend to my grandparent's new kitten, Shorty, who curled up on my lap while we both slept for quite some time. Well, then I went back over to feed and trekked off the school (after taking a shower of course). That was a fun adventure that I had to repeat the following day until Friday, when I discovered that my license had not been suspended, but that it will be if I don't pay my ticket soon. Arg. So this week I get to drive out there which is certainly more accessible by motor vehicle than by cycling—although it would be healthy for this fat ass to be shocked into getting back into shape....which has been fairly neglected for the past month or so.

Which leads me to my next topic of transgression. I have been feeling so ugly for the past week or so. It usually happens when I hit a low from depression. I feel fat and sluggish. I'm not eating healthily at all, and I haven't done yoga for quite some time. I went to a gay bar a couple Wednesdays ago and I got no love—except by a guy who was hugging everyone. So, here I am, my stout, stocky 180 pounds of me, surrounded by (some healthy some not) thinner men who look fantastic. I show up to the bar with a dyke friend of mine, just because we wanted to hang out and sell raffle tickets for SMYRC. I am not looking hot. Here's my look from head to toe: I had on my off-white Old Navy baseball cap, which I have gracelessly distressed; an ill-fitting bright blue sweater that is a really good color, but it's made from really cheap cotton and stretches out awkwardly by the end of the day; I have on my lazy, I'm-feeling-fat jeans that actually make my butt look decent; and my shoes are my two-year-old Nikes that are a little too loved. And the best part is that I didn't shower that day. Well I had a couple guys flirt with me before the drag show started and all the hot guys showed up. (BTW I can't stand drag; it's just not my thing.) So yeah, that little story put a big damper on my second gay bar experience, proving yet again that I just don't fit in with the "scene" in Portland, which is my main reason for disliking P-town to begin with. It's almost as if I need to find a man and then move back here, but what would the point of the be? I know living in places like Seattle and New York are more expensive, but for me it's worth it if I know I can find something do to at any time, day or night.

All right enough mulling, I have to get to class and then later tonight I have to pound out at least two pages for my term paper in art history—which is due Thursday. I have a stack of books about ten inches high at home with research for the Duomo of Florence Cathedral by Fillipo Brunelleschi. It is said to mark the beginning of the Renaissance; it was a controversial design that ultimately ended up changing the face of art and architecture forever. We still define many of our designs today with Renaissance art and architecture. Now to put that in a paper....wish me luck!

well i've done it...

I broke my computer. Not on purpose of course, but I dropped my laptop, which I carry with me everywhere. Normally it's not a problem, except that I sometimes can be careless with it. I set it down a bit too hard once this weekend and thus cracked my monitor. So the whole bottom third of the screen is permanently white and some "dead" pixel spots (black or permanently RGB) keep developing on the top two thirds of the monitor. I am devastated. I use my computer all the time for everything. It's basically my life. So maybe this is good and it will help break me from the unhealthy bond with a machine....haha.

Well I thought that this would be a good opportunity to get a new MacBook Pro, but that hunk of aluminum costs over three thousand bucks. I can get a new screen for my laptop for under two fifty on eBay. Weighing the costs, I think that getting a new screen for my laptop (and finding somewhere to recycle my current monitor which contains mercury and arsenic, as all LCDs with fluorescent backlights have in them). So with that in mind, I go into the next month mindful of the fact that I must come up with money for bills and money for a new computer screen. Things just don't seem to go well for me. I don't know where I picked up this bad karma. Oh well, let's hope I can set it right here soon.

and another week!

Well, I made it through week seven out of ten! So there are just three more weeks until finals week and then spring break. I will have an online final for art history and a final for linguistics. We will be done in my sexual minorities youth during week ten, so that'll be done before then. Whew!

Well my week went by pretty blah. I went to all my classes that I wanted to. I didn't go on Thursday because I had the worst allergies. I had horrible allergies today also. I have been sleeping for ten or more hours a night....er day...I'd wake up early to take the dog out, put him in his kennel. Then, I would fall asleep for another few hours and wake up with a raging headache. Decidedly the past two days haven't been pleasant, but it could have been worse.

In some good news, I got a "D" on my art history exam because I ran out of time to complete it. Well I emailed my professor before she graded the exams explaining that I have ADD pretty bad and that it affects how I take exams (especially timed ones), and she finally got back to me after the exams were graded. I was kinda depressed after I got the grade on Tuesday night, but come Thursday she emailed me and said it was reset for Saturday all day (for 90 minutes again). But it gets even better. She said that if I didn't have enough time to finish the comparative essays online that I could bring her a paper copy to class on Tuesday. Wow, if you ask for a little bit, it seems that it works out in the long run. ADD really is detrimental to my grades (and my SAT scores), but because it is not medically diagnosed, I can't go through the Disability Resource Center on campus. But professors are generally more than accommodating when it comes to such matters, so it's just a matter of asking.

feeling off and I can't figure out why

You know how you just have off days? Well, today is one of those days for me. It could be because it's hump day...gotta love the humps... :D

On a positive note, I spied a super hot guy on my way to the library today. Too bad I think he was straight. :-\

I can't decide...

I really enjoy having Cooper...sometimes. And at other times he's more trouble than the pleasure he gives. I like taking him for walks, but it seems that no matter how long I take him out, he always has to go out every fifteen minutes or so. I usually end up putting him in his kennel or else I get annoyed with him because I can't get anything done. I end up taking all my time just to focus on the mangy mutt that won't hold still but for a few seconds at a time. I take him out running, and he just won't hold still--even though he's extremely exhausted. I don't know what to do. Should I keep him? Or should I send him elsewhere where it might be better for him to get out of the puppy stage (labs tend to have a two-year puppy stage)? I'm still torn on what to do. It just seems like no matter what I do to try to like this poor guy, he just can't live up to my expectations or something....maybe I'm not a dog person after all...

After-breakup blues

No one warned me that even after you willingly end something with someone that you will miss that person, even if you don't necessarily want to be with him. So for those of you breaking up for the first time (and I seem to be a late bloomer...), it's not easy for either of you. I miss talking to someone everyday. I know we were way too clingy way too fast--part of that my fault because I don't quite know what to do with him. When do I chat? Leave him alone? Talk on the phone? Chat online? How often? All these kinds of questions that straight people figure out in middle school and high school.

The whole world of gay dating is so fucked up because we have people who don't know how to date because we don't have any good media examples of it. And growing up we can't look to our peers for help in how to interact romantically. Another part of the problem is that men are pigs (gay or straight), and any opportunity we can have our dicks stimulated we seem to jump at it. Straight guys tend to have it easier because women seem to have more restraint, though definitely not all of them. So I'm new to the gay dating world, where it's not just getting a piece of ass. And my first experience was a little bit rocky. But that's okay because I have to first-gay-date jitters out of the way. People tend to be freaked out if you haven't had any boyfriends in the past. So if you're comfortable with being my second BF please let me know! (LOL just kidding...)

So if anyone knows where to find gays in Portland without having to go to clubs, please let me know. I want some fun and friendship. I want to know someone before I commit to anything. I learned my lesson the hard way last time...

Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.

Coming up and out...without meaning to

I was thirteen years old. I was becoming aware of my sexuality slowly before, but it started to pick up as middle school progressed. I started to look at pictures of shirtless men—I even had a little collection of pictures cut from magazines. I also wrote little erotic stories about experiences with other men. I had dreams about men.

I didn’t know it was considered wrong by anyone at the time…until my stepmom found a story I had written. I don’t remember what it was about, but it was fairly explicit. I got home from school one day, and my parents called me down to their bedroom. This was what happened if ever any of us children were in trouble. I wondered what I had done, but it seemed like something new every week. I walked timidly into their room, not knowing what to expect. There, sitting on their dresser was the story I had left on my night stand. My stepmom (who later turned out to be crazy) looked at me with utter disdain; my dad looked ashamed and quiet like he did when he was especially angry about something. They asked me about the story, which included some explicit sexual acts. I didn’t know what to say since I was utterly shocked that there was a problem with what I had written. I just had to deny having such feelings or desires and say that it was something that I maybe wanted to try but wouldn’t ever go through with it.

I think this experience resulted in sexual trauma and caused me to shove my sexuality so deep inside that I denied it until very recently. Living with right-wing conservatives parents put me so deep in the closet that it caused much trauma to pull it out nearly ten years later. Teens need a healthy outlet, and living in a small town in Oregon did not help that. My community was very antigay, and I was always teased for being a “fag” or gay. I didn’t know what that was; I just knew that I liked boys. While I was closeted, I developed homophobic attitudes based on my parents’ attitudes. The very idea of being gay scared me to the point of developing a hatred of other gays. But gay guys at school fascinated me. It took a long time to accept who I was. I had to come to terms with my Christian beliefs, and it took a few years to come out to myself, then to select others, and then to everyone.

Coming out after repressing one’s homo/bisexuality is a long process. Experiencing trauma as a young teen, whether from peers or important adults, causes a lot of pain attached to whatever one was teased about or punished for. Getting over that is key to any person why wants to come out as LGBTQ. More and more youth are getting brave enough to come out to their loved ones, sometimes to great pain. But in the end, coming out is much healthier than repressing it for your whole life. From one previously closeted homo: don’t put it off; I’m the happiest I’ve been since my younger years.

weekends that aren't long enough

I had to do homework all weekend, but at least I got much of my homework done for the week. Tomorrow, I'm going to knock out my linguistics homework and a reflection for gender/sexual minority youth. This week's reflection can be on anything, so I'm going to write about the time my stepmom-at-the-time found a gay erotic story I wrote...at age 13! I had forgotten about this little bit until recently, but it's funny I'll post it here also.

School is never ending. It is eternally taxing on my nerves, which is why I'm burned out it. I thought the tension from this past week was giving me a constant headache, but it actually turned out that I needed to wear my glasses with how much I have been working on my computer these days. Well it's turned out to help quite a bit!

Well I must be getting to bed. Early day tomorrow...I took a while to write this since it's nearly 1:00 AM!

Broken Hearts and Bad Movies

Not quite what I was expecting just a few days ago. I've been questioning a few things in my life. School. Me. Josh. Me and Josh. Cooper. Living at home.

Well school is easy. I have 20 courses to take to finish an art degree in any focus. Woot gogo fine arts. It's just a lot of studio time....

Me...well, lately I've been attached to Josh at the hip. This was a bit unhealthy because I didn't allow myself to get away to think. Well that opportunity came up this week. Unfortunately for both of us, I came to the conclusion that perhaps we weren't meant to be with each other. However, my timing couldn't have been worse. I decided to break up the day after Valentine's Day. Well it was a stressful end to an extremely sressful and stress-full week. Now that I've had some time to reflect, though, I know it was best for both of us. I was sad last night, and very tired from the stress. I think he took it well, but you never really know for sure. His blog suggests that he wasn't all that connected with me, but I beg to differ. No falling in love with someone only after knowing them for two weeks...

On another note, Cooper is being a total pooper. He is not being a good puppy anymore. He's lost his manners, won't come when he's called, eats the cat's poop, barks at and bites me. Obedience school needs to be worked into my budget for next term...little bugger. Maybe Lewis and I can take both puppies to obedience school. :p

And while living at home can seriously affect my dating abilities, sometimes having her around can be a good thing. Like telling me when something isn't right. That's what friends are for too, as I discovered Thursday evening. Honest, real friends are what you need most. But anyway, living at home is cheap so I like that part of it.

Happy VD!

So make sure you practice safe sex!

So for Valentine's Day I did nothing special. I stayed home all morning and did some homework and played some World of Warcraft. I went to linguistics tonight and the professor, who has a PhD in linguistics, didn't know what he was talking about. He told people that it was hard to find a preposition in a sentence...now as a professor, you can't tell your students that anything is hard because it puts them in a state of mind to think negatively. After that miserable class ended, we (Mom came with me to class tonight) went to my second class, art history, which turned out to be canceled. Well I had dinner scheduled with a very good old friend, so I went up to get her from where she was doing homework. We went to this good sushi place right on campus. Yum, I love sushi! Sushi is sooooo good. I would eat sushi every day if I could afford it.

So in the past few days, I have had some time to think about my life. I want to spread my wings and fly, and staying in Portland is not good for me--at least for now. Spending time with my friend tonight, who is from New Jersey, made me realize that I really don't like many Portlanders. So many of them are "squishy" for lack of a better term. What I mean by that is that I like the brusque feeling I get from people from the east coast. They are straight to the point and don't mince words! I like that, and generally people who say what is on their mind are the most appealing to me. So many people in Portland aren't like that. The other thing I don't like about Portland is that there is no culture in the sense of a big city type. There are usually only a few shows going on downtown at any given time. While in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and other big cities have stuff like that going on ALL the time. There's so much to do, but of course it all costs money. Luckily the job I'm looking for, either architecture or graphic design, will pay well in a bigger city. I'm tired of it being one in the morning and being buzzed and not being able to go out and have a good time! I live for late nights. And sadly, Portland does not promote the late night thang. I think it's because Portland is filled with a bunch of homebodies. Homes are bigger and the weather sucks, so people generally like to stay in--and I'm one of those people. I can't walk the half mile to the bus in sideways rain without my Wellies and a rubber coat. Gross. I would rather have it snow and actually be bright because the snow reflects the light. Rain = drab, dark days. All in all, the weather leads me to be depressed even more in the winter.

Well that's just a little bit of what I've processed in the past two days. I think I may share more tomorrow. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow; wish me luck!

happy hump day!

So I am officially halfway through this dreadful week. My linguistics exam was muy fácil. So much so that I finished it in about 30 minutes. I was supposed to have finished a paper for my class tonight, but Mom and I finally got things resolved between us. We both had a good cry session last night when I should have been working on my homework. She said some pretty hurtful things, and it threw me off today.

Well, I asked for an extension on my paper, and I plan on having it done by Friday after I have taken my art history midterm, which may prove harder than my linguistics exam. I have three days from which to choose to do it, but when I begin the exam I will only have something like two hours to complete it. I hate timed exams because I always do poorly on them. I can't concentrate and having that time constraint makes my concentration wane even more.

As you know from a previous post, I had a little tantrum and broke my phone. Well, I ordered a new one online today. The enV. It's supposed to be the best phone Verizon has, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It's really kind of ugly, but it has a 2.0 megapixel camera instead of the standard 1.3 megapixel camera that most phones come with. It's kind of cool though because it flips open and has a full keyboard in the inside. It's going to take some getting used to, but in the end texting and posting stuff on the web should be substantially easier.

In other news, Cooper is doing well. The Australian cattle dog (blue heeler) part of him is getting the better of him, and he is starting to nip. So I'm trying to break him of that, but then it's like telling him not to breathe since that's what blue heelers were bred to do. He loves to chase me though. I can run around in a field forever and he would chase me, nipping of course. It's so crazy how much breeding has ingrained these instincts into the dogs. Some of the lab tendencies that he has are playing fetch (without training), lying on my lap, and constantly having to be near me. He is so attached to me. Mom says that when I leave him home with her that he whines for about five minutes...how sad!

Some bad habits he has are eating random things. He recently passed a penny, and Mom claims to have seen him eat some screws (let's hope they don't hurt him). The worst one is that he has acquired the taste of kitty poo. I catch him eating out the litter box all the time--one more thing to break him of. Another odd thing that he does is when it's raining, he will lick the ground to drink! You'd think we never fed or gave him water. I try to tell him that most of the water on the ground is contaminated with oil but, he won't listen to me. I tell him that eating rhododendrons is not too healthy but he insists on eating a bit of it every time I take him out. He's full of quirks and I'll have to post all of them in list form some time.

Well it's late and Coldplay is putting me to sleep. So I hope everyone's hump day went well. Cheers everyone!! There're only two more days this week then the weekend! YAAAYYYYYY!

wasting time...

So I want to make a new name for me for my AOL Instant Messenger handle. Right now it's "ngarvison," hardly imaginative; it's just my first initial and my last name. I don't really have any nicknames except Bartholomew. I used to be called "Naters" and "Marshmallow" but those were silly high school names by my then best friend Rachel. If anyone can think of something based on nicknames or something that I've posted here in the past few months, please comment and send something my way!

Wish me luck on my exam tonight! I hope it will be awesome. Linguistics shouldn't be too difficult; it's fairly easy to do the homework. Then I have to pound out the next greatest essay. :D

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Holy crap it's late!!!

So I found this site through a forum I belong to...It's a top 100 of quotes from the internet or TV by ignorant people (100% Christian BTW). A few of my favorites include:

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie

Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.

I guess the poster of the last one didn't read where Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is so horrible that people think this way, but I must remind myself that not all Christians are this ignorant. It's just that when key Evangelical Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and the like say bigoted things, people listen and take note. It gets the attention of every one they are shouting out against, and then those people make rash decisions that all Christians are of that same belief. I'm out to prove those assumptions wrong. I will live my life in a way that Christ would. Now it's almost three o'clock in the morning and I have to be up in a few hours to go downtown to study. Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.

a fruitful weekend

So let's see what did I complete this weekend? Six short papers (approx. a page each), three chapter homework assignments, three problem sets, a bunch of reading, and some studying for my midterm on Tuesday. Even with all that, I still need to complete studying for my linguistics midterm on Tuesday, start and complete a five-page essay by Wednesday, study for my art history midterm which will comprise of reading approximately 400 pages of reading that I have not done for the entire term. The reason I'm so behind is because I have been a little down, but the main reason is because I have been consumed with puppyhood. For the past six weeks, I have been taking care of the Coopster, which turned out to be quite a task. Even now I must put him in his kennel in order to be able to complete a thing, seriously. I'll be sure to post more as the drama of the midterm week unfolds.

In good news, Josh and I are going to do something fun for Valentines Day, our one monther, and for the end of midterm week on Friday. We have decided to go bowling and then I will go to his house for the night and sleep in his bed cuddled up next to him. Depending on how things go, we may take it to the next level. But we'll discuss that when the time comes. Live in the moment.

Busy weekend!

Well, I didn't get any job applications out there this week. I think I had quite enough stress happening as it was. However, this weekend is turning out to be quite productive. Yesterday I worked on homework...and lots of it. I read my linguistics chapters to prepare for the midterm on Tuesday and did the make up homework for that class. So everything in linguistics is ready to turn in.

Today, I am going to work on the homework for my sexual and gender minority youth class. I have missed that class too often, but I am going to talk to my instructor and see if we can work out a deal because I have been going through the thick of hell. But today I will work on doing the make up for the class and write a five-page paper that's due this Wednesday. I will work on some art history also, although that's a low priority since analyzing art is mostly (if not all) common sense. I need to work on my paper that's due mid-March. I need to spend some serious time studying for that midterm as well.

Well, I feel a lot better also. My doctor added another medication to the mix and it perked me up a lot last night, but thank God I take sleeping meds or else I'd've been up all night!!! Cooper is annoying as fuck in the early morning hours, he's up whining pretty much regularly at 6:30 to 7:00, which wouldn't be a problem if I went to bed before midnight. Plus, I want to sleep in. I love my sleep. In fact, I may take an early morning nap after publishing this. But first I have to put Cooper in his kennel and deal with him whining about it for 20 minutes or so...sigh it's just like having a child.

A quick turn 'round

Josh came over tonight!!! And in so doing he and my mother duked it out. Well not really, but I like to think that they would have. Actually, what happened was good. They had a rather lengthy discussion--one that turned out to be over three hours long--about their mutual dislike for each other, which turned out to be baseless; about me and my mental status, which is embarrassing but necessary if we are to be close; and about what all of us must do for anything to be successful. I must do well in school this term or else nothing will work out. If I fail this term, it may very well be the end of my schooling. PSU doesn't seem to have put me on academic probation, but the risk of academic expulsion is high at this point. I failed both classes I took last term, and to do that again would put be behind so far both academically and financially that I may not survive it.

So I must put one foot in front of the other now and move forward one step at a time. For now my doctor has added another medication and recommended starting therapy as soon as possible. Also Mom is going to help me get my homework done this weekend, which means less time with Josh, but in the end it will mean more time with him. He was very understanding tonight even with all my issues, so I know he really is a great guy--truly wonderful indeed. So by the end of the weekend I should be caught up with all my homework and ready to face midterms this week to come. Wish me luck in the next few weeks that I may be the best I can be and not worry about what is to come, rather focus on what is now and what I can do to better myself in this moment so that I may prepare for what is to come, which I can only hope to be better than what is now. The good thing about being on the bottom is that you can only hope to get higher from there.

Something is not right...

So I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been sleeping for ten or more hours at night. I don't know if it's because of a drug interaction or what, but my medications have not changed, only when I take them. Maybe I need to go back to taking certain meds in the morning and leaving the night free for taking the sleep aid...

Problems on the homefront

So there has been a wake of drama and problems at home in the past week. Some things have been said and done on both sides that are not right and may take a long time to heal if they aren't dealt with correctly or promptly. I feel bad for doing and saying some things, but the other involved party can't see past their issues either. I know that I need to make things right.

So you, my blogging friends, need to keep me accountable! I have some things I need to by the end of this week. And some things by the end of next week.

• Apply to 5 jobs a day Thursday and Friday.
• Finish all my back homework! And it's not as bad as I think it is....
• Call my counselor and make it current, even if he doesn't know how to deal with gay issues, he helps with other stuff.
• Get out and have some fun this weekend. I don't have money, but there's stuff to do around town that doesn't include having to pay!

To top off this fine evening I get back to my car only to find that it has been towed! So my grandparents are going to have to bail us out, and I'm going to have to go out to their place and work off the fee :( I can't believe I am such a dumbass. The problem with parking in a private lot is that it's never consistent as to when they will actually call and tow your car. It doesn't really make sense to tow your vehicle AFTER HOURS at a bank...but then when does life make sense. What I don't need is a few hundred dollar tow charge. Oh well. I'm sitting at the building from which it was towed, and all my old friends from the architecture department are walking by. How humiliating! Ugh. Lesson learned I suppose. And I got pissed tonight and threw and broke my phone. How smart of me. Another thing I can't afford right now is a new phone. RAZRs are shit, but they are on sale from Verizon with a new two -year contract (after paying the full $100 up front of course). Looks like my contract is up next month, so I'll be able to get a break on a new phone. And to top it all off, I am soaking wet from walking through torrents of rain downtown...my suede shoes are soaked and ruined. I hate Oregon...

Looks like like just isn't going my way at the moment. I hope that it will get better--it always does--but when the shit hits the fan, it makes the biggest mess ever! Hope everyone else's hump day went slightly better....slightly. Heh heh....

I can't get away

And I desperately need to. Among taking care of Cooper, my recovering mother, and starting my homework, I am stretched too thin. Cooper is easy, I can just take him for a long walk and he will play for a while and sleep. The only problem is that he will wake up in about two hours to have to go out. Speaking of which, I was extremely exhausted last night, when I got up with Cooper this morning to take him out he just went out to pee, which is normal. Then I sat on the couch to wait for him to eat some and take him out again. The problem this morning is that I fell asleep before I could take him out a second time, so he ended up pooping like two tons in the house. I woke up to that smell burning my nose, reluctantly disciplined him (I don't understand why he won't whine at me if I'm not paying attention), and took him out. I decided I would have no more of that so I put him in his kennel, while I dozed off again.

Soon enough Mom came downstairs, apologizing for her crappy attitude last night. But I guess I should start from the beginning...So she came home Thursday, the day after her surgery. Everything seemed to go well, she was very tired but otherwise okay. I went to class on Thursday in the evening. But I met a friend whom I hadn't seen for quite some time, and we had dinner. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't go to my second class. I don't really enjoy going to art history, so I don't feel bad about skipping, especially since I am well beyond the class. Anyway, I digress. All is well with her, she received a call from her doctor saying that she is officially CANCER FREE!!!! So that was very good news. But good news or not, being cooped up in the house (and the hospital) with her for five straight days is a bit much for anyone to handle. She already has much to say about my life, though I am trying my damnedest to free myself even just a little from her smothering. Now I know I am just growing up, but I've had several people say the same thing. She has too deep a hold in my life; she affects nearly every action I take. While I would like to move out on my own, I can't afford it at the moment. That being said, living at home is quite cheap, and I plan on living cheap for some time. Until then, however, I must remind her that it is my life and that she doesn't have much to say about it unless it affects her directly, in which case I will gladly concede or find a compromise.

Now to start my homework, which always seems so daunting until I actually start it. Then it is really quite easy, but the problem with it being so easy is that I get bored quickly. I just can't get too happy, can I?

A long, long day.

8:45 am Well I’m stuck in the hospital with no WiFi, and I’m writing this in Word. I down eating breakfast in the new cafeteria, which isn’t any better than the old one. I’m eating overcooked oatmeal and a nice fruit bowl. I’m also drinking a diet Pepsi, which is likely going to make me even sleepier than I already am. In fact, I’m going to lie down here on the banquette and sleep. Gran should wake me up when I need to get up...

12:15 pm Well, awesome news! The tumor is officially out, and everything looks good. I hate not being able to post this right away, but this is fine that I can still type it up while it’s still fresh. The surgeon said the tumor was the size of his fist (he has surgeon’s hands). He also said the pathology report was unclear. It is still inconclusive about whether the tumor is benign or malignant, but we should know for sure next week, when she has per first post-op appointment.

1:30 pm A pair of genderqueer persons came into the surgery waiting room. My grandpa was up at the counter when they were checking in. He came back over, saying, “Look at those boys!” obviously a bit excited that he had found these strange looking “boys.” I saw them and instantly could tell they were born to the assigned female sex, and I could also tell they were very androgynous, fitting neither gender slot, but rather what is known as “genderqueer.” I said that and my grandparents didn’t understand how someone can be neither gender…sigh. I think it’s wonderful that these two individuals are brave enough to be out in the world and proud of their chosen genders.

3:30 pm I finally got to go to Mom’s room, 129B, at around two. It’s a shared room, but the other person left and Mom requested to have a room alone so they said they will put this room last on the list to fill with a new patient…who knows how long that will last. I took Cooper out, who has been a trooper this week, having to spend all day Monday and all day today in the car in his kennel. So I took him out for a long walk and to play ball. He loves to play ball, inside or out, and he is so good because he will always bring back the ball (or the stick—his favorite). I feel bad for the mutt, but he’s being a trooper. Cooper the trooper…maybe a paratrooper. I don’t think he’s going to be skydiving anytime soon though. :) For now she is pain free and sleeping comfortably. I think I can make it awake through most of the night; although Gran is trying to wrestle me for the night here. I think we can talk about after class gets out, which should be interesting since I am completely exhausted.

6:30 pm I’m out of class early. My prof isn’t feeling well so she decided to let us to the rally for the same sex domestic partnership law, which was banned by an out-of-state before it could come into effect January 1. So people are headed down there to help rally for equal rights for all. If only we could get marriage ratified… I have a lot to do tonight. So perhaps it is good that I am out of class early and that I’m going to be up all night. I utterly exhausted because I slept so poorly today, but I should be able to recover by the time the weekend is over. Mom is talking softly and she can swallow light food like Jell-O. I’m headed back to the hospital, where I don’t have Internet connectivity. Why on earth would a hospital not have a public WiFi connection? Someone please explain that. Cheers to all and sorry for such a long post. A lot happened today.

Great news and semi-good news

GREAT NEWS!!!! I plead guilty to the hit and run charge and I got no jail time and a $400 fine which will be paid for by the company I was driving for. Also the charge of driving without a CDL was dismissed AND if I keep my nose clean for 12 months the hit and run charge will be deferred (i.e., dismissed and removed from my criminal record). So I was extremely excited and then came the daunting sleepiness, so much so that I had to have Mom drive part of the way home. And, boy, did I sleep hard last night!

Semi-good news... Last post, I mentioned something about Josh's and my relationship taking a different turn. He's rapidly falling for me, but I am lacking the emotional and intellectual connection that I think every relationship needs. I asked to move it to just a friendship, and he understood fully. However, I'm not sure if I will ever develop love for him, and I know he will be hurt very much by that. I did warn him that I may not. We have some differences that may not work out in the long run, but for now I decided to stay friends with him (no more boyfriends) and we can have a little fun on the side, simply because our physical chemistry is pretty hot. So good (I hope) friends with benefits. I enjoy his company and he's pretty fun, but we're no longer "exclusive" as it were. I felt really bad, but he seemed to take it in stride. Although I know his feelings have to be hurt even just a little. Who knows? Maybe it will develop into something more, but I'm not counting out other people at this point. It is fun, so I definitely think we should stay friends. I enjoy his company and he, mine.

I've got to focus on discovering me at this point, and adding another man to equation wasn't the best idea for now. I think that's part of the reason I've been so stressed. I know it's silly, but I am young and spreading my wings. It is refreshing to have someone like me and like him back. We get along quite well and having a good friend is more important than having a lover/boyfriend in my opinion. Plus we are willing to have fun once in a while. :D