a wonderful weekend

I just sent off my good friend back to Salem. He is such a sweetie. We met a while ago when I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for friends. He was one of the few that replied and he seemed nice and even though he is overweight, he’s quite sweet and a great guy. He spent the night last night, and he and I slept very well. I was surprised that I slept as well as I did considering it’s so stifling warm. There’s something oddly comforting about sleeping next to someone you care about. It was so nice we plan on doing it again soon.

As I begin week four, I hope that the next few days are bearable as I have a ton of work to do.

ch-ch-changes!

Well, last night the date I was supposed to have flaked on me. It's one thing after another it seems. I have other people that I like more, so this is not really worth my time :P Opportunities open or close for a reason I suppose. Maybe Mom is right, and this guy is some psycho or something. Whatever it is, there has to be a reason for this not working out. I may meet him once and not do it again. We'll see. Any advice would help!

Anyway, there is a guy with whom I play World of Warcraft that I'm really interested in meeting. He seems like a really nice guy. He's a total goof ball, living at home but planning on going to college next fall and moving out (and he really needs to also), and he's tall (me likey). He's not exactly my perfect physical type but we get along so well online that I'm sure I could get over that. There's nothing a little hair styling and clothes can't help out (me for example, heehee). Did I mention he's a redhead? Definitely mysterious and sexy.

I quit my job at Oaks Park. I couldn't stand working with trashy people (both employees and customers) everyday. Mom said it perfectly: I just outgrew the job. It worked fine for me when I was fresh out of high school and naïve. But being the mom she is, she also said that I've "grown up" a lot in the past year or so. It makes sense to me. I want to be on my own, I want love and companionship, and I want independence and a career. I'm tired of being a kid all the time. I want to be able to have the things in life that I've desired for so long: a husband and family of my own, a nice house/apartment somewhere close to my job, a close small circle of friends, and freedom to do as I choose. It's not a lot of ask for, but I still have a few years of preparation to be able to do it. Time will tell, and the anticipation that I may be able to do/have these things is motivation for me to do what I have to do. I already have a start on my family with my puppy Cooper.

All right now to go clean house. apply for work, and do some much neglected homework. Happy Sunday, everyone!

A long, long day.

8:45 am Well I’m stuck in the hospital with no WiFi, and I’m writing this in Word. I down eating breakfast in the new cafeteria, which isn’t any better than the old one. I’m eating overcooked oatmeal and a nice fruit bowl. I’m also drinking a diet Pepsi, which is likely going to make me even sleepier than I already am. In fact, I’m going to lie down here on the banquette and sleep. Gran should wake me up when I need to get up...

12:15 pm Well, awesome news! The tumor is officially out, and everything looks good. I hate not being able to post this right away, but this is fine that I can still type it up while it’s still fresh. The surgeon said the tumor was the size of his fist (he has surgeon’s hands). He also said the pathology report was unclear. It is still inconclusive about whether the tumor is benign or malignant, but we should know for sure next week, when she has per first post-op appointment.

1:30 pm A pair of genderqueer persons came into the surgery waiting room. My grandpa was up at the counter when they were checking in. He came back over, saying, “Look at those boys!” obviously a bit excited that he had found these strange looking “boys.” I saw them and instantly could tell they were born to the assigned female sex, and I could also tell they were very androgynous, fitting neither gender slot, but rather what is known as “genderqueer.” I said that and my grandparents didn’t understand how someone can be neither gender…sigh. I think it’s wonderful that these two individuals are brave enough to be out in the world and proud of their chosen genders.

3:30 pm I finally got to go to Mom’s room, 129B, at around two. It’s a shared room, but the other person left and Mom requested to have a room alone so they said they will put this room last on the list to fill with a new patient…who knows how long that will last. I took Cooper out, who has been a trooper this week, having to spend all day Monday and all day today in the car in his kennel. So I took him out for a long walk and to play ball. He loves to play ball, inside or out, and he is so good because he will always bring back the ball (or the stick—his favorite). I feel bad for the mutt, but he’s being a trooper. Cooper the trooper…maybe a paratrooper. I don’t think he’s going to be skydiving anytime soon though. :) For now she is pain free and sleeping comfortably. I think I can make it awake through most of the night; although Gran is trying to wrestle me for the night here. I think we can talk about after class gets out, which should be interesting since I am completely exhausted.

6:30 pm I’m out of class early. My prof isn’t feeling well so she decided to let us to the rally for the same sex domestic partnership law, which was banned by an out-of-state before it could come into effect January 1. So people are headed down there to help rally for equal rights for all. If only we could get marriage ratified… I have a lot to do tonight. So perhaps it is good that I am out of class early and that I’m going to be up all night. I utterly exhausted because I slept so poorly today, but I should be able to recover by the time the weekend is over. Mom is talking softly and she can swallow light food like Jell-O. I’m headed back to the hospital, where I don’t have Internet connectivity. Why on earth would a hospital not have a public WiFi connection? Someone please explain that. Cheers to all and sorry for such a long post. A lot happened today.

A steady weekend for a very unsteady week to come

The weekend was somewhat restful. I got some rest in, some homework done, and some time with Josh. The weekend was rather restful, but the coming week is going to be hell. So tomorrow, I have to get ready for court. I am supposed to go before the judge at 1:00 pm in Aberdeen, Washington. If you pray please do so at that time PST. I don't know what to expect except what I have seen on Law and Order, but then that's a bit of a false pretense. I know that it won't be so difficult, and I'm hoping that the cop who wrote my ticket isn't there, because if that's the case they will throw out my case (and I'll be forever grateful).

Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.

On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...

Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.

All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...

Thursday comes...and goes, as well

Well another Thursday has come and gone, and that means that my week of classes is done. I am happy that it's over for now. I have much homework to do this weekend. I did yoga last night before I went to bed. It's been a while since I've done yoga, and I was extremely tense. I carry most of my tension and stress in my lower back I've discovered, so I spend much of my time relaxing a stretching those muscles. My hamstrings are also very tense, so I'm working on getting those less tense as well. I find that each day as I let go more and more, my body becomes more flexible and it becomes easier to find my center and drop all of my tension out of my body and into the floor. Deep, easy breathing is the key; knowing your body and how to relax is very important.

I have also been a bad boy. I have forgotten to take my meds for the past two days. (I took it tonight, thank god.) My mood has been fairly steadily decreasing. I haven't been taking it regularly for the past week. And as you may know, these kinds of medications need to be taken at the same time each day in order to work properly. So my mood has suffered because of my neglect. So this weekend I plan on taking it each morning at a regular time. I am going to take some much needed away time this weekend. If only I had a tent. I would go to a campground (yes even in these subfreezing temperatures) and have myself a quiet weekend away from it all. But I can't do that. I do however need a night off from my dog. Josh and I decided that we're going to take it easy this weekend. We don't need a break per se, but I need time away from everything. He says no contact until Monday morning, but I don't thing either of us can hold out that long. I may end up playing World of Warcraft with him on Sunday with his fag hag Liz (or as he calls her, Bingy). But absence makes the heart grow fonder as that damn cliché goes. Even though clichés are overused, the meaning behind them is often truer than we often give credit.

So for this weekend: I won't be blogging, I am not talking to Josh after 4:00 pm Friday, I am going to escape from Cooper for a few hours to get some "me" time, and I'm going to work on some homework. Also on Saturday I have a meeting for my Sexual Minorities Youth class at SMYRC, which is a phenomenal organization targeting sexual minority youth. It's a safe house for LGBT youth in Portland. They even have a prom each year for these exceptional young people who are brave enough to come out. It's awesome that there are places like this. If I had know of this place as a teenager I would have grown into my own sexually perhaps a bit faster, but then I wouldn't have the experiences that I have now. So for a "relaxing" weekend, it's going to be pretty busy. Such is life, but I can't sweat the small stuff. Here's to a wonderful, relaxing weekend.

Another day, another day...

Now I am actually in a good mood, even though my title seems a little down. I have a LOT going on right now, so I'm really overwhelmed. Two weeks ago, winter term at Portland State began. Also that week I got a new puppy. I was dealing with my newly acquired tickets from Aberdeen, and mentally preparing for my Monday court date. In addition, my mom's health is getting worse, and she is becoming increasingly worried as her surgery next Wednesday approaches (though I can't say I'm not worried, I tend to internalize it while she vocalizes which makes me think about it more often).

More pointedly, I recently acquired a new man. He is amazing, even though he doesn't see it. I am exploring myself in new ways that I've never felt. I like it, but there are parts that confuse me. I am going to talk to him more about some key issues. I think we need to talk about some issues before we both become too attached--and we're both very attached as it is.

So there is a lot of stress when there shouldn't be. Well, it's well past midnight and I may just sleep on the couch because I'm trying to kennel train Cooper, and I may not hear him cry out if he needs to go out tonight. Who knew puppies were so demanding and stressful....and expensive, but that's another story for another day. Another day...

Puppy, work, classes, etc...

Yesterday afternoon, my cousin Nicole and ex-boyfriend–now–just–friend Nathan, called and asked if we wanted a puppy. I said sure, and they came over to give us the pup, an adorable Labrador-Blue Heeler mix. He's all black with white feet (all four) and white markings on his face and chest. He's so mellow and cute. Only eight weeks old, he is a handful, super clingy like most puppies are when separated from the litter too soon. He's not housebroken yet, so we're working on that one...close watching is required to prevent him from doing things in the house. We were going to call him Jasper, but that didn't fit him. I went to my grandmother's house, and she suggested Cooper. It stuck. It's perfect for him. Plus, it's an awesome name. When I take him to the dog park and some hot guy asks what his name is, "Cooper" is extremely awesome. Thanks Granna!

Some of the bad things about him is that he isn't housebroken yet, he is teething so he's chewing on everything—seriously everything—he doesn't sleep through the night yet, and our cat, Sam, is freaking out. Our cat is a Siamese, but with an extremely amiable temperament. He's about eight years old and set in his ways. He is really upset about this new addition. He even vomited today on Mom's silk brocade bed spread. He's shedding profusely, and he won't come anywhere near Cooper. I feel horrible for him, and I've decided that if Sam doesn't adjust within the week, then we can't keep the puppy. :( Oh well, I don't know if I'll be in love with him so much if he doesn't learn to sleep through the night.

So I've got a pseudo-job. The company I drove for last Friday is hiring me on to help finish cleaning up the paint shop. It's not too difficult, and it pays thirteen bucks an hour. I really don't like blue collar labor, but you gotta do the icky stuff to get to do the fun stuff later on. Plus, I can take Cooper there, no problem, except that my supervisor has an adult dog that usually comes to work with him. I don't know how Cooper will react to the new dog; I may be keeping Coop in the car if he reacts badly since the other dog tends to like to bite.

Ah I went to my first class today. I have just one class on Monday, Sexual and Gender Minority Youth. My professor is nice, and she really has passion for LGBTQIAP issues. If any more letters get added to the acronym, it's going to be out of control—if it's not already. Heh. I'm taking the class so I know what's out there for me. I'm not a "youth" per se, but I am newly out and not sure where to start in the Portland queer scene. So this will help familiarize me with the LGBT youth community, which can lead to knowing more about the adult community. The Portland Q Center seems like a good resource, but there aren't many event's that sound particularly interesting. I don't do the drinking/partying scene so my options are kinda limited in Portland. If only I could find a place where the gay intellectuals are....

Well, Monday is over and I'm utterly exhausted. Yoga tonight was refreshing and relaxing, I felt like I could have kept on doing it for an hour or so. I'm just that tense. Strangely, I carry much of my tension in my abdomen and lower back.

NO MORE DRINKING!!!!

Yay!!! it's 2008 and I'm still here!!!!!! w00t! I'm terribly bored on the first day of the new year, but all is well. I got not drunk last night, but sick from a drink and a half. I'm a wuss and a half to go with my drink and a half. Serve with fondue, and voilà! a recipe for disaster. I think I had too much rich food for dinner, and then drank too fast because fuckin' Tim Gunn of Project Runway made me drink twice every time he said "Make it work" or "Gather 'round." On top of that, when Heidi Klum said "auf Wiedersehen" we drank two swallows. Also we picked three words (fashion, fabric, and Tim) that we had to take a sip on. Well I drank an amaretto sour and half of one in under an hour, and for someone who never drinks, that was too much. I got really sleepy, a headache, and I threw up a little. It was fun because I was happy, but a little ill from it.

In other news. I spoke with someone I met on MySpace last night online until his parents came in on him (he is legal, 19). We had a candid conversation about life and what is happening. He is not out except to a few select people, for fear that he will lose financial support from his parents. It's so sad that in this world that there are still parents who treat their children this way. But like I told him, he never knows what their reaction will be until he tries it. Though it may be wise until he gets out of the umbrella of his folks' W2 and FAFSA issues. I know that can be a hassle.

Speaking of FAFSA and financial shit, my aid for this term still has not been processed. I'm calling PS fucking U tomorrow to chew them out about it. They said December 28th and it was a no go. I have to pay rent people! Sigh. Now to prepare my résumé and fill out a few apps online. Whole Foods, here I come!

missed opportunity

Before I get totally drunk, I just have to kick myself for missing out on a really cute guy for NYE. Ugh. I was at Powell's in the gay fiction section, and lo and behold there is this super hot guy there. We both sorta just stood there dumbly, "browsing" the books. I went downstairs to check out, and I decided I'd write down my number to give to him. I took it upstairs with all intent on giving it to him, he even seemed like he was waiting for me...but I chickened out!!!! Sigh. Oh my god, I can't believe I missed out on a fun night and maybe more.

Now to go drink amaretto sours till my head spins. Happy New Year AGAIN!!!!!!!


Cheers

I forgot that I have a doctor appointment today!

OMG! I have a doctor appointment with my GI surgeon! Yes I'm only 22 but I have had two major surgeries. So I have to go talk with my doctor about an ongoing infection, which seems to have cleared up! So I may call and say I'm good! No sign of infection, although I would like to ask about having anal sex. Arg. Well I may as well explain my disease/surgeries....

So when I was a senior in high school (2002), I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that affects the large intestine and may be controlled by certain medications. I was sent to OHSU Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. People can say what they want about OHSU, but they saved my life. Well I lived with UC for about two years before my doctor said enough. I couldn't get it to go into remission. I was having episodes of uncontrollable bowel movements. I would go to classes during the day and come home at night and go to sleep because it was draining me of all energy. I was having BMs upwards of 20 times a day, and any sleep I did get was interrupted by urgent BMs. The excruciating pain was crippling much of the time; I would often spend hours doubled over in the bathroom, groaning from it. The stress of the disease and school and everything else going on in my life was too much, so I was referred to a surgeon to have my colon removed.

I won't detail the surgery too much, but they made a 10-inch incision in my abdomen and took out five feet of my body that I don't miss. They made a temporary ileostomy, and also a j-pouch. After 3 months I went back for another surgery to reconnect my abdominal opening with my j-pouch (this link will take you to a resource for people with ileo-anal pouches). Now I have bowel movements like any other person except they aren't solid--since that's what the large intestine does, removes water from the poo--and more often than normal, about 4-6 times per day. So my only issue is potassium and sodium levels (both very important in brain and nerve function) in my body and hydration.

Since I have come out of the closet, I have wanted to experiment with anal sex, and I want to ask my doctor about her recommendations. I have a feeling that she will say no way no how, because all the literature I have found says it's not recommended. Apparently the tissue isn't the same as with a normal butt hole. Damn looks like I'm not going to have that option. Eek! I'll just have to do without...which is just fine! Well cheers. Off to have another fun filled day!

Early morning antics

So last night I had a guy friend over. I have a gut feeling that he is gay, but he refuses to come out of the closet. I completely understand where he's coming from. He's Asian and Catholic, so he has a cultural and religious slant against being gay--although he doesn't seem to have a problem with my homosexuality; in fact, he's surprisingly accepting of me, even though he knows I think he's cute. Well, I keep trying to work him out of the closet, but I think just being a friend showing him that you can still be a gay Christian--well a follower of Christ. But even though he's been very unsuccessful with female relationships, he can't come out yet, I must respect that as his very good friend and brother. Let's hope he doesn't marry and have kids, because that can be hurtful in the end for all involved people.

So since that prospect of him being by boyfriend is out the window, I am going to try some social networking here in Portland. I have no clue about the gay scene in Portland, but I'm definitely not into the club scene. No cruising, just friends, and if it develops into more that's great, if not even better. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and like to be challenged to learn more about the world around me. For me a friendship should be about exchanging ideas and informing each other about different world views previously unknown. So if I get bored in a friendship, it's not because I don't like you, I just may not feel like I can have a sophisticated conversation about whatever. My options for conversation are very open, current events and politics, LGBT issues, science, music, gaming, movies, reading, plays/musicals, and even sports. I like all sorts of things, so I like a conversation that transforms over time, moving from one topic to another, arguing and debating issues in today's society. I love a good debate, even if I don't win it. I especially love a good debate if you can convince me that my stance is wrong or vice versa.

I say all this to say that I'm going out this Friday night to find my niche in the Portland gay scene. It's not about sex; I can watch porn for that. I want some friends, being cooped up for the past six months has given me unfathomable energy! And maybe I'll bring along my aforementioned friend, and we can talk about him later ;)

So today I am going to be searching for clip art (ew!) and pictures for the family calendar. Mom started making a family calendar about seven years ago and it stuck. We have pictures of family and all the family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. in there. I always get stuck with finding funny little clip art to illustrate each family member. If I had started earlier I may have made up little avatars in Adobe Illustrator for each family member, but since there are only six days until Christmas it's crunch time. I might turn on the news today while I do it or ESPN or Logo or watch reruns of Project Runway while I search for pictures. And since I'm going to be totally bored today, I'll probably post again today if time permits. I'm going to have to go pick my grandma up at the train station today...and turn in some forms for the state. So I'll have some stuff to do, but I should have some amount of free time because I'm just ADD like that.

Losing Weight...

I know I'm most likely not being particularly healthy but over the past week I've lost about 5 pounds, which is great, but the week before I lost 10 pounds. So while I'm getting to a healthier weight, I'm not sure I'm doing it healthily...arg. Why does life have to be so complicated?!?! And why do gays have to be so obsessed about their weight? I'm telling myself that I'm doing this to get healthy, which is true, but I'm afraid my motives are slightly biased to finding a boyfriend. My life is so simple right now. I should just enjoy it while I can. Well I have to go out to the real world today to look for a job and do some other errands that I can't put off anymore, including paying some much needed billz.

This love is genuine!

tell me that men don't love each other! this is such a nice short documentary on a gay couple, trent and greg, who would like to get married. why can't america catch up to the u.k. and canada in this issue? i'm going to have to move there just to live....or somewhere in europe.

Gay rights in the upcoming election

I know that the presidential election is 11 months off, but please bear with me. Any time gay issues are brought up, the candidates seem to skirt the issue. It's all about civil unions and non marriage. "America's not ready for gay marriage!" "Separate but equal" (WTF really? Yes, Obama is a separatist....). But in all, I think that the candidates being accused of pandering is a bit ridiculous. I mean really, they have to appeal to the majority of the people, and since some 78% of the general population do not support gay marriage, it seems kind of silly to be catering to the 22% of gay-supporting population. But I think in generations to come--the age bracket of 18-22 currently have a 44% support of gay marriage--gay rights will be more and more acceptable. Let's hope it's not sooner than later.

I tried to find a good video on this subject specifically for the democratic candidates, but found none. I'm sure we'll be seeing more and more as Hillary is way ahead in the polls (ew!). Of course all the republican candidates are anti-gay marriage and some like Romney are against even civil unions...we'll have to work on all those closet cases, but that's another story...

Blogging Nightmare!!!!!

when blogging attacks!!!

Well I seem to be a lil addicted to blogging. It's no use though because no one reads my shit. I like the anonymity, because no one knows who Nathan Garvison is. But if you Google me, I'm the only one out there. :) So here it is...I'm so happy right now about some things in my life, but other parts of my life are a bit overwhelming and I've tried a few blogs before and my myspace.com blog is somewhat successful, but I don't write there often enough. I think I may start posting my blogs in both places, so that both my friends and random strangers can view and comment on my thoughts.

So my mom, whom I love and adore with all my heart, who will also not be reading this blog, does this thing in her classes (she is a high school English teacher) she calls a "wellness circle." What she has her students do it sit in a circle in the classroom, and each student says on thing in his/her life that is going well and one that is not going so well--hence wellness circle. Well as it were I am going to do that in this entry. So something going well in my life is my confidence in my sexuality. Yes I'm trying my damnedest to justify it in this blog but no more! I am looking to find a boy friend, I'm going to go out this weekend and find a place in Portland where it's not just about drag and the über party scene. I want the gay intellectual scene, the sometimes quiet but fun smart people who talk about current events and happenings in the world. Someone who can understand what I'm talking about. But beyond that, I'm feeling more confident in my sexuality.

Well now for something that's going poorly...well I can't seem to get a hold of anything else in my life. I want to get a job, but I get thwarted. I suppose going and dropping off a résumé isn't quite enough. ;) So today if I have time I am going to go downtown to drop off my résumé and actually do follow up calls...sigh. Well here goes...

I need to put myself out there. Becoming independent is one of the most important things I want to do and getting off my ass and getting out there is so vital to achieve this very real goal I have. Grrrrrrr!!! I feel kinda sexy right now. I'm so fat (about 40 pounds overweight) right now though. I went to the doctor yesterday to check to see if my new medication regimen is working...well it's better than last week, but things aren't much better. I'm working on it, but it is hard to get motivated. Ugh. Life is a bitch, but I've got to get out there! I'm working on my weight issues too. I've lost 5 pounds in a week, now I know that's unhealthy, but I figure 2-3 pounds a week and I'll be down to a healthy weight in just a few months. So you figure I'm at 188 now to be about 140-5 by March, I'll be pretty good. So I'm looking to be super healthy in my eating and lifestyle. I think next term I'm going to take a yoga class. So I think I'll be the healthiest in my life by the time I go to Eugene to go to school.

It's taken me two days to complete this blog entry...and I have more to bitch about. Arg.