chinese checkers

a fun game with fond childhood memories...but is it really Chinese?

That makes me really want to go get a chinese checkers game! I'll have to invest in one. :)

I have an early day tomorrow so I'll keep this brief. We almost have the entire downstairs packed out. All but the essentials are out of the office and living room. I'm going to have to pick up some more and get more active in packing if we are to move in three weeks. OMG three more weeks. Sigh I'm so over moving every few years. I want to go to Boston and meet a boy and settle down and have our 2.5 kids and have a house abroad. We'll live in Boston some years and in our other house some years. Haha...at least a boy can dream.

More to come! <3

stress

They tell me it’s a good thing…but I don’t believe them.

I had a long stressful Saturday. First we had to get up early to pack boxes. After that we packed the car. Then we went to my great grandpa’s 87th birthday party…god, that’s old. The thing about the party is that there were a bunch of people I hardly know. The only reason to go the shit like that though is the free food. After that we packed boxes out of the car and into the little house we’re storing our stuff until we can find a place of our own.

For the next few months, though, I’m going to be living in our camping trailer, and Mom will be in my grandparents’ 5th wheel which we have named Bernadette. I’m going to have my own space though, and I’m excited about that. I am going to be living on my own. I’ll have privacy more than I have had for quite some time. When we go to move out I have a feeling I’m going to be getting a place of my own or finding place that is more private—and away from Mom. I love her, but I’ve got to get away. More on that later.

For now, sleep.

my life, in boxes

which substantially better than being in pieces.

So we're moving once again. I knew this place wasn't going to be permanent, but it still sucks nonetheless. While my life hasn't been the best (and far from the worst) I've been through more than many fifty year olds. I haven't been shot at physically, but I have been shot at verbally and emotionally from both peers and respected adults. I haven't been in a war, but I've fought many a battle within as well as with others who betrayed me. Before I turned eighteen, I had moved more than a dozen times, lived in two foster homes, been told (and made to believe) being gay was wrong and a sin, was forced to use church as an escape from my hellish home life, and the list could go on and on. Well I'm going to discuss this with my counselor, and although it won't be easy, we're going to try to piece together my fragmented life.

Keep an eye out for more news as time goes on.

think

...then act.

So I like to title my blog entries random things that have absolutely nothing to do with my entry. I find that, while initially confusing, it’s more entertaining and it does help guide me along in my writing.

Well, August is almost over, and like the month so is summer term! w00t! I am excited that summer term is over. I am officially done with classes for the summer and have a month “off” to spend gearing up for the next nine months of torture. Haha. I can’t think of it that way. I have to think of it as taking one step at a time. I have to take certain classes to expedite my degree. And I have to get this registration hold lifted from my account. I have a list…it has been written. “Let it be written. Let it be done.”

Cheers

headache and heartache

…all wrapped up into one.

New meds are helping, but slowly. Also they are making me not hungry (I’ve lost 10 pounds in one week), they're blurring my vision, and giving me horrible headaches that make me sleep for hours and hours. Actually last night it was so bad that I couldn’t sleep. I was suffering from muscle pain as well, making it impossible for me to sleep also.

No risk of that tonight...sleeping pills....kicking in.......night!

feeling down

It's all a matter of perspective. I suppose not having left the house willingly for the past week is unhealthy and self-destructive, but life goes on and I will be better. I just hate having a depression. I read in a book An Unquiet Mind that bipolar medication can take years to fully take effect. Sigh… There is no easy solution, no easy fix for a disorder than can destroy your life. The risk for suicide is minor, but it's still there. Thankfully, I’m not suicidal right now, but I know it’s a hazard if the moods get out of hand. I just have to get a hold of these moods if I am to get better.

Here’s to staying positive.

i HATE homophobia…

Pretty much it sucks a gorilla dick…which, in case you didn’t know, are tiny.

For my pastime I play World of Warcraft. In case you didn’t know, you play with many people at the same time. And of course those people are sometimes socially…inexperienced. And often the people that play are country bumpkins with nothing better to do. With country bumpkins come rednecks…and homophobia seems to be a rite of passage for fuckin’ rednecks. Every insult is a gay slur. “That’s gay” is broadcast across millions of computers at the same time—and no one says a thing. I usually say, “What’s wrong with being gay?” or “How is that gay?” or something else that probably gets me on many people’s ignore lists. The point is, I want people to be aware of how often they actually say “That’s gay” whether or not they think of it as a slur—or of themselves as homophobic. I figure planting a seed by using humor is more effective than telling people off.

Here’s to changing the world, one homophobe at a time…

nerds ahoy!

So I have decided that I'm not a big a nerd as I thought I was. While, yes I am well-versed in science and technology, I don’t really pay much attention to shall we say “geek” things. Comic books, most video games, much of the science fiction world just hold no appeal to me. I watch Star Trek: Voyager, but much beyond that I don't do much in the way of nerdhood (nerddom? I’m not sure). I think I'm more of an intellectual than a nerd. I know the technology of science, but fantasy has its limits for me. People who spend their whole lives following the X-Men legacy of comic books are just not me…

Well on that note, I’m out for now. More to talk about next time....

some like it rough

Well, it's been a while since my last post. I've had a rough past week. Well, let's back track to last Monday. I went to go see my psychiatrist for the first time and he gave me a well-liked mood stabilizer, while backing me down off the antidepressant. He also gave me a medicine for anxiety and insomnia...and whoa! That's some hardcore stuff. Let's just say it's a mild sedative and it's quite calming. Anyway the new drugs are fine I think, but after my bit of hypomania last week I was starting to feel the crash.

It's been a hard couple of days; one conflict after another, not caring about anything, being reclusive. It just ain't pretty. Also my--I'm not sure what to call him--sperm donor?--had a heart attack. He went in for triple bypass yesterday and he is doing well as can be expected. As much as I'd like to think I'm 100% indifferent, some part of me is worried. I think I'm mostly disturbed that he might die before I can tell him how I feel. I don't know I just feel like punching the shit out of him for putting me through the hell he did. But I'm not quite ready to tell him how I feel quite yet.

Jeez I can't imagine why I feel like shit.

‘Not Now But Soon’

Imogen Heap has put out a new single that she wrote for the television show Heroes. While I dislike that show it is a good song. When you buy the single on iTunes, you get a making-of video along with it. It is awesome to see her process in creating the beautiful sounds she does. I love Immi as she's known to her fans; she is honest in her music and while it is electronic her style isn't overly machined or processed. You can tell she struggles to find a balance in her compositions. Another thing I appreciate is that she writes all her own music--sometimes even on the fly. If something bothers her, like a certain sound or whatever, she will make herself integrate it into the song. It makes for quite a colorful range of sounds. For instance in the song “Hide and Seek,” she recorded herself cooking dinner and used it to give the song more depth, which is just her on her vocoder otherwise. In the song “Locusts” from the Plague Songs album, she limited her percussion to locust sound bites she got from a museum database.

All in all, she is amazing even though she's not as popular as mega pop stars, but that’s what makes her music special. It’s not overplayed on the radio--although my iPod probably gets tired of playing the same thirty songs all the time. LOL...

huh?

why on earth would anyone want to watch this film?

hope and its counterpart are both fleeting

but you must experience one to know the other.

Life is full of paradoxes. There is balance that is brought to life. Any significant period of peace is generally preceded by some amount of conflict. We cannot enjoy one without first knowing the other. It is the concept of the ying and the yang. The symbol for this has become ubiquitous recently, but it perfectly expresses what I'm saying. Opposites are never truly opposite each other; there is always some part of ying in yang and some yang in ying. Something different would throw off balance and it would either correct itself or it would have to be corrected by choice.

Sometimes this correction process is violent. There is some struggle to bring balance to one's life. For me picking up my fragmented life is going to drudge up some undesirable emotions that will need to be dealt with. And I need friends to support me through the process. I know a few friends who would likely lend a listening ear or a supportive shoulder if I need it. It is time for me to pick up the pieces and become a whole person.

Mania Schmania

I stayed up late last night. It was four in the morning but right now it's six in the morning and I'm not even tired. Well I am a bit tired, nothing like you'd think. For a person with a normally working brain, chemicals monitor when a person becomes tired. But for someone experiencing bipolar mania, those chemical cues don't happen. Synapses misfire or a person in a manic sense interprets the synaptic input differently than someone of a normally functioning brain. Of course normal is relative, but when it inhibits my interaction with the world around me it is considered a disabling condition. So I lie here on the sofa watching television and messing around on the Internet on my iPod, trying to calm my raucous mind down someway while at the same time knowing that if I sleep now my entire day will go away. I will likely sleep until three or four in the afternoon.

Well, yesterday I went to my therapist. I've decided to move forward in my therapy and to dig deeply to figure out the root to many of my issues. While much of it is private I'll try to share what I feel comfortable sharing. Until then, I'm going to try to live my life to the best of my ability.

it is late...

I really hate when you roll over and see that it's almost 4 AM. I mean your iPod has a goddamn clock built into it...