I just sent off my good friend back to Salem. He is such a sweetie. We met a while ago when I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for friends. He was one of the few that replied and he seemed nice and even though he is overweight, he’s quite sweet and a great guy. He spent the night last night, and he and I slept very well. I was surprised that I slept as well as I did considering it’s so stifling warm. There’s something oddly comforting about sleeping next to someone you care about. It was so nice we plan on doing it again soon.
As I begin week four, I hope that the next few days are bearable as I have a ton of work to do.
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
a week of stress? perhaps, but it should be worth it in the end
I have completed yet another week of classes. With three weeks officially under my belt, one might think I was doing great, and I am but things are getting rough. As I write this on my iPod, I look forward to a restful weekend. I have tasks that must be completed, they are minor. For my 2D design class, I have to start making my final book. We are making a book that is free that will express all the very few concepts we have learned. It should be interesting to say the least. For my page layout class, I need to continue finding and formatting text. I have already found some phenomenal images that I hope to include in this book.
It is kinda stressful having to make two books in the same term, but the good part is that my 2D design class is all right brain and the page layout class is all left brain. So I'm getting both sides of my brain worked out and it's freakin' it out! :D I just have to lie here and listen to loud music and allow my brain to leave for a while.
On another great note, I am having a semi-boyfriend over this weekend. But before he can even consider coming over I've got to clean my room. It's so messy it's embarrassing at this point. Gross, gross, gross!!!!
Okay it's really late. I have more to talk about, but it will have to wait for tomorrow. Cheers!
It is kinda stressful having to make two books in the same term, but the good part is that my 2D design class is all right brain and the page layout class is all left brain. So I'm getting both sides of my brain worked out and it's freakin' it out! :D I just have to lie here and listen to loud music and allow my brain to leave for a while.
On another great note, I am having a semi-boyfriend over this weekend. But before he can even consider coming over I've got to clean my room. It's so messy it's embarrassing at this point. Gross, gross, gross!!!!
Okay it's really late. I have more to talk about, but it will have to wait for tomorrow. Cheers!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
ch-ch-changes!
Well, last night the date I was supposed to have flaked on me. It's one thing after another it seems. I have other people that I like more, so this is not really worth my time :P Opportunities open or close for a reason I suppose. Maybe Mom is right, and this guy is some psycho or something. Whatever it is, there has to be a reason for this not working out. I may meet him once and not do it again. We'll see. Any advice would help!
Anyway, there is a guy with whom I play World of Warcraft that I'm really interested in meeting. He seems like a really nice guy. He's a total goof ball, living at home but planning on going to college next fall and moving out (and he really needs to also), and he's tall (me likey). He's not exactly my perfect physical type but we get along so well online that I'm sure I could get over that. There's nothing a little hair styling and clothes can't help out (me for example, heehee). Did I mention he's a redhead? Definitely mysterious and sexy.
I quit my job at Oaks Park. I couldn't stand working with trashy people (both employees and customers) everyday. Mom said it perfectly: I just outgrew the job. It worked fine for me when I was fresh out of high school and naïve. But being the mom she is, she also said that I've "grown up" a lot in the past year or so. It makes sense to me. I want to be on my own, I want love and companionship, and I want independence and a career. I'm tired of being a kid all the time. I want to be able to have the things in life that I've desired for so long: a husband and family of my own, a nice house/apartment somewhere close to my job, a close small circle of friends, and freedom to do as I choose. It's not a lot of ask for, but I still have a few years of preparation to be able to do it. Time will tell, and the anticipation that I may be able to do/have these things is motivation for me to do what I have to do. I already have a start on my family with my puppy Cooper.
All right now to go clean house. apply for work, and do some much neglected homework. Happy Sunday, everyone!
Anyway, there is a guy with whom I play World of Warcraft that I'm really interested in meeting. He seems like a really nice guy. He's a total goof ball, living at home but planning on going to college next fall and moving out (and he really needs to also), and he's tall (me likey). He's not exactly my perfect physical type but we get along so well online that I'm sure I could get over that. There's nothing a little hair styling and clothes can't help out (me for example, heehee). Did I mention he's a redhead? Definitely mysterious and sexy.
I quit my job at Oaks Park. I couldn't stand working with trashy people (both employees and customers) everyday. Mom said it perfectly: I just outgrew the job. It worked fine for me when I was fresh out of high school and naïve. But being the mom she is, she also said that I've "grown up" a lot in the past year or so. It makes sense to me. I want to be on my own, I want love and companionship, and I want independence and a career. I'm tired of being a kid all the time. I want to be able to have the things in life that I've desired for so long: a husband and family of my own, a nice house/apartment somewhere close to my job, a close small circle of friends, and freedom to do as I choose. It's not a lot of ask for, but I still have a few years of preparation to be able to do it. Time will tell, and the anticipation that I may be able to do/have these things is motivation for me to do what I have to do. I already have a start on my family with my puppy Cooper.
All right now to go clean house. apply for work, and do some much neglected homework. Happy Sunday, everyone!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A week in the life....
So last week, my grandparents went out of town. Well they have a pregnant horse that needs to be fed very regularly and I started off last week without a car so I had to ride my bike about 3 miles roundtrip to get there from the bus. That wouldn't have been a problem except that I haven't ridden my bicycle seriously for about three years. Needless to say, I'm very out of shape...VERY. Haha...I seriously think I couldn't breathe for about thirty minutes after I got there. But I fed the horses, and went up to tend to my grandparent's new kitten, Shorty, who curled up on my lap while we both slept for quite some time. Well, then I went back over to feed and trekked off the school (after taking a shower of course). That was a fun adventure that I had to repeat the following day until Friday, when I discovered that my license had not been suspended, but that it will be if I don't pay my ticket soon. Arg. So this week I get to drive out there which is certainly more accessible by motor vehicle than by cycling—although it would be healthy for this fat ass to be shocked into getting back into shape....which has been fairly neglected for the past month or so.
Which leads me to my next topic of transgression. I have been feeling so ugly for the past week or so. It usually happens when I hit a low from depression. I feel fat and sluggish. I'm not eating healthily at all, and I haven't done yoga for quite some time. I went to a gay bar a couple Wednesdays ago and I got no love—except by a guy who was hugging everyone. So, here I am, my stout, stocky 180 pounds of me, surrounded by (some healthy some not) thinner men who look fantastic. I show up to the bar with a dyke friend of mine, just because we wanted to hang out and sell raffle tickets for SMYRC. I am not looking hot. Here's my look from head to toe: I had on my off-white Old Navy baseball cap, which I have gracelessly distressed; an ill-fitting bright blue sweater that is a really good color, but it's made from really cheap cotton and stretches out awkwardly by the end of the day; I have on my lazy, I'm-feeling-fat jeans that actually make my butt look decent; and my shoes are my two-year-old Nikes that are a little too loved. And the best part is that I didn't shower that day. Well I had a couple guys flirt with me before the drag show started and all the hot guys showed up. (BTW I can't stand drag; it's just not my thing.) So yeah, that little story put a big damper on my second gay bar experience, proving yet again that I just don't fit in with the "scene" in Portland, which is my main reason for disliking P-town to begin with. It's almost as if I need to find a man and then move back here, but what would the point of the be? I know living in places like Seattle and New York are more expensive, but for me it's worth it if I know I can find something do to at any time, day or night.
All right enough mulling, I have to get to class and then later tonight I have to pound out at least two pages for my term paper in art history—which is due Thursday. I have a stack of books about ten inches high at home with research for the Duomo of Florence Cathedral by Fillipo Brunelleschi. It is said to mark the beginning of the Renaissance; it was a controversial design that ultimately ended up changing the face of art and architecture forever. We still define many of our designs today with Renaissance art and architecture. Now to put that in a paper....wish me luck!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
feeling off and I can't figure out why
You know how you just have off days? Well, today is one of those days for me. It could be because it's hump day...gotta love the humps... :D
On a positive note, I spied a super hot guy on my way to the library today. Too bad I think he was straight. :-\
Monday, February 18, 2008
Coming up and out...without meaning to
I was thirteen years old. I was becoming aware of my sexuality slowly before, but it started to pick up as middle school progressed. I started to look at pictures of shirtless men—I even had a little collection of pictures cut from magazines. I also wrote little erotic stories about experiences with other men. I had dreams about men.
I didn’t know it was considered wrong by anyone at the time…until my stepmom found a story I had written. I don’t remember what it was about, but it was fairly explicit. I got home from school one day, and my parents called me down to their bedroom. This was what happened if ever any of us children were in trouble. I wondered what I had done, but it seemed like something new every week. I walked timidly into their room, not knowing what to expect. There, sitting on their dresser was the story I had left on my night stand. My stepmom (who later turned out to be crazy) looked at me with utter disdain; my dad looked ashamed and quiet like he did when he was especially angry about something. They asked me about the story, which included some explicit sexual acts. I didn’t know what to say since I was utterly shocked that there was a problem with what I had written. I just had to deny having such feelings or desires and say that it was something that I maybe wanted to try but wouldn’t ever go through with it.
I think this experience resulted in sexual trauma and caused me to shove my sexuality so deep inside that I denied it until very recently. Living with right-wing conservatives parents put me so deep in the closet that it caused much trauma to pull it out nearly ten years later. Teens need a healthy outlet, and living in a small town in Oregon did not help that. My community was very antigay, and I was always teased for being a “fag” or gay. I didn’t know what that was; I just knew that I liked boys. While I was closeted, I developed homophobic attitudes based on my parents’ attitudes. The very idea of being gay scared me to the point of developing a hatred of other gays. But gay guys at school fascinated me. It took a long time to accept who I was. I had to come to terms with my Christian beliefs, and it took a few years to come out to myself, then to select others, and then to everyone.
Coming out after repressing one’s homo/bisexuality is a long process. Experiencing trauma as a young teen, whether from peers or important adults, causes a lot of pain attached to whatever one was teased about or punished for. Getting over that is key to any person why wants to come out as LGBTQ. More and more youth are getting brave enough to come out to their loved ones, sometimes to great pain. But in the end, coming out is much healthier than repressing it for your whole life. From one previously closeted homo: don’t put it off; I’m the happiest I’ve been since my younger years.
I didn’t know it was considered wrong by anyone at the time…until my stepmom found a story I had written. I don’t remember what it was about, but it was fairly explicit. I got home from school one day, and my parents called me down to their bedroom. This was what happened if ever any of us children were in trouble. I wondered what I had done, but it seemed like something new every week. I walked timidly into their room, not knowing what to expect. There, sitting on their dresser was the story I had left on my night stand. My stepmom (who later turned out to be crazy) looked at me with utter disdain; my dad looked ashamed and quiet like he did when he was especially angry about something. They asked me about the story, which included some explicit sexual acts. I didn’t know what to say since I was utterly shocked that there was a problem with what I had written. I just had to deny having such feelings or desires and say that it was something that I maybe wanted to try but wouldn’t ever go through with it.
I think this experience resulted in sexual trauma and caused me to shove my sexuality so deep inside that I denied it until very recently. Living with right-wing conservatives parents put me so deep in the closet that it caused much trauma to pull it out nearly ten years later. Teens need a healthy outlet, and living in a small town in Oregon did not help that. My community was very antigay, and I was always teased for being a “fag” or gay. I didn’t know what that was; I just knew that I liked boys. While I was closeted, I developed homophobic attitudes based on my parents’ attitudes. The very idea of being gay scared me to the point of developing a hatred of other gays. But gay guys at school fascinated me. It took a long time to accept who I was. I had to come to terms with my Christian beliefs, and it took a few years to come out to myself, then to select others, and then to everyone.
Coming out after repressing one’s homo/bisexuality is a long process. Experiencing trauma as a young teen, whether from peers or important adults, causes a lot of pain attached to whatever one was teased about or punished for. Getting over that is key to any person why wants to come out as LGBTQ. More and more youth are getting brave enough to come out to their loved ones, sometimes to great pain. But in the end, coming out is much healthier than repressing it for your whole life. From one previously closeted homo: don’t put it off; I’m the happiest I’ve been since my younger years.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Holy crap it's late!!!
So I found this site through a forum I belong to...It's a top 100 of quotes from the internet or TV by ignorant people (100% Christian BTW). A few of my favorites include:
I guess the poster of the last one didn't read where Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is so horrible that people think this way, but I must remind myself that not all Christians are this ignorant. It's just that when key Evangelical Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and the like say bigoted things, people listen and take note. It gets the attention of every one they are shouting out against, and then those people make rash decisions that all Christians are of that same belief. I'm out to prove those assumptions wrong. I will live my life in a way that Christ would. Now it's almost three o'clock in the morning and I have to be up in a few hours to go downtown to study. Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie
Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.
Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.
I guess the poster of the last one didn't read where Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is so horrible that people think this way, but I must remind myself that not all Christians are this ignorant. It's just that when key Evangelical Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and the like say bigoted things, people listen and take note. It gets the attention of every one they are shouting out against, and then those people make rash decisions that all Christians are of that same belief. I'm out to prove those assumptions wrong. I will live my life in a way that Christ would. Now it's almost three o'clock in the morning and I have to be up in a few hours to go downtown to study. Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
a fruitful weekend
So let's see what did I complete this weekend? Six short papers (approx. a page each), three chapter homework assignments, three problem sets, a bunch of reading, and some studying for my midterm on Tuesday. Even with all that, I still need to complete studying for my linguistics midterm on Tuesday, start and complete a five-page essay by Wednesday, study for my art history midterm which will comprise of reading approximately 400 pages of reading that I have not done for the entire term. The reason I'm so behind is because I have been a little down, but the main reason is because I have been consumed with puppyhood. For the past six weeks, I have been taking care of the Coopster, which turned out to be quite a task. Even now I must put him in his kennel in order to be able to complete a thing, seriously. I'll be sure to post more as the drama of the midterm week unfolds.
In good news, Josh and I are going to do something fun for Valentines Day, our one monther, and for the end of midterm week on Friday. We have decided to go bowling and then I will go to his house for the night and sleep in his bed cuddled up next to him. Depending on how things go, we may take it to the next level. But we'll discuss that when the time comes. Live in the moment.
In good news, Josh and I are going to do something fun for Valentines Day, our one monther, and for the end of midterm week on Friday. We have decided to go bowling and then I will go to his house for the night and sleep in his bed cuddled up next to him. Depending on how things go, we may take it to the next level. But we'll discuss that when the time comes. Live in the moment.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A long, long day.
8:45 am Well I’m stuck in the hospital with no WiFi, and I’m writing this in Word. I down eating breakfast in the new cafeteria, which isn’t any better than the old one. I’m eating overcooked oatmeal and a nice fruit bowl. I’m also drinking a diet Pepsi, which is likely going to make me even sleepier than I already am. In fact, I’m going to lie down here on the banquette and sleep. Gran should wake me up when I need to get up...
12:15 pm
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Great news and semi-good news
GREAT NEWS!!!! I plead guilty to the hit and run charge and I got no jail time and a $400 fine which will be paid for by the company I was driving for. Also the charge of driving without a CDL was dismissed AND if I keep my nose clean for 12 months the hit and run charge will be deferred (i.e., dismissed and removed from my criminal record). So I was extremely excited and then came the daunting sleepiness, so much so that I had to have Mom drive part of the way home. And, boy, did I sleep hard last night!
Semi-good news... Last post, I mentioned something about Josh's and my relationship taking a different turn. He's rapidly falling for me, but I am lacking the emotional and intellectual connection that I think every relationship needs. I asked to move it to just a friendship, and he understood fully. However, I'm not sure if I will ever develop love for him, and I know he will be hurt very much by that. I did warn him that I may not. We have some differences that may not work out in the long run, but for now I decided to stay friends with him (no more boyfriends) and we can have a little fun on the side, simply because our physical chemistry is pretty hot. So good (I hope) friends with benefits. I enjoy his company and he's pretty fun, but we're no longer "exclusive" as it were. I felt really bad, but he seemed to take it in stride. Although I know his feelings have to be hurt even just a little. Who knows? Maybe it will develop into something more, but I'm not counting out other people at this point. It is fun, so I definitely think we should stay friends. I enjoy his company and he, mine.
I've got to focus on discovering me at this point, and adding another man to equation wasn't the best idea for now. I think that's part of the reason I've been so stressed. I know it's silly, but I am young and spreading my wings. It is refreshing to have someone like me and like him back. We get along quite well and having a good friend is more important than having a lover/boyfriend in my opinion. Plus we are willing to have fun once in a while. :D
Semi-good news... Last post, I mentioned something about Josh's and my relationship taking a different turn. He's rapidly falling for me, but I am lacking the emotional and intellectual connection that I think every relationship needs. I asked to move it to just a friendship, and he understood fully. However, I'm not sure if I will ever develop love for him, and I know he will be hurt very much by that. I did warn him that I may not. We have some differences that may not work out in the long run, but for now I decided to stay friends with him (no more boyfriends) and we can have a little fun on the side, simply because our physical chemistry is pretty hot. So good (I hope) friends with benefits. I enjoy his company and he's pretty fun, but we're no longer "exclusive" as it were. I felt really bad, but he seemed to take it in stride. Although I know his feelings have to be hurt even just a little. Who knows? Maybe it will develop into something more, but I'm not counting out other people at this point. It is fun, so I definitely think we should stay friends. I enjoy his company and he, mine.
I've got to focus on discovering me at this point, and adding another man to equation wasn't the best idea for now. I think that's part of the reason I've been so stressed. I know it's silly, but I am young and spreading my wings. It is refreshing to have someone like me and like him back. We get along quite well and having a good friend is more important than having a lover/boyfriend in my opinion. Plus we are willing to have fun once in a while. :D
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A steady weekend for a very unsteady week to come
The weekend was somewhat restful. I got some rest in, some homework done, and some time with Josh. The weekend was rather restful, but the coming week is going to be hell. So tomorrow, I have to get ready for court. I am supposed to go before the judge at 1:00 pm in Aberdeen, Washington. If you pray please do so at that time PST. I don't know what to expect except what I have seen on Law and Order, but then that's a bit of a false pretense. I know that it won't be so difficult, and I'm hoping that the cop who wrote my ticket isn't there, because if that's the case they will throw out my case (and I'll be forever grateful).
Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.
On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...
Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.
All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...
Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.
On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...
Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.
All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday comes...and goes, as well
Well another Thursday has come and gone, and that means that my week of classes is done. I am happy that it's over for now. I have much homework to do this weekend. I did yoga last night before I went to bed. It's been a while since I've done yoga, and I was extremely tense. I carry most of my tension and stress in my lower back I've discovered, so I spend much of my time relaxing a stretching those muscles. My hamstrings are also very tense, so I'm working on getting those less tense as well. I find that each day as I let go more and more, my body becomes more flexible and it becomes easier to find my center and drop all of my tension out of my body and into the floor. Deep, easy breathing is the key; knowing your body and how to relax is very important.
I have also been a bad boy. I have forgotten to take my meds for the past two days. (I took it tonight, thank god.) My mood has been fairly steadily decreasing. I haven't been taking it regularly for the past week. And as you may know, these kinds of medications need to be taken at the same time each day in order to work properly. So my mood has suffered because of my neglect. So this weekend I plan on taking it each morning at a regular time. I am going to take some much needed away time this weekend. If only I had a tent. I would go to a campground (yes even in these subfreezing temperatures) and have myself a quiet weekend away from it all. But I can't do that. I do however need a night off from my dog. Josh and I decided that we're going to take it easy this weekend. We don't need a break per se, but I need time away from everything. He says no contact until Monday morning, but I don't thing either of us can hold out that long. I may end up playing World of Warcraft with him on Sunday with his fag hag Liz (or as he calls her, Bingy). But absence makes the heart grow fonder as that damn cliché goes. Even though clichés are overused, the meaning behind them is often truer than we often give credit.
So for this weekend: I won't be blogging, I am not talking to Josh after 4:00 pm Friday, I am going to escape from Cooper for a few hours to get some "me" time, and I'm going to work on some homework. Also on Saturday I have a meeting for my Sexual Minorities Youth class at SMYRC, which is a phenomenal organization targeting sexual minority youth. It's a safe house for LGBT youth in Portland. They even have a prom each year for these exceptional young people who are brave enough to come out. It's awesome that there are places like this. If I had know of this place as a teenager I would have grown into my own sexually perhaps a bit faster, but then I wouldn't have the experiences that I have now. So for a "relaxing" weekend, it's going to be pretty busy. Such is life, but I can't sweat the small stuff. Here's to a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
I have also been a bad boy. I have forgotten to take my meds for the past two days. (I took it tonight, thank god.) My mood has been fairly steadily decreasing. I haven't been taking it regularly for the past week. And as you may know, these kinds of medications need to be taken at the same time each day in order to work properly. So my mood has suffered because of my neglect. So this weekend I plan on taking it each morning at a regular time. I am going to take some much needed away time this weekend. If only I had a tent. I would go to a campground (yes even in these subfreezing temperatures) and have myself a quiet weekend away from it all. But I can't do that. I do however need a night off from my dog. Josh and I decided that we're going to take it easy this weekend. We don't need a break per se, but I need time away from everything. He says no contact until Monday morning, but I don't thing either of us can hold out that long. I may end up playing World of Warcraft with him on Sunday with his fag hag Liz (or as he calls her, Bingy). But absence makes the heart grow fonder as that damn cliché goes. Even though clichés are overused, the meaning behind them is often truer than we often give credit.
So for this weekend: I won't be blogging, I am not talking to Josh after 4:00 pm Friday, I am going to escape from Cooper for a few hours to get some "me" time, and I'm going to work on some homework. Also on Saturday I have a meeting for my Sexual Minorities Youth class at SMYRC, which is a phenomenal organization targeting sexual minority youth. It's a safe house for LGBT youth in Portland. They even have a prom each year for these exceptional young people who are brave enough to come out. It's awesome that there are places like this. If I had know of this place as a teenager I would have grown into my own sexually perhaps a bit faster, but then I wouldn't have the experiences that I have now. So for a "relaxing" weekend, it's going to be pretty busy. Such is life, but I can't sweat the small stuff. Here's to a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Another day, another day...
Now I am actually in a good mood, even though my title seems a little down. I have a LOT going on right now, so I'm really overwhelmed. Two weeks ago, winter term at Portland State began. Also that week I got a new puppy. I was dealing with my newly acquired tickets from Aberdeen, and mentally preparing for my Monday court date. In addition, my mom's health is getting worse, and she is becoming increasingly worried as her surgery next Wednesday approaches (though I can't say I'm not worried, I tend to internalize it while she vocalizes which makes me think about it more often).
More pointedly, I recently acquired a new man. He is amazing, even though he doesn't see it. I am exploring myself in new ways that I've never felt. I like it, but there are parts that confuse me. I am going to talk to him more about some key issues. I think we need to talk about some issues before we both become too attached--and we're both very attached as it is.
So there is a lot of stress when there shouldn't be. Well, it's well past midnight and I may just sleep on the couch because I'm trying to kennel train Cooper, and I may not hear him cry out if he needs to go out tonight. Who knew puppies were so demanding and stressful....and expensive, but that's another story for another day. Another day...
More pointedly, I recently acquired a new man. He is amazing, even though he doesn't see it. I am exploring myself in new ways that I've never felt. I like it, but there are parts that confuse me. I am going to talk to him more about some key issues. I think we need to talk about some issues before we both become too attached--and we're both very attached as it is.
So there is a lot of stress when there shouldn't be. Well, it's well past midnight and I may just sleep on the couch because I'm trying to kennel train Cooper, and I may not hear him cry out if he needs to go out tonight. Who knew puppies were so demanding and stressful....and expensive, but that's another story for another day. Another day...
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
slap me now
Okay, bitches, you need to slap this homo!!!!! I am having thoughts of wearing matching sweaters with Cooper! OMG I am so gay. Slap me now, slap me NAO!!!!! I won't do it...I won't do it....I won't do it!
Haha. I'm wired and I'm going to bed. I'll tell my adventures of going to classes though, which are Intro to Linguistics and History of Western Art (Romanesque to Rococo). Happy joy...not so much. Linguistics is going to be fun because it's a science and I love science. Art history is going to be hell. Well, I can't say that for sure. The professor is this meek older woman with silver hair and wears nondescript glasses who seems nice enough. The only problem is that she is so soft spoken and the PA system in the classroom doesn't work well (when do they ever, really?). So I'm going to have to make an effort to sit in front, which can't offend anyone since I'm so short...Oh and in that class there's this guy who came in late and sat in front of me with the best shoulders. Maybe I'm just so desperate that any guy, gay or straight, is making me horny. It actually took some effort to resist the urge to reach out and grab him. But somethin' tells me he wouldn't have taken too kaindlay to that. (I'm tired; forgive me.) I have to get out this week. I can't go back to my therapist on Friday without having made an effort to be social. Ugh why does the Portland gay scene have to be about drinking and drinking only. Maybe I'll join the Portland Gay Men's Chorus. I love singing and I need a creative outlet since I'm not taking a creative class this term....wow what a tangent. Fuckin' streams of consciousness...
And tomorrow is just going to repeat Monday. How boring is that? With a new puppy, it can't be all that bad. At least I can go jogging with the pup and tucker him out so he can sleep through the night again. Yay he slept all night last night. Poor pup. Today I was going to walk to the bank, but it was rainy and cold and windy. Coop was shivering because he's so thin from his last owners. (That's why I was thinking of getting matching argyle sweaters for us.) But needless to say, I got a quarter of a mile from home and decided that I couldn't make him walk the two miles or so in the cold and wet, all while being freaked out by the roaring four-wheel drives in Oak Grove...but that's another issue altogether. I think we're taking him kennel shopping tomorrow night at PetSmart or PetCo. There's this really nice one there that's collapsible. But then there's this one at Target that's half the price and looks really similar. Gots to shop around though, especially since I have a ton of books to buy and only $150 bucks to get $300 or so of them...Thank God for the library.
Here's to tomorrow.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Puppy, work, classes, etc...
Yesterday afternoon, my cousin Nicole and ex-boyfriend–now–just–friend Nathan, called and asked if we wanted a puppy. I said sure, and they came over to give us the pup, an adorable Labrador-Blue Heeler mix. He's all black with white feet (all four) and white markings on his face and chest. He's so mellow and cute. Only eight weeks old, he is a handful, super clingy like most puppies are when separated from the litter too soon. He's not housebroken yet, so we're working on that one...close watching is required to prevent him from doing things in the house. We were going to call him Jasper, but that didn't fit him. I went to my grandmother's house, and she suggested Cooper. It stuck. It's perfect for him. Plus, it's an awesome name. When I take him to the dog park and some hot guy asks what his name is, "Cooper" is extremely awesome. Thanks Granna!
Some of the bad things about him is that he isn't housebroken yet, he is teething so he's chewing on everything—seriously everything—he doesn't sleep through the night yet, and our cat, Sam, is freaking out. Our cat is a Siamese, but with an extremely amiable temperament. He's about eight years old and set in his ways. He is really upset about this new addition. He even vomited today on Mom's silk brocade bed spread. He's shedding profusely, and he won't come anywhere near Cooper. I feel horrible for him, and I've decided that if Sam doesn't adjust within the week, then we can't keep the puppy. :( Oh well, I don't know if I'll be in love with him so much if he doesn't learn to sleep through the night.
So I've got a pseudo-job. The company I drove for last Friday is hiring me on to help finish cleaning up the paint shop. It's not too difficult, and it pays thirteen bucks an hour. I really don't like blue collar labor, but you gotta do the icky stuff to get to do the fun stuff later on. Plus, I can take Cooper there, no problem, except that my supervisor has an adult dog that usually comes to work with him. I don't know how Cooper will react to the new dog; I may be keeping Coop in the car if he reacts badly since the other dog tends to like to bite.
Ah I went to my first class today. I have just one class on Monday, Sexual and Gender Minority Youth. My professor is nice, and she really has passion for LGBTQIAP issues. If any more letters get added to the acronym, it's going to be out of control—if it's not already. Heh. I'm taking the class so I know what's out there for me. I'm not a "youth" per se, but I am newly out and not sure where to start in the Portland queer scene. So this will help familiarize me with the LGBT youth community, which can lead to knowing more about the adult community. The Portland Q Center seems like a good resource, but there aren't many event's that sound particularly interesting. I don't do the drinking/partying scene so my options are kinda limited in Portland. If only I could find a place where the gay intellectuals are....
Well, Monday is over and I'm utterly exhausted. Yoga tonight was refreshing and relaxing, I felt like I could have kept on doing it for an hour or so. I'm just that tense. Strangely, I carry much of my tension in my abdomen and lower back.
Some of the bad things about him is that he isn't housebroken yet, he is teething so he's chewing on everything—seriously everything—he doesn't sleep through the night yet, and our cat, Sam, is freaking out. Our cat is a Siamese, but with an extremely amiable temperament. He's about eight years old and set in his ways. He is really upset about this new addition. He even vomited today on Mom's silk brocade bed spread. He's shedding profusely, and he won't come anywhere near Cooper. I feel horrible for him, and I've decided that if Sam doesn't adjust within the week, then we can't keep the puppy. :( Oh well, I don't know if I'll be in love with him so much if he doesn't learn to sleep through the night.
So I've got a pseudo-job. The company I drove for last Friday is hiring me on to help finish cleaning up the paint shop. It's not too difficult, and it pays thirteen bucks an hour. I really don't like blue collar labor, but you gotta do the icky stuff to get to do the fun stuff later on. Plus, I can take Cooper there, no problem, except that my supervisor has an adult dog that usually comes to work with him. I don't know how Cooper will react to the new dog; I may be keeping Coop in the car if he reacts badly since the other dog tends to like to bite.
Ah I went to my first class today. I have just one class on Monday, Sexual and Gender Minority Youth. My professor is nice, and she really has passion for LGBTQIAP issues. If any more letters get added to the acronym, it's going to be out of control—if it's not already. Heh. I'm taking the class so I know what's out there for me. I'm not a "youth" per se, but I am newly out and not sure where to start in the Portland queer scene. So this will help familiarize me with the LGBT youth community, which can lead to knowing more about the adult community. The Portland Q Center seems like a good resource, but there aren't many event's that sound particularly interesting. I don't do the drinking/partying scene so my options are kinda limited in Portland. If only I could find a place where the gay intellectuals are....
Well, Monday is over and I'm utterly exhausted. Yoga tonight was refreshing and relaxing, I felt like I could have kept on doing it for an hour or so. I'm just that tense. Strangely, I carry much of my tension in my abdomen and lower back.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A horrible Friday...and drab Saturday
Hmmmm, it's been a long past two days. So this post may end up being super long. So if you don't want to read, don't; otherwise...carry on. As in my last post, I was driving a truck yesterday. I drove to Aberdeen, Washington, to drop off a job box. Which was fine, but I got confused and tried to turn around somewhere that was too tight (just barely). I thought I just grazed a tree so I moved along, trying to finish the delivery. I went down the highway, and I was pulled over by the local police a few miles out. He said I had hit someone, and I was really surprised by that. I wouldn't have left the scene had I known I'd hit another vehicle. He had me turn around and go back into town. I noticed on my way back that my load had come loose on two connections. I got back to the scene and realized that I had barely grazed a parked semi and knocked off a good chunk of tree. I think the diesel must have been groaning so loudly that I didn't hear any of that. After a few hours of being talked to by both the local police and the county sheriff, I was notified that I was not licensed to be driving the rig I was driving. It is rated for 30,000 pounds gross weight, and a normal Class C license is only up to 16,000 pounds or something like that. This part really pisses me off because I asked my employers twice if I was licensed to drive the truck.
So, I was charged with 3 law violations: driving without proof of insurance (which I'm not paying the $550 ticket for), hit and run (which is a criminal charge, and I hope that the judge will see that I didn't realize I'd hit anything), and driving a commercial vehicle without proper licensing (which is criminal also for some reason). Also the company I was driving for was charged for improper securing of the load, which is only a $124 ticket for something that puts many people including myself at risk for serious injury or death, compared to my uninsured ticket of over 500......When the tow truck came, the operator said that I was lucky I didn't get killed. So I have a court date for January 28 all the way back in friggin Aberdeen. Let's hope the judge will see my side of the story. I don't believe myself to be guilty of a hit and run, since I had no knowledge of hitting anyone. Let's just say that no matter what happens in the future, I am always going to get out and double and triple check the situation before I get on with my day.
All I have to say is FUCK!!!!!! That was just a shitty day and I slept for 14 hours last night because it was so stressful.
Well in other news.... (I'll keep it bulleted from here out)
So, I was charged with 3 law violations: driving without proof of insurance (which I'm not paying the $550 ticket for), hit and run (which is a criminal charge, and I hope that the judge will see that I didn't realize I'd hit anything), and driving a commercial vehicle without proper licensing (which is criminal also for some reason). Also the company I was driving for was charged for improper securing of the load, which is only a $124 ticket for something that puts many people including myself at risk for serious injury or death, compared to my uninsured ticket of over 500......When the tow truck came, the operator said that I was lucky I didn't get killed. So I have a court date for January 28 all the way back in friggin Aberdeen. Let's hope the judge will see my side of the story. I don't believe myself to be guilty of a hit and run, since I had no knowledge of hitting anyone. Let's just say that no matter what happens in the future, I am always going to get out and double and triple check the situation before I get on with my day.
All I have to say is FUCK!!!!!! That was just a shitty day and I slept for 14 hours last night because it was so stressful.
Well in other news.... (I'll keep it bulleted from here out)
- My date is chickening out on me because I don't have relationship experience and he's ready to settle down....at 21.
- I'm gearing up to get back to school on Monday.
- I'm still looking for a part time job. Although the university bookstore is hiring for their tech center, which sounds kinda fun.
- I put a purple streak in the front of my hair, but you can't see it because my hair is already dark....
- I am tired from yesterday.
- And I'm hungry and going to get some food right after I proof read and post this entry...
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
NO MORE DRINKING!!!!
Yay!!! it's 2008 and I'm still here!!!!!! w00t! I'm terribly bored on the first day of the new year, but all is well. I got not drunk last night, but sick from a drink and a half. I'm a wuss and a half to go with my drink and a half. Serve with fondue, and voilà! a recipe for disaster. I think I had too much rich food for dinner, and then drank too fast because fuckin' Tim Gunn of Project Runway made me drink twice every time he said "Make it work" or "Gather 'round." On top of that, when Heidi Klum said "auf Wiedersehen" we drank two swallows. Also we picked three words (fashion, fabric, and Tim) that we had to take a sip on. Well I drank an amaretto sour and half of one in under an hour, and for someone who never drinks, that was too much. I got really sleepy, a headache, and I threw up a little. It was fun because I was happy, but a little ill from it.
In other news. I spoke with someone I met on MySpace last night online until his parents came in on him (he is legal, 19). We had a candid conversation about life and what is happening. He is not out except to a few select people, for fear that he will lose financial support from his parents. It's so sad that in this world that there are still parents who treat their children this way. But like I told him, he never knows what their reaction will be until he tries it. Though it may be wise until he gets out of the umbrella of his folks' W2 and FAFSA issues. I know that can be a hassle.
Speaking of FAFSA and financial shit, my aid for this term still has not been processed. I'm calling PS fucking U tomorrow to chew them out about it. They said December 28th and it was a no go. I have to pay rent people! Sigh. Now to prepare my résumé and fill out a few apps online. Whole Foods, here I come!
In other news. I spoke with someone I met on MySpace last night online until his parents came in on him (he is legal, 19). We had a candid conversation about life and what is happening. He is not out except to a few select people, for fear that he will lose financial support from his parents. It's so sad that in this world that there are still parents who treat their children this way. But like I told him, he never knows what their reaction will be until he tries it. Though it may be wise until he gets out of the umbrella of his folks' W2 and FAFSA issues. I know that can be a hassle.
Speaking of FAFSA and financial shit, my aid for this term still has not been processed. I'm calling PS fucking U tomorrow to chew them out about it. They said December 28th and it was a no go. I have to pay rent people! Sigh. Now to prepare my résumé and fill out a few apps online. Whole Foods, here I come!
Monday, December 31, 2007
squeeeeEEeeeeze!
I put on a pair of 32-inch waist jeans today--more like squeezed into them--but they actually buttoned and zipped up. Wow. I'm losing inches!! And I've lost about 3 pounds over the past week. 180ish is still a bit to heavy for my frame. Ciao for now...
Happy New Year!!!!
Happy New Year!!!!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I forgot that I have a doctor appointment today!
OMG! I have a doctor appointment with my GI surgeon! Yes I'm only 22 but I have had two major surgeries. So I have to go talk with my doctor about an ongoing infection, which seems to have cleared up! So I may call and say I'm good! No sign of infection, although I would like to ask about having anal sex. Arg. Well I may as well explain my disease/surgeries....
So when I was a senior in high school (2002), I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that affects the large intestine and may be controlled by certain medications. I was sent to OHSU Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. People can say what they want about OHSU, but they saved my life. Well I lived with UC for about two years before my doctor said enough. I couldn't get it to go into remission. I was having episodes of uncontrollable bowel movements. I would go to classes during the day and come home at night and go to sleep because it was draining me of all energy. I was having BMs upwards of 20 times a day, and any sleep I did get was interrupted by urgent BMs. The excruciating pain was crippling much of the time; I would often spend hours doubled over in the bathroom, groaning from it. The stress of the disease and school and everything else going on in my life was too much, so I was referred to a surgeon to have my colon removed.
I won't detail the surgery too much, but they made a 10-inch incision in my abdomen and took out five feet of my body that I don't miss. They made a temporary ileostomy, and also a j-pouch. After 3 months I went back for another surgery to reconnect my abdominal opening with my j-pouch (this link will take you to a resource for people with ileo-anal pouches). Now I have bowel movements like any other person except they aren't solid--since that's what the large intestine does, removes water from the poo--and more often than normal, about 4-6 times per day. So my only issue is potassium and sodium levels (both very important in brain and nerve function) in my body and hydration.
Since I have come out of the closet, I have wanted to experiment with anal sex, and I want to ask my doctor about her recommendations. I have a feeling that she will say no way no how, because all the literature I have found says it's not recommended. Apparently the tissue isn't the same as with a normal butt hole. Damn looks like I'm not going to have that option. Eek! I'll just have to do without...which is just fine! Well cheers. Off to have another fun filled day!
So when I was a senior in high school (2002), I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that affects the large intestine and may be controlled by certain medications. I was sent to OHSU Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. People can say what they want about OHSU, but they saved my life. Well I lived with UC for about two years before my doctor said enough. I couldn't get it to go into remission. I was having episodes of uncontrollable bowel movements. I would go to classes during the day and come home at night and go to sleep because it was draining me of all energy. I was having BMs upwards of 20 times a day, and any sleep I did get was interrupted by urgent BMs. The excruciating pain was crippling much of the time; I would often spend hours doubled over in the bathroom, groaning from it. The stress of the disease and school and everything else going on in my life was too much, so I was referred to a surgeon to have my colon removed.
I won't detail the surgery too much, but they made a 10-inch incision in my abdomen and took out five feet of my body that I don't miss. They made a temporary ileostomy, and also a j-pouch. After 3 months I went back for another surgery to reconnect my abdominal opening with my j-pouch (this link will take you to a resource for people with ileo-anal pouches). Now I have bowel movements like any other person except they aren't solid--since that's what the large intestine does, removes water from the poo--and more often than normal, about 4-6 times per day. So my only issue is potassium and sodium levels (both very important in brain and nerve function) in my body and hydration.
Since I have come out of the closet, I have wanted to experiment with anal sex, and I want to ask my doctor about her recommendations. I have a feeling that she will say no way no how, because all the literature I have found says it's not recommended. Apparently the tissue isn't the same as with a normal butt hole. Damn looks like I'm not going to have that option. Eek! I'll just have to do without...which is just fine! Well cheers. Off to have another fun filled day!
Early morning antics
So last night I had a guy friend over. I have a gut feeling that he is gay, but he refuses to come out of the closet. I completely understand where he's coming from. He's Asian and Catholic, so he has a cultural and religious slant against being gay--although he doesn't seem to have a problem with my homosexuality; in fact, he's surprisingly accepting of me, even though he knows I think he's cute. Well, I keep trying to work him out of the closet, but I think just being a friend showing him that you can still be a gay Christian--well a follower of Christ. But even though he's been very unsuccessful with female relationships, he can't come out yet, I must respect that as his very good friend and brother. Let's hope he doesn't marry and have kids, because that can be hurtful in the end for all involved people.
So since that prospect of him being by boyfriend is out the window, I am going to try some social networking here in Portland. I have no clue about the gay scene in Portland, but I'm definitely not into the club scene. No cruising, just friends, and if it develops into more that's great, if not even better. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and like to be challenged to learn more about the world around me. For me a friendship should be about exchanging ideas and informing each other about different world views previously unknown. So if I get bored in a friendship, it's not because I don't like you, I just may not feel like I can have a sophisticated conversation about whatever. My options for conversation are very open, current events and politics, LGBT issues, science, music, gaming, movies, reading, plays/musicals, and even sports. I like all sorts of things, so I like a conversation that transforms over time, moving from one topic to another, arguing and debating issues in today's society. I love a good debate, even if I don't win it. I especially love a good debate if you can convince me that my stance is wrong or vice versa.
I say all this to say that I'm going out this Friday night to find my niche in the Portland gay scene. It's not about sex; I can watch porn for that. I want some friends, being cooped up for the past six months has given me unfathomable energy! And maybe I'll bring along my aforementioned friend, and we can talk about him later ;)
So today I am going to be searching for clip art (ew!) and pictures for the family calendar. Mom started making a family calendar about seven years ago and it stuck. We have pictures of family and all the family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. in there. I always get stuck with finding funny little clip art to illustrate each family member. If I had started earlier I may have made up little avatars in Adobe Illustrator for each family member, but since there are only six days until Christmas it's crunch time. I might turn on the news today while I do it or ESPN or Logo or watch reruns of Project Runway while I search for pictures. And since I'm going to be totally bored today, I'll probably post again today if time permits. I'm going to have to go pick my grandma up at the train station today...and turn in some forms for the state. So I'll have some stuff to do, but I should have some amount of free time because I'm just ADD like that.
So since that prospect of him being by boyfriend is out the window, I am going to try some social networking here in Portland. I have no clue about the gay scene in Portland, but I'm definitely not into the club scene. No cruising, just friends, and if it develops into more that's great, if not even better. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and like to be challenged to learn more about the world around me. For me a friendship should be about exchanging ideas and informing each other about different world views previously unknown. So if I get bored in a friendship, it's not because I don't like you, I just may not feel like I can have a sophisticated conversation about whatever. My options for conversation are very open, current events and politics, LGBT issues, science, music, gaming, movies, reading, plays/musicals, and even sports. I like all sorts of things, so I like a conversation that transforms over time, moving from one topic to another, arguing and debating issues in today's society. I love a good debate, even if I don't win it. I especially love a good debate if you can convince me that my stance is wrong or vice versa.
I say all this to say that I'm going out this Friday night to find my niche in the Portland gay scene. It's not about sex; I can watch porn for that. I want some friends, being cooped up for the past six months has given me unfathomable energy! And maybe I'll bring along my aforementioned friend, and we can talk about him later ;)
So today I am going to be searching for clip art (ew!) and pictures for the family calendar. Mom started making a family calendar about seven years ago and it stuck. We have pictures of family and all the family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. in there. I always get stuck with finding funny little clip art to illustrate each family member. If I had started earlier I may have made up little avatars in Adobe Illustrator for each family member, but since there are only six days until Christmas it's crunch time. I might turn on the news today while I do it or ESPN or Logo or watch reruns of Project Runway while I search for pictures. And since I'm going to be totally bored today, I'll probably post again today if time permits. I'm going to have to go pick my grandma up at the train station today...and turn in some forms for the state. So I'll have some stuff to do, but I should have some amount of free time because I'm just ADD like that.
