slow connections and headaches

Well, my internet connection is being a bugger these days. It is really fast, but the connection to start is rather delayed. It is quite annoying, but it does get the job done eventually. The only problem is running the internet on my iPod which doesn’t seem to like it and times out most of the time on our network. Thankfully, our neighbor’s WiFi isn’t secured so I’m free to bootleg his internet. I don’t feel bad about it because I pay for my own internet; I just have issues with my $45/month subscription. It seems to be working okay as long as I'm patient when starting up a new web page. Now if only the phone company were easier to deal with.

Well it is Tuesday and the week is half gone and I’m working diligently on my book for art115. I pulled some random idea out of my ass just before I went to class this afternoon, and of course it was brilliant. I really just have a mind for design. I surprise even myself sometimes. I will post the PDF of the book as soon I complete it. It is this kind of interesting artful take on something scientific. I took the idea of a single atom, oxygen, something rather banal and changed it into something expressive and understandable to a broader audience. I can only hope the end product is as well accepted as the concept.

Another thing though, is that Cooper has been driving me absolutely bonkers. He is going through one of those testy, whiny phases. He’s discovered that whining gets him attention, now whether he likes being told to shut up still being up for debate. Anyway, he is best when ignored. He will usually calm down within a couple minutes if he is ignored completely. The only bad part is that he knows the perfect yelp to basically blow out our eardrums. It sucks when it gets that obnoxious—I can’t even concentrate at that point. I just hope he survives the heat a bit better than he’s been doing.

Well, a lot happened today. Lots more to come this week. Cheers.

the drama that is my life :P

Even though my life is probably not all that interesting, it's very dramatic at times. So yesterday morning I took Cooper outside without a leash on. Now, he's normally fine when it comes to going out in the morning just to pee and then coming back in, but so often he gets antsy and decides to run around....and usually that's fine because I just leave him outside with the door open and he'll run back in when he realizes that I'm not playing with him at that moment.

But I waited for a while, and he didn't come back. So I walked around for about an hour and a half looking for him, thinking I heard him barking around the neighborhood. Well after exhausting myself with worry I went home crying with a headache. I tried working on my term paper, but to no avail. I was so sick with worry, all I could do was sit outside and wait for the pup to show up...but then Mom called. She said that we needed to go to the pound to see if we could find him there. She said to look up the number online, but when I got to the website, they had a posting system where people could post dogs they had found--not cats obviously because cats do not get lost...unless you're our cat, who freaks out if he (accidentally) goes out hehe. Well it turns out that he had followed a kid to school, and one of the teachers got him and put him in her car. Well, I was going crazy for nothing. He was safe; and he won't be disappearing again anytime soon. Little bugger. :D

A week in the life....

So last week, my grandparents went out of town. Well they have a pregnant horse that needs to be fed very regularly and I started off last week without a car so I had to ride my bike about 3 miles roundtrip to get there from the bus. That wouldn't have been a problem except that I haven't ridden my bicycle seriously for about three years. Needless to say, I'm very out of shape...VERY. Haha...I seriously think I couldn't breathe for about thirty minutes after I got there. But I fed the horses, and went up to tend to my grandparent's new kitten, Shorty, who curled up on my lap while we both slept for quite some time. Well, then I went back over to feed and trekked off the school (after taking a shower of course). That was a fun adventure that I had to repeat the following day until Friday, when I discovered that my license had not been suspended, but that it will be if I don't pay my ticket soon. Arg. So this week I get to drive out there which is certainly more accessible by motor vehicle than by cycling—although it would be healthy for this fat ass to be shocked into getting back into shape....which has been fairly neglected for the past month or so.

Which leads me to my next topic of transgression. I have been feeling so ugly for the past week or so. It usually happens when I hit a low from depression. I feel fat and sluggish. I'm not eating healthily at all, and I haven't done yoga for quite some time. I went to a gay bar a couple Wednesdays ago and I got no love—except by a guy who was hugging everyone. So, here I am, my stout, stocky 180 pounds of me, surrounded by (some healthy some not) thinner men who look fantastic. I show up to the bar with a dyke friend of mine, just because we wanted to hang out and sell raffle tickets for SMYRC. I am not looking hot. Here's my look from head to toe: I had on my off-white Old Navy baseball cap, which I have gracelessly distressed; an ill-fitting bright blue sweater that is a really good color, but it's made from really cheap cotton and stretches out awkwardly by the end of the day; I have on my lazy, I'm-feeling-fat jeans that actually make my butt look decent; and my shoes are my two-year-old Nikes that are a little too loved. And the best part is that I didn't shower that day. Well I had a couple guys flirt with me before the drag show started and all the hot guys showed up. (BTW I can't stand drag; it's just not my thing.) So yeah, that little story put a big damper on my second gay bar experience, proving yet again that I just don't fit in with the "scene" in Portland, which is my main reason for disliking P-town to begin with. It's almost as if I need to find a man and then move back here, but what would the point of the be? I know living in places like Seattle and New York are more expensive, but for me it's worth it if I know I can find something do to at any time, day or night.

All right enough mulling, I have to get to class and then later tonight I have to pound out at least two pages for my term paper in art history—which is due Thursday. I have a stack of books about ten inches high at home with research for the Duomo of Florence Cathedral by Fillipo Brunelleschi. It is said to mark the beginning of the Renaissance; it was a controversial design that ultimately ended up changing the face of art and architecture forever. We still define many of our designs today with Renaissance art and architecture. Now to put that in a paper....wish me luck!

and another week!

Well, I made it through week seven out of ten! So there are just three more weeks until finals week and then spring break. I will have an online final for art history and a final for linguistics. We will be done in my sexual minorities youth during week ten, so that'll be done before then. Whew!

Well my week went by pretty blah. I went to all my classes that I wanted to. I didn't go on Thursday because I had the worst allergies. I had horrible allergies today also. I have been sleeping for ten or more hours a night....er day...I'd wake up early to take the dog out, put him in his kennel. Then, I would fall asleep for another few hours and wake up with a raging headache. Decidedly the past two days haven't been pleasant, but it could have been worse.

In some good news, I got a "D" on my art history exam because I ran out of time to complete it. Well I emailed my professor before she graded the exams explaining that I have ADD pretty bad and that it affects how I take exams (especially timed ones), and she finally got back to me after the exams were graded. I was kinda depressed after I got the grade on Tuesday night, but come Thursday she emailed me and said it was reset for Saturday all day (for 90 minutes again). But it gets even better. She said that if I didn't have enough time to finish the comparative essays online that I could bring her a paper copy to class on Tuesday. Wow, if you ask for a little bit, it seems that it works out in the long run. ADD really is detrimental to my grades (and my SAT scores), but because it is not medically diagnosed, I can't go through the Disability Resource Center on campus. But professors are generally more than accommodating when it comes to such matters, so it's just a matter of asking.

I can't decide...

I really enjoy having Cooper...sometimes. And at other times he's more trouble than the pleasure he gives. I like taking him for walks, but it seems that no matter how long I take him out, he always has to go out every fifteen minutes or so. I usually end up putting him in his kennel or else I get annoyed with him because I can't get anything done. I end up taking all my time just to focus on the mangy mutt that won't hold still but for a few seconds at a time. I take him out running, and he just won't hold still--even though he's extremely exhausted. I don't know what to do. Should I keep him? Or should I send him elsewhere where it might be better for him to get out of the puppy stage (labs tend to have a two-year puppy stage)? I'm still torn on what to do. It just seems like no matter what I do to try to like this poor guy, he just can't live up to my expectations or something....maybe I'm not a dog person after all...

happy hump day!

So I am officially halfway through this dreadful week. My linguistics exam was muy fácil. So much so that I finished it in about 30 minutes. I was supposed to have finished a paper for my class tonight, but Mom and I finally got things resolved between us. We both had a good cry session last night when I should have been working on my homework. She said some pretty hurtful things, and it threw me off today.

Well, I asked for an extension on my paper, and I plan on having it done by Friday after I have taken my art history midterm, which may prove harder than my linguistics exam. I have three days from which to choose to do it, but when I begin the exam I will only have something like two hours to complete it. I hate timed exams because I always do poorly on them. I can't concentrate and having that time constraint makes my concentration wane even more.

As you know from a previous post, I had a little tantrum and broke my phone. Well, I ordered a new one online today. The enV. It's supposed to be the best phone Verizon has, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It's really kind of ugly, but it has a 2.0 megapixel camera instead of the standard 1.3 megapixel camera that most phones come with. It's kind of cool though because it flips open and has a full keyboard in the inside. It's going to take some getting used to, but in the end texting and posting stuff on the web should be substantially easier.

In other news, Cooper is doing well. The Australian cattle dog (blue heeler) part of him is getting the better of him, and he is starting to nip. So I'm trying to break him of that, but then it's like telling him not to breathe since that's what blue heelers were bred to do. He loves to chase me though. I can run around in a field forever and he would chase me, nipping of course. It's so crazy how much breeding has ingrained these instincts into the dogs. Some of the lab tendencies that he has are playing fetch (without training), lying on my lap, and constantly having to be near me. He is so attached to me. Mom says that when I leave him home with her that he whines for about five minutes...how sad!

Some bad habits he has are eating random things. He recently passed a penny, and Mom claims to have seen him eat some screws (let's hope they don't hurt him). The worst one is that he has acquired the taste of kitty poo. I catch him eating out the litter box all the time--one more thing to break him of. Another odd thing that he does is when it's raining, he will lick the ground to drink! You'd think we never fed or gave him water. I try to tell him that most of the water on the ground is contaminated with oil but, he won't listen to me. I tell him that eating rhododendrons is not too healthy but he insists on eating a bit of it every time I take him out. He's full of quirks and I'll have to post all of them in list form some time.

Well it's late and Coldplay is putting me to sleep. So I hope everyone's hump day went well. Cheers everyone!! There're only two more days this week then the weekend! YAAAYYYYYY!

a fruitful weekend

So let's see what did I complete this weekend? Six short papers (approx. a page each), three chapter homework assignments, three problem sets, a bunch of reading, and some studying for my midterm on Tuesday. Even with all that, I still need to complete studying for my linguistics midterm on Tuesday, start and complete a five-page essay by Wednesday, study for my art history midterm which will comprise of reading approximately 400 pages of reading that I have not done for the entire term. The reason I'm so behind is because I have been a little down, but the main reason is because I have been consumed with puppyhood. For the past six weeks, I have been taking care of the Coopster, which turned out to be quite a task. Even now I must put him in his kennel in order to be able to complete a thing, seriously. I'll be sure to post more as the drama of the midterm week unfolds.

In good news, Josh and I are going to do something fun for Valentines Day, our one monther, and for the end of midterm week on Friday. We have decided to go bowling and then I will go to his house for the night and sleep in his bed cuddled up next to him. Depending on how things go, we may take it to the next level. But we'll discuss that when the time comes. Live in the moment.

I can't get away

And I desperately need to. Among taking care of Cooper, my recovering mother, and starting my homework, I am stretched too thin. Cooper is easy, I can just take him for a long walk and he will play for a while and sleep. The only problem is that he will wake up in about two hours to have to go out. Speaking of which, I was extremely exhausted last night, when I got up with Cooper this morning to take him out he just went out to pee, which is normal. Then I sat on the couch to wait for him to eat some and take him out again. The problem this morning is that I fell asleep before I could take him out a second time, so he ended up pooping like two tons in the house. I woke up to that smell burning my nose, reluctantly disciplined him (I don't understand why he won't whine at me if I'm not paying attention), and took him out. I decided I would have no more of that so I put him in his kennel, while I dozed off again.

Soon enough Mom came downstairs, apologizing for her crappy attitude last night. But I guess I should start from the beginning...So she came home Thursday, the day after her surgery. Everything seemed to go well, she was very tired but otherwise okay. I went to class on Thursday in the evening. But I met a friend whom I hadn't seen for quite some time, and we had dinner. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't go to my second class. I don't really enjoy going to art history, so I don't feel bad about skipping, especially since I am well beyond the class. Anyway, I digress. All is well with her, she received a call from her doctor saying that she is officially CANCER FREE!!!! So that was very good news. But good news or not, being cooped up in the house (and the hospital) with her for five straight days is a bit much for anyone to handle. She already has much to say about my life, though I am trying my damnedest to free myself even just a little from her smothering. Now I know I am just growing up, but I've had several people say the same thing. She has too deep a hold in my life; she affects nearly every action I take. While I would like to move out on my own, I can't afford it at the moment. That being said, living at home is quite cheap, and I plan on living cheap for some time. Until then, however, I must remind her that it is my life and that she doesn't have much to say about it unless it affects her directly, in which case I will gladly concede or find a compromise.

Now to start my homework, which always seems so daunting until I actually start it. Then it is really quite easy, but the problem with it being so easy is that I get bored quickly. I just can't get too happy, can I?

A steady weekend for a very unsteady week to come

The weekend was somewhat restful. I got some rest in, some homework done, and some time with Josh. The weekend was rather restful, but the coming week is going to be hell. So tomorrow, I have to get ready for court. I am supposed to go before the judge at 1:00 pm in Aberdeen, Washington. If you pray please do so at that time PST. I don't know what to expect except what I have seen on Law and Order, but then that's a bit of a false pretense. I know that it won't be so difficult, and I'm hoping that the cop who wrote my ticket isn't there, because if that's the case they will throw out my case (and I'll be forever grateful).

Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.

On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...

Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.

All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...

Thursday comes...and goes, as well

Well another Thursday has come and gone, and that means that my week of classes is done. I am happy that it's over for now. I have much homework to do this weekend. I did yoga last night before I went to bed. It's been a while since I've done yoga, and I was extremely tense. I carry most of my tension and stress in my lower back I've discovered, so I spend much of my time relaxing a stretching those muscles. My hamstrings are also very tense, so I'm working on getting those less tense as well. I find that each day as I let go more and more, my body becomes more flexible and it becomes easier to find my center and drop all of my tension out of my body and into the floor. Deep, easy breathing is the key; knowing your body and how to relax is very important.

I have also been a bad boy. I have forgotten to take my meds for the past two days. (I took it tonight, thank god.) My mood has been fairly steadily decreasing. I haven't been taking it regularly for the past week. And as you may know, these kinds of medications need to be taken at the same time each day in order to work properly. So my mood has suffered because of my neglect. So this weekend I plan on taking it each morning at a regular time. I am going to take some much needed away time this weekend. If only I had a tent. I would go to a campground (yes even in these subfreezing temperatures) and have myself a quiet weekend away from it all. But I can't do that. I do however need a night off from my dog. Josh and I decided that we're going to take it easy this weekend. We don't need a break per se, but I need time away from everything. He says no contact until Monday morning, but I don't thing either of us can hold out that long. I may end up playing World of Warcraft with him on Sunday with his fag hag Liz (or as he calls her, Bingy). But absence makes the heart grow fonder as that damn cliché goes. Even though clichés are overused, the meaning behind them is often truer than we often give credit.

So for this weekend: I won't be blogging, I am not talking to Josh after 4:00 pm Friday, I am going to escape from Cooper for a few hours to get some "me" time, and I'm going to work on some homework. Also on Saturday I have a meeting for my Sexual Minorities Youth class at SMYRC, which is a phenomenal organization targeting sexual minority youth. It's a safe house for LGBT youth in Portland. They even have a prom each year for these exceptional young people who are brave enough to come out. It's awesome that there are places like this. If I had know of this place as a teenager I would have grown into my own sexually perhaps a bit faster, but then I wouldn't have the experiences that I have now. So for a "relaxing" weekend, it's going to be pretty busy. Such is life, but I can't sweat the small stuff. Here's to a wonderful, relaxing weekend.

Another day, another day...

Now I am actually in a good mood, even though my title seems a little down. I have a LOT going on right now, so I'm really overwhelmed. Two weeks ago, winter term at Portland State began. Also that week I got a new puppy. I was dealing with my newly acquired tickets from Aberdeen, and mentally preparing for my Monday court date. In addition, my mom's health is getting worse, and she is becoming increasingly worried as her surgery next Wednesday approaches (though I can't say I'm not worried, I tend to internalize it while she vocalizes which makes me think about it more often).

More pointedly, I recently acquired a new man. He is amazing, even though he doesn't see it. I am exploring myself in new ways that I've never felt. I like it, but there are parts that confuse me. I am going to talk to him more about some key issues. I think we need to talk about some issues before we both become too attached--and we're both very attached as it is.

So there is a lot of stress when there shouldn't be. Well, it's well past midnight and I may just sleep on the couch because I'm trying to kennel train Cooper, and I may not hear him cry out if he needs to go out tonight. Who knew puppies were so demanding and stressful....and expensive, but that's another story for another day. Another day...

slap me now

Okay, bitches, you need to slap this homo!!!!! I am having thoughts of wearing matching sweaters with Cooper! OMG I am so gay. Slap me now, slap me NAO!!!!! I won't do it...I won't do it....I won't do it!

Haha. I'm wired and I'm going to bed. I'll tell my adventures of going to classes though, which are Intro to Linguistics and History of Western Art (Romanesque to Rococo). Happy joy...not so much. Linguistics is going to be fun because it's a science and I love science. Art history is going to be hell. Well, I can't say that for sure. The professor is this meek older woman with silver hair and wears nondescript glasses who seems nice enough. The only problem is that she is so soft spoken and the PA system in the classroom doesn't work well (when do they ever, really?). So I'm going to have to make an effort to sit in front, which can't offend anyone since I'm so short...Oh and in that class there's this guy who came in late and sat in front of me with the best shoulders. Maybe I'm just so desperate that any guy, gay or straight, is making me horny. It actually took some effort to resist the urge to reach out and grab him. But somethin' tells me he wouldn't have taken too kaindlay to that. (I'm tired; forgive me.) I have to get out this week. I can't go back to my therapist on Friday without having made an effort to be social. Ugh why does the Portland gay scene have to be about drinking and drinking only. Maybe I'll join the Portland Gay Men's Chorus. I love singing and I need a creative outlet since I'm not taking a creative class this term....wow what a tangent. Fuckin' streams of consciousness...

And tomorrow is just going to repeat Monday. How boring is that? With a new puppy, it can't be all that bad. At least I can go jogging with the pup and tucker him out so he can sleep through the night again. Yay he slept all night last night. Poor pup. Today I was going to walk to the bank, but it was rainy and cold and windy. Coop was shivering because he's so thin from his last owners. (That's why I was thinking of getting matching argyle sweaters for us.) But needless to say, I got a quarter of a mile from home and decided that I couldn't make him walk the two miles or so in the cold and wet, all while being freaked out by the roaring four-wheel drives in Oak Grove...but that's another issue altogether. I think we're taking him kennel shopping tomorrow night at PetSmart or PetCo. There's this really nice one there that's collapsible. But then there's this one at Target that's half the price and looks really similar. Gots to shop around though, especially since I have a ton of books to buy and only $150 bucks to get $300 or so of them...Thank God for the library.

Here's to tomorrow.

Puppy, work, classes, etc...

Yesterday afternoon, my cousin Nicole and ex-boyfriend–now–just–friend Nathan, called and asked if we wanted a puppy. I said sure, and they came over to give us the pup, an adorable Labrador-Blue Heeler mix. He's all black with white feet (all four) and white markings on his face and chest. He's so mellow and cute. Only eight weeks old, he is a handful, super clingy like most puppies are when separated from the litter too soon. He's not housebroken yet, so we're working on that one...close watching is required to prevent him from doing things in the house. We were going to call him Jasper, but that didn't fit him. I went to my grandmother's house, and she suggested Cooper. It stuck. It's perfect for him. Plus, it's an awesome name. When I take him to the dog park and some hot guy asks what his name is, "Cooper" is extremely awesome. Thanks Granna!

Some of the bad things about him is that he isn't housebroken yet, he is teething so he's chewing on everything—seriously everything—he doesn't sleep through the night yet, and our cat, Sam, is freaking out. Our cat is a Siamese, but with an extremely amiable temperament. He's about eight years old and set in his ways. He is really upset about this new addition. He even vomited today on Mom's silk brocade bed spread. He's shedding profusely, and he won't come anywhere near Cooper. I feel horrible for him, and I've decided that if Sam doesn't adjust within the week, then we can't keep the puppy. :( Oh well, I don't know if I'll be in love with him so much if he doesn't learn to sleep through the night.

So I've got a pseudo-job. The company I drove for last Friday is hiring me on to help finish cleaning up the paint shop. It's not too difficult, and it pays thirteen bucks an hour. I really don't like blue collar labor, but you gotta do the icky stuff to get to do the fun stuff later on. Plus, I can take Cooper there, no problem, except that my supervisor has an adult dog that usually comes to work with him. I don't know how Cooper will react to the new dog; I may be keeping Coop in the car if he reacts badly since the other dog tends to like to bite.

Ah I went to my first class today. I have just one class on Monday, Sexual and Gender Minority Youth. My professor is nice, and she really has passion for LGBTQIAP issues. If any more letters get added to the acronym, it's going to be out of control—if it's not already. Heh. I'm taking the class so I know what's out there for me. I'm not a "youth" per se, but I am newly out and not sure where to start in the Portland queer scene. So this will help familiarize me with the LGBT youth community, which can lead to knowing more about the adult community. The Portland Q Center seems like a good resource, but there aren't many event's that sound particularly interesting. I don't do the drinking/partying scene so my options are kinda limited in Portland. If only I could find a place where the gay intellectuals are....

Well, Monday is over and I'm utterly exhausted. Yoga tonight was refreshing and relaxing, I felt like I could have kept on doing it for an hour or so. I'm just that tense. Strangely, I carry much of my tension in my abdomen and lower back.