party in...well I'm not really sure where, actually

Well another Monday has gone by and it was slightly good! I went to go see my counselor, whom I haven't seen for quite some time. It was a fruitful visit. We discussed how my mom and I are perhaps a bit too codependent on each other. I have experienced some unexplained anger toward her and we decided that perhaps Mom and I are a little too "enmeshed" as my counselor put it. I would have to agree. I think that what we have is wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better intervention when I was sixteen. But there comes a time when the birds must leave the nest. I do believe my time has come to make some important strides toward independence. The only problem with bringing it up to Mom is she always brings up money...and since I have none she supports me somewhat. I would love to be more financially independent but that's just not feasible at this point. I would really like to find a few clients for whom I can design some webpages and other business stuff for but that goal seems like it's getting further and further out of my grasp. I have a few clients in the works--one of whom doesn't have any semblance of a website which is actually quite unnerving simply because creating something from the ground up is quite difficult. However, I do feel adequate enough to take on the job even though I've only ever done very simple personal websites.

Well enough chit chat...I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

happy hump day!

So I am officially halfway through this dreadful week. My linguistics exam was muy fácil. So much so that I finished it in about 30 minutes. I was supposed to have finished a paper for my class tonight, but Mom and I finally got things resolved between us. We both had a good cry session last night when I should have been working on my homework. She said some pretty hurtful things, and it threw me off today.

Well, I asked for an extension on my paper, and I plan on having it done by Friday after I have taken my art history midterm, which may prove harder than my linguistics exam. I have three days from which to choose to do it, but when I begin the exam I will only have something like two hours to complete it. I hate timed exams because I always do poorly on them. I can't concentrate and having that time constraint makes my concentration wane even more.

As you know from a previous post, I had a little tantrum and broke my phone. Well, I ordered a new one online today. The enV. It's supposed to be the best phone Verizon has, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It's really kind of ugly, but it has a 2.0 megapixel camera instead of the standard 1.3 megapixel camera that most phones come with. It's kind of cool though because it flips open and has a full keyboard in the inside. It's going to take some getting used to, but in the end texting and posting stuff on the web should be substantially easier.

In other news, Cooper is doing well. The Australian cattle dog (blue heeler) part of him is getting the better of him, and he is starting to nip. So I'm trying to break him of that, but then it's like telling him not to breathe since that's what blue heelers were bred to do. He loves to chase me though. I can run around in a field forever and he would chase me, nipping of course. It's so crazy how much breeding has ingrained these instincts into the dogs. Some of the lab tendencies that he has are playing fetch (without training), lying on my lap, and constantly having to be near me. He is so attached to me. Mom says that when I leave him home with her that he whines for about five minutes...how sad!

Some bad habits he has are eating random things. He recently passed a penny, and Mom claims to have seen him eat some screws (let's hope they don't hurt him). The worst one is that he has acquired the taste of kitty poo. I catch him eating out the litter box all the time--one more thing to break him of. Another odd thing that he does is when it's raining, he will lick the ground to drink! You'd think we never fed or gave him water. I try to tell him that most of the water on the ground is contaminated with oil but, he won't listen to me. I tell him that eating rhododendrons is not too healthy but he insists on eating a bit of it every time I take him out. He's full of quirks and I'll have to post all of them in list form some time.

Well it's late and Coldplay is putting me to sleep. So I hope everyone's hump day went well. Cheers everyone!! There're only two more days this week then the weekend! YAAAYYYYYY!

Problems on the homefront

So there has been a wake of drama and problems at home in the past week. Some things have been said and done on both sides that are not right and may take a long time to heal if they aren't dealt with correctly or promptly. I feel bad for doing and saying some things, but the other involved party can't see past their issues either. I know that I need to make things right.

So you, my blogging friends, need to keep me accountable! I have some things I need to by the end of this week. And some things by the end of next week.

• Apply to 5 jobs a day Thursday and Friday.
• Finish all my back homework! And it's not as bad as I think it is....
• Call my counselor and make it current, even if he doesn't know how to deal with gay issues, he helps with other stuff.
• Get out and have some fun this weekend. I don't have money, but there's stuff to do around town that doesn't include having to pay!

To top off this fine evening I get back to my car only to find that it has been towed! So my grandparents are going to have to bail us out, and I'm going to have to go out to their place and work off the fee :( I can't believe I am such a dumbass. The problem with parking in a private lot is that it's never consistent as to when they will actually call and tow your car. It doesn't really make sense to tow your vehicle AFTER HOURS at a bank...but then when does life make sense. What I don't need is a few hundred dollar tow charge. Oh well. I'm sitting at the building from which it was towed, and all my old friends from the architecture department are walking by. How humiliating! Ugh. Lesson learned I suppose. And I got pissed tonight and threw and broke my phone. How smart of me. Another thing I can't afford right now is a new phone. RAZRs are shit, but they are on sale from Verizon with a new two -year contract (after paying the full $100 up front of course). Looks like my contract is up next month, so I'll be able to get a break on a new phone. And to top it all off, I am soaking wet from walking through torrents of rain downtown...my suede shoes are soaked and ruined. I hate Oregon...

Looks like like just isn't going my way at the moment. I hope that it will get better--it always does--but when the shit hits the fan, it makes the biggest mess ever! Hope everyone else's hump day went slightly better....slightly. Heh heh....

I can't get away

And I desperately need to. Among taking care of Cooper, my recovering mother, and starting my homework, I am stretched too thin. Cooper is easy, I can just take him for a long walk and he will play for a while and sleep. The only problem is that he will wake up in about two hours to have to go out. Speaking of which, I was extremely exhausted last night, when I got up with Cooper this morning to take him out he just went out to pee, which is normal. Then I sat on the couch to wait for him to eat some and take him out again. The problem this morning is that I fell asleep before I could take him out a second time, so he ended up pooping like two tons in the house. I woke up to that smell burning my nose, reluctantly disciplined him (I don't understand why he won't whine at me if I'm not paying attention), and took him out. I decided I would have no more of that so I put him in his kennel, while I dozed off again.

Soon enough Mom came downstairs, apologizing for her crappy attitude last night. But I guess I should start from the beginning...So she came home Thursday, the day after her surgery. Everything seemed to go well, she was very tired but otherwise okay. I went to class on Thursday in the evening. But I met a friend whom I hadn't seen for quite some time, and we had dinner. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't go to my second class. I don't really enjoy going to art history, so I don't feel bad about skipping, especially since I am well beyond the class. Anyway, I digress. All is well with her, she received a call from her doctor saying that she is officially CANCER FREE!!!! So that was very good news. But good news or not, being cooped up in the house (and the hospital) with her for five straight days is a bit much for anyone to handle. She already has much to say about my life, though I am trying my damnedest to free myself even just a little from her smothering. Now I know I am just growing up, but I've had several people say the same thing. She has too deep a hold in my life; she affects nearly every action I take. While I would like to move out on my own, I can't afford it at the moment. That being said, living at home is quite cheap, and I plan on living cheap for some time. Until then, however, I must remind her that it is my life and that she doesn't have much to say about it unless it affects her directly, in which case I will gladly concede or find a compromise.

Now to start my homework, which always seems so daunting until I actually start it. Then it is really quite easy, but the problem with it being so easy is that I get bored quickly. I just can't get too happy, can I?

A long, long day.

8:45 am Well I’m stuck in the hospital with no WiFi, and I’m writing this in Word. I down eating breakfast in the new cafeteria, which isn’t any better than the old one. I’m eating overcooked oatmeal and a nice fruit bowl. I’m also drinking a diet Pepsi, which is likely going to make me even sleepier than I already am. In fact, I’m going to lie down here on the banquette and sleep. Gran should wake me up when I need to get up...

12:15 pm Well, awesome news! The tumor is officially out, and everything looks good. I hate not being able to post this right away, but this is fine that I can still type it up while it’s still fresh. The surgeon said the tumor was the size of his fist (he has surgeon’s hands). He also said the pathology report was unclear. It is still inconclusive about whether the tumor is benign or malignant, but we should know for sure next week, when she has per first post-op appointment.

1:30 pm A pair of genderqueer persons came into the surgery waiting room. My grandpa was up at the counter when they were checking in. He came back over, saying, “Look at those boys!” obviously a bit excited that he had found these strange looking “boys.” I saw them and instantly could tell they were born to the assigned female sex, and I could also tell they were very androgynous, fitting neither gender slot, but rather what is known as “genderqueer.” I said that and my grandparents didn’t understand how someone can be neither gender…sigh. I think it’s wonderful that these two individuals are brave enough to be out in the world and proud of their chosen genders.

3:30 pm I finally got to go to Mom’s room, 129B, at around two. It’s a shared room, but the other person left and Mom requested to have a room alone so they said they will put this room last on the list to fill with a new patient…who knows how long that will last. I took Cooper out, who has been a trooper this week, having to spend all day Monday and all day today in the car in his kennel. So I took him out for a long walk and to play ball. He loves to play ball, inside or out, and he is so good because he will always bring back the ball (or the stick—his favorite). I feel bad for the mutt, but he’s being a trooper. Cooper the trooper…maybe a paratrooper. I don’t think he’s going to be skydiving anytime soon though. :) For now she is pain free and sleeping comfortably. I think I can make it awake through most of the night; although Gran is trying to wrestle me for the night here. I think we can talk about after class gets out, which should be interesting since I am completely exhausted.

6:30 pm I’m out of class early. My prof isn’t feeling well so she decided to let us to the rally for the same sex domestic partnership law, which was banned by an out-of-state before it could come into effect January 1. So people are headed down there to help rally for equal rights for all. If only we could get marriage ratified… I have a lot to do tonight. So perhaps it is good that I am out of class early and that I’m going to be up all night. I utterly exhausted because I slept so poorly today, but I should be able to recover by the time the weekend is over. Mom is talking softly and she can swallow light food like Jell-O. I’m headed back to the hospital, where I don’t have Internet connectivity. Why on earth would a hospital not have a public WiFi connection? Someone please explain that. Cheers to all and sorry for such a long post. A lot happened today.

A steady weekend for a very unsteady week to come

The weekend was somewhat restful. I got some rest in, some homework done, and some time with Josh. The weekend was rather restful, but the coming week is going to be hell. So tomorrow, I have to get ready for court. I am supposed to go before the judge at 1:00 pm in Aberdeen, Washington. If you pray please do so at that time PST. I don't know what to expect except what I have seen on Law and Order, but then that's a bit of a false pretense. I know that it won't be so difficult, and I'm hoping that the cop who wrote my ticket isn't there, because if that's the case they will throw out my case (and I'll be forever grateful).

Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.

On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...

Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.

All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...

Saturday Madness

So I've decided that my family are all a bunch of wackos. I went to my grandparents'/great-grandfather's/great-aunt's place yesterday to pick up my cousins to take them to OMSI for the day. My grandparents and great-aunt were going to a boys basketball game, and they asked my mom and I to come feed my great-grandfather dinner and check on him when we got back from OMSI. The only problem with that is that we weren't going to get back from the museum until six or seven, and he likes to eat at four or five. Well, my mom went in to talk to my sometimes-crazy great aunt. It so happens that she was in one of her bad moods...she yelled at Mom and said she was staying home to take care of great-grandpa. Seriously, Mom hadn't even said anything but "hi" and "Cybil" snapped at her...anyhoo, that's boring but there's more...

So my grandfather, who is normally very levelheaded, is being a jerk now too. To be fair, I think this all started when I left the coat he gave me (a company coat, bright blue and emblazoned with the company logo) at his house after Christmas, I had every intention of giving it back nicely and saying I wanted to donate it to one of his employees. Instead, I got the call a few days after Christmas, asking why I had left the coat there, and I (nicely) told him the above story. Well he got all mad and got off the phone quickly. So I think I hurt his feelings really badly. But the drama continues: I get a call from him yesterday morning, which I didn't answer--we were going to be there in a couple hours so I didn't feel like talking on the phone. He was calling I was sure about me working at the farm, cleaning up and making it pretty around the redneck trashed place. So basically that's been my job (which I've been looking to replace for some time now). I told him last week that I was done working out there, but I'm not sure he listened. So he's been angry wuith me for not going out there to work. So Saturday when I showed up to pick up the girls, he called me into the barn to talk. He asked where I was and why I wasn't there to work. And I said I was looking for work elsewhere and I reminded him that I was not working for him anymore. But in regular grandpa fashion he got mad and had to lecture me about work ethic and how if I don't have any it makes me less of a man. Yada, yada, yada... I decided I didn't need to be lectured like a 12 year old, I said so, and I left. He was calling me "chicken shit" among other things as I walked out, but I've decided I'm not going to be treated like property anymore. I know he loves me, but he can get super controlling in certain situations (they are many). I can take him in small doses, but his being a workaholic stresses his wife out, and granna likes it sometime I think, but that's a story for another day.

But in good news! I went to OMSI yesterday and I had fun. I'm not sure if the munchkins liked it, I think they had fun some of the time. The mechanics room was fun, and we dissected owl pellets (there was a cute guy there!). It was super fun, but they closed and we had to go home. We went to get pizza for dinner, and we rented Ratatouille, which was super cute. I love Pixar/Disney films, and this one was no disappointment. We got the girls to calm down after a long day, and we got them to go to sleep. It just tells me that I can have kids someday. I had a blast, and I would do it again anytime.

Let's see the weather is nice today and we may go hiking. Have a wonderful Sunday!

Have yourself a merry f*&@ing Christmas

So Christmas was intense. I was at family and while family should be fun and relaxing, I couldn't help be feel the need to drink alcohol. But I'm on an antibiotic that will make me have some kind of reaction...I have no idea what will happen, but I decided not to risk it. So I had to suffer through the holiday unaided by alchy, which may be good in the end.

The day started wonderfully, my mother and I got up around nine o'clock and opened gifts, I got some really cute stuff from Banana Republic, and a pea coat that is a bit large for me from Old Navy. So I'm taking the coat back to exchange for a medium which may end up being to big for me by next winter if I'm down to my slim goal of 145 pounds. After our morning fun of dancing around the house on a sugar high from my delicious monkey bread (I'll put the recipe at the end of the post), we headed out to the grandparents' place. We took the turkey to my great-grandfather's/great aunt's house to bake in the double oven, and baked Mom's most delicious turkey yet. And we went to go to my grandparents' place, where the television was about 120 decibels and everyone was yelling to talk over the TV. We had Christmas dinner around five o'clock. And I was proud of myself for just having the seven-layer salad and a dessert jell-o salad for dinner. The thought of the very rare prime rib and the (even good) turkey dinner was too much for my nearly vegetarian stomach to tolerate. After dinner we opened gifts, and then we played Catch Phrase. During the day however, there was a lot of tension in the grandparents' house. I felt like I had to be on guard in case an argument broke out, which thankfully it didn't. Nevertheless, no one should have to feel that way on a holiday around family...sigh....

So I am deciding to divulge my life story over the next few weeks. I want to write an autobiography, mainly because I have been through so much in the past 22 years of my short life. And that stuff may help other teens who may be going through similar times.

Oh here is the monkey bread recipe.

2 cans of Grands biscuits (flaky are the best)
A stick of butter (not margarine)
About a half-cup of brown sugar
About a half-cup of granulated white sugar
Ground cinnamon
Granulated nutmeg
Bundt/angel food cake pan

Preheat oven to 375 deg F

Mix sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a small bowl and set aside.

Take biscuits out of the can and cut into quarters. Roll the quarters in the sugar/cinnamon mix.

Spray the Bundt pan with an anti-stick spray, and cut 1-3 teaspoon chunks of butter and put in the Bundt pan with brown sugar.

Layer coated buscuit quarters in the Bundt pan with brown sugar and butter.

Bake at 375 deg F for 30 minutes or until the top of the bread is medium-golden brown. Remove from the oven, and turn over on a plate/platter. Allow to cool for a few minutes uncovered. Slice it up or just enjoy taking pieces of bread from the loaf.

I know this isn't very figure friendly, but it's okay to splurge on Christmas :D