Something is not right...

So I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been sleeping for ten or more hours at night. I don't know if it's because of a drug interaction or what, but my medications have not changed, only when I take them. Maybe I need to go back to taking certain meds in the morning and leaving the night free for taking the sleep aid...

I can't get away

And I desperately need to. Among taking care of Cooper, my recovering mother, and starting my homework, I am stretched too thin. Cooper is easy, I can just take him for a long walk and he will play for a while and sleep. The only problem is that he will wake up in about two hours to have to go out. Speaking of which, I was extremely exhausted last night, when I got up with Cooper this morning to take him out he just went out to pee, which is normal. Then I sat on the couch to wait for him to eat some and take him out again. The problem this morning is that I fell asleep before I could take him out a second time, so he ended up pooping like two tons in the house. I woke up to that smell burning my nose, reluctantly disciplined him (I don't understand why he won't whine at me if I'm not paying attention), and took him out. I decided I would have no more of that so I put him in his kennel, while I dozed off again.

Soon enough Mom came downstairs, apologizing for her crappy attitude last night. But I guess I should start from the beginning...So she came home Thursday, the day after her surgery. Everything seemed to go well, she was very tired but otherwise okay. I went to class on Thursday in the evening. But I met a friend whom I hadn't seen for quite some time, and we had dinner. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't go to my second class. I don't really enjoy going to art history, so I don't feel bad about skipping, especially since I am well beyond the class. Anyway, I digress. All is well with her, she received a call from her doctor saying that she is officially CANCER FREE!!!! So that was very good news. But good news or not, being cooped up in the house (and the hospital) with her for five straight days is a bit much for anyone to handle. She already has much to say about my life, though I am trying my damnedest to free myself even just a little from her smothering. Now I know I am just growing up, but I've had several people say the same thing. She has too deep a hold in my life; she affects nearly every action I take. While I would like to move out on my own, I can't afford it at the moment. That being said, living at home is quite cheap, and I plan on living cheap for some time. Until then, however, I must remind her that it is my life and that she doesn't have much to say about it unless it affects her directly, in which case I will gladly concede or find a compromise.

Now to start my homework, which always seems so daunting until I actually start it. Then it is really quite easy, but the problem with it being so easy is that I get bored quickly. I just can't get too happy, can I?

A long, long day.

8:45 am Well I’m stuck in the hospital with no WiFi, and I’m writing this in Word. I down eating breakfast in the new cafeteria, which isn’t any better than the old one. I’m eating overcooked oatmeal and a nice fruit bowl. I’m also drinking a diet Pepsi, which is likely going to make me even sleepier than I already am. In fact, I’m going to lie down here on the banquette and sleep. Gran should wake me up when I need to get up...

12:15 pm Well, awesome news! The tumor is officially out, and everything looks good. I hate not being able to post this right away, but this is fine that I can still type it up while it’s still fresh. The surgeon said the tumor was the size of his fist (he has surgeon’s hands). He also said the pathology report was unclear. It is still inconclusive about whether the tumor is benign or malignant, but we should know for sure next week, when she has per first post-op appointment.

1:30 pm A pair of genderqueer persons came into the surgery waiting room. My grandpa was up at the counter when they were checking in. He came back over, saying, “Look at those boys!” obviously a bit excited that he had found these strange looking “boys.” I saw them and instantly could tell they were born to the assigned female sex, and I could also tell they were very androgynous, fitting neither gender slot, but rather what is known as “genderqueer.” I said that and my grandparents didn’t understand how someone can be neither gender…sigh. I think it’s wonderful that these two individuals are brave enough to be out in the world and proud of their chosen genders.

3:30 pm I finally got to go to Mom’s room, 129B, at around two. It’s a shared room, but the other person left and Mom requested to have a room alone so they said they will put this room last on the list to fill with a new patient…who knows how long that will last. I took Cooper out, who has been a trooper this week, having to spend all day Monday and all day today in the car in his kennel. So I took him out for a long walk and to play ball. He loves to play ball, inside or out, and he is so good because he will always bring back the ball (or the stick—his favorite). I feel bad for the mutt, but he’s being a trooper. Cooper the trooper…maybe a paratrooper. I don’t think he’s going to be skydiving anytime soon though. :) For now she is pain free and sleeping comfortably. I think I can make it awake through most of the night; although Gran is trying to wrestle me for the night here. I think we can talk about after class gets out, which should be interesting since I am completely exhausted.

6:30 pm I’m out of class early. My prof isn’t feeling well so she decided to let us to the rally for the same sex domestic partnership law, which was banned by an out-of-state before it could come into effect January 1. So people are headed down there to help rally for equal rights for all. If only we could get marriage ratified… I have a lot to do tonight. So perhaps it is good that I am out of class early and that I’m going to be up all night. I utterly exhausted because I slept so poorly today, but I should be able to recover by the time the weekend is over. Mom is talking softly and she can swallow light food like Jell-O. I’m headed back to the hospital, where I don’t have Internet connectivity. Why on earth would a hospital not have a public WiFi connection? Someone please explain that. Cheers to all and sorry for such a long post. A lot happened today.

A steady weekend for a very unsteady week to come

The weekend was somewhat restful. I got some rest in, some homework done, and some time with Josh. The weekend was rather restful, but the coming week is going to be hell. So tomorrow, I have to get ready for court. I am supposed to go before the judge at 1:00 pm in Aberdeen, Washington. If you pray please do so at that time PST. I don't know what to expect except what I have seen on Law and Order, but then that's a bit of a false pretense. I know that it won't be so difficult, and I'm hoping that the cop who wrote my ticket isn't there, because if that's the case they will throw out my case (and I'll be forever grateful).

Also this week my mom is going in for surgery to have a (we hope) benign tumor removed from her neck. She has had a hell of a time with this thing and we both will be extremely happy that it will be gone. One very possible risk is vocal cord damage. Since she's a singer, that can pose a serious problem to her creative outlet. So Wednesday morning at 8:00 am please keep her in her thoughts and prayers.

On top of all this I still must attend classes and do my homework, which wouldn't be a problem except that Cooper is driving me insane. I absolutely adore him, but he is just too much a commitment for me at the moment. He's adorable and very lovable, but he can be quite annoying since he doesn't sleep though the night yet and he has to be taken out about once every 30 minutes or else he pisses on the floor. I know as he grows he'll get better (he's only 11 weeks as of today), but the process of him growing larger and more adultlike is almost too much for me to handle right now. It's not fair for him for me to not be able to give him my full attention like he needs. He's almost kennel trained, and nearly housebroken (except that I must watch him all the time because he won't always tell me he needs to go out). He can be most annoying at night because he doesn't sleep though the night yet. It makes my sleep patterns a bit erratic, which my doctor tells me is bad for my mental state (and I agree). It's almost like taking care of a child, except the dog will always be reliant on me for everything. Ugh...

Also, I've decided to take a different turn with Josh. More to come on that, but not until I have discussed it with him. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't share more here without his permission, but let's just say it's not what either of us was expecting.

All right it's extremely late, and I have to be up in less than four hours. What a way to go in to my court session....sigh...

Another day, another day...

Now I am actually in a good mood, even though my title seems a little down. I have a LOT going on right now, so I'm really overwhelmed. Two weeks ago, winter term at Portland State began. Also that week I got a new puppy. I was dealing with my newly acquired tickets from Aberdeen, and mentally preparing for my Monday court date. In addition, my mom's health is getting worse, and she is becoming increasingly worried as her surgery next Wednesday approaches (though I can't say I'm not worried, I tend to internalize it while she vocalizes which makes me think about it more often).

More pointedly, I recently acquired a new man. He is amazing, even though he doesn't see it. I am exploring myself in new ways that I've never felt. I like it, but there are parts that confuse me. I am going to talk to him more about some key issues. I think we need to talk about some issues before we both become too attached--and we're both very attached as it is.

So there is a lot of stress when there shouldn't be. Well, it's well past midnight and I may just sleep on the couch because I'm trying to kennel train Cooper, and I may not hear him cry out if he needs to go out tonight. Who knew puppies were so demanding and stressful....and expensive, but that's another story for another day. Another day...

I forgot that I have a doctor appointment today!

OMG! I have a doctor appointment with my GI surgeon! Yes I'm only 22 but I have had two major surgeries. So I have to go talk with my doctor about an ongoing infection, which seems to have cleared up! So I may call and say I'm good! No sign of infection, although I would like to ask about having anal sex. Arg. Well I may as well explain my disease/surgeries....

So when I was a senior in high school (2002), I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease that affects the large intestine and may be controlled by certain medications. I was sent to OHSU Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland. People can say what they want about OHSU, but they saved my life. Well I lived with UC for about two years before my doctor said enough. I couldn't get it to go into remission. I was having episodes of uncontrollable bowel movements. I would go to classes during the day and come home at night and go to sleep because it was draining me of all energy. I was having BMs upwards of 20 times a day, and any sleep I did get was interrupted by urgent BMs. The excruciating pain was crippling much of the time; I would often spend hours doubled over in the bathroom, groaning from it. The stress of the disease and school and everything else going on in my life was too much, so I was referred to a surgeon to have my colon removed.

I won't detail the surgery too much, but they made a 10-inch incision in my abdomen and took out five feet of my body that I don't miss. They made a temporary ileostomy, and also a j-pouch. After 3 months I went back for another surgery to reconnect my abdominal opening with my j-pouch (this link will take you to a resource for people with ileo-anal pouches). Now I have bowel movements like any other person except they aren't solid--since that's what the large intestine does, removes water from the poo--and more often than normal, about 4-6 times per day. So my only issue is potassium and sodium levels (both very important in brain and nerve function) in my body and hydration.

Since I have come out of the closet, I have wanted to experiment with anal sex, and I want to ask my doctor about her recommendations. I have a feeling that she will say no way no how, because all the literature I have found says it's not recommended. Apparently the tissue isn't the same as with a normal butt hole. Damn looks like I'm not going to have that option. Eek! I'll just have to do without...which is just fine! Well cheers. Off to have another fun filled day!

I need a new therapist...

So about a year ago I has having some psychotic issues. I had some hallucinations of people calling my name and seeing some flashes of people in the corner of my eye. Well that freaked out my doctor, especially since I have a biological disposition to schizophrenia because my birth mother has it. So he put me on a mood stabilizer, but I gained about 25 pounds in just a few weeks. So rather than mess with my physical health, I went to see a psychiatrist (whom I loathed) who prescribed two mood stabilizers, but they made me super tired all the time. At the same time, I started going to see a therapist, who shall remain nameless, who was great. He convinced me of my gayness--YAY!-- and I worked out some of my issues. But as soon as I figured out I was gay I felt like I was done with therapy. That was in May 2007.

Fast forward to September: I had been playing World of Warcraft for four solid months, and in September I hit rock bottom. I had lost all interest in life, and I was obsessed with WoW. Like seriously obsessed. It wasn't even enjoyable anymore, but I was simply playing to pass the time. So I decided to help myself and go back to therapy. Well the first stop was going to my doctor, which had changed since the last time because my clinic seems to have revolving doctors. But this time I got a great doctor, who prescribed a good medication for me. It seemed to perk me up a bit. Gah I know this is super private but it's needed for you to understand the rest of the story..

Well I'm in the same place as before. I don't want to go back to him...I think I've reached the end of what he can provide for me in a counselor. But we'll see. I need to find a gay male counselor or a female who knows her shit. I'm tired of going week after week, and not progressing. He's a cool guy and I like to talk with him, but having a conversation is not the same as getting some counseling shit done...oh well.

More to come on all types of news. My life seems to have begun again. I'm out to search for a job here soon.

Blogging Nightmare!!!!!

when blogging attacks!!!

Well I seem to be a lil addicted to blogging. It's no use though because no one reads my shit. I like the anonymity, because no one knows who Nathan Garvison is. But if you Google me, I'm the only one out there. :) So here it is...I'm so happy right now about some things in my life, but other parts of my life are a bit overwhelming and I've tried a few blogs before and my myspace.com blog is somewhat successful, but I don't write there often enough. I think I may start posting my blogs in both places, so that both my friends and random strangers can view and comment on my thoughts.

So my mom, whom I love and adore with all my heart, who will also not be reading this blog, does this thing in her classes (she is a high school English teacher) she calls a "wellness circle." What she has her students do it sit in a circle in the classroom, and each student says on thing in his/her life that is going well and one that is not going so well--hence wellness circle. Well as it were I am going to do that in this entry. So something going well in my life is my confidence in my sexuality. Yes I'm trying my damnedest to justify it in this blog but no more! I am looking to find a boy friend, I'm going to go out this weekend and find a place in Portland where it's not just about drag and the über party scene. I want the gay intellectual scene, the sometimes quiet but fun smart people who talk about current events and happenings in the world. Someone who can understand what I'm talking about. But beyond that, I'm feeling more confident in my sexuality.

Well now for something that's going poorly...well I can't seem to get a hold of anything else in my life. I want to get a job, but I get thwarted. I suppose going and dropping off a résumé isn't quite enough. ;) So today if I have time I am going to go downtown to drop off my résumé and actually do follow up calls...sigh. Well here goes...

I need to put myself out there. Becoming independent is one of the most important things I want to do and getting off my ass and getting out there is so vital to achieve this very real goal I have. Grrrrrrr!!! I feel kinda sexy right now. I'm so fat (about 40 pounds overweight) right now though. I went to the doctor yesterday to check to see if my new medication regimen is working...well it's better than last week, but things aren't much better. I'm working on it, but it is hard to get motivated. Ugh. Life is a bitch, but I've got to get out there! I'm working on my weight issues too. I've lost 5 pounds in a week, now I know that's unhealthy, but I figure 2-3 pounds a week and I'll be down to a healthy weight in just a few months. So you figure I'm at 188 now to be about 140-5 by March, I'll be pretty good. So I'm looking to be super healthy in my eating and lifestyle. I think next term I'm going to take a yoga class. So I think I'll be the healthiest in my life by the time I go to Eugene to go to school.

It's taken me two days to complete this blog entry...and I have more to bitch about. Arg.