well i've done it...

I broke my computer. Not on purpose of course, but I dropped my laptop, which I carry with me everywhere. Normally it's not a problem, except that I sometimes can be careless with it. I set it down a bit too hard once this weekend and thus cracked my monitor. So the whole bottom third of the screen is permanently white and some "dead" pixel spots (black or permanently RGB) keep developing on the top two thirds of the monitor. I am devastated. I use my computer all the time for everything. It's basically my life. So maybe this is good and it will help break me from the unhealthy bond with a machine....haha.

Well I thought that this would be a good opportunity to get a new MacBook Pro, but that hunk of aluminum costs over three thousand bucks. I can get a new screen for my laptop for under two fifty on eBay. Weighing the costs, I think that getting a new screen for my laptop (and finding somewhere to recycle my current monitor which contains mercury and arsenic, as all LCDs with fluorescent backlights have in them). So with that in mind, I go into the next month mindful of the fact that I must come up with money for bills and money for a new computer screen. Things just don't seem to go well for me. I don't know where I picked up this bad karma. Oh well, let's hope I can set it right here soon.

and another week!

Well, I made it through week seven out of ten! So there are just three more weeks until finals week and then spring break. I will have an online final for art history and a final for linguistics. We will be done in my sexual minorities youth during week ten, so that'll be done before then. Whew!

Well my week went by pretty blah. I went to all my classes that I wanted to. I didn't go on Thursday because I had the worst allergies. I had horrible allergies today also. I have been sleeping for ten or more hours a night....er day...I'd wake up early to take the dog out, put him in his kennel. Then, I would fall asleep for another few hours and wake up with a raging headache. Decidedly the past two days haven't been pleasant, but it could have been worse.

In some good news, I got a "D" on my art history exam because I ran out of time to complete it. Well I emailed my professor before she graded the exams explaining that I have ADD pretty bad and that it affects how I take exams (especially timed ones), and she finally got back to me after the exams were graded. I was kinda depressed after I got the grade on Tuesday night, but come Thursday she emailed me and said it was reset for Saturday all day (for 90 minutes again). But it gets even better. She said that if I didn't have enough time to finish the comparative essays online that I could bring her a paper copy to class on Tuesday. Wow, if you ask for a little bit, it seems that it works out in the long run. ADD really is detrimental to my grades (and my SAT scores), but because it is not medically diagnosed, I can't go through the Disability Resource Center on campus. But professors are generally more than accommodating when it comes to such matters, so it's just a matter of asking.

feeling off and I can't figure out why

You know how you just have off days? Well, today is one of those days for me. It could be because it's hump day...gotta love the humps... :D

On a positive note, I spied a super hot guy on my way to the library today. Too bad I think he was straight. :-\

I can't decide...

I really enjoy having Cooper...sometimes. And at other times he's more trouble than the pleasure he gives. I like taking him for walks, but it seems that no matter how long I take him out, he always has to go out every fifteen minutes or so. I usually end up putting him in his kennel or else I get annoyed with him because I can't get anything done. I end up taking all my time just to focus on the mangy mutt that won't hold still but for a few seconds at a time. I take him out running, and he just won't hold still--even though he's extremely exhausted. I don't know what to do. Should I keep him? Or should I send him elsewhere where it might be better for him to get out of the puppy stage (labs tend to have a two-year puppy stage)? I'm still torn on what to do. It just seems like no matter what I do to try to like this poor guy, he just can't live up to my expectations or something....maybe I'm not a dog person after all...

After-breakup blues

No one warned me that even after you willingly end something with someone that you will miss that person, even if you don't necessarily want to be with him. So for those of you breaking up for the first time (and I seem to be a late bloomer...), it's not easy for either of you. I miss talking to someone everyday. I know we were way too clingy way too fast--part of that my fault because I don't quite know what to do with him. When do I chat? Leave him alone? Talk on the phone? Chat online? How often? All these kinds of questions that straight people figure out in middle school and high school.

The whole world of gay dating is so fucked up because we have people who don't know how to date because we don't have any good media examples of it. And growing up we can't look to our peers for help in how to interact romantically. Another part of the problem is that men are pigs (gay or straight), and any opportunity we can have our dicks stimulated we seem to jump at it. Straight guys tend to have it easier because women seem to have more restraint, though definitely not all of them. So I'm new to the gay dating world, where it's not just getting a piece of ass. And my first experience was a little bit rocky. But that's okay because I have to first-gay-date jitters out of the way. People tend to be freaked out if you haven't had any boyfriends in the past. So if you're comfortable with being my second BF please let me know! (LOL just kidding...)

So if anyone knows where to find gays in Portland without having to go to clubs, please let me know. I want some fun and friendship. I want to know someone before I commit to anything. I learned my lesson the hard way last time...

Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.

Coming up and out...without meaning to

I was thirteen years old. I was becoming aware of my sexuality slowly before, but it started to pick up as middle school progressed. I started to look at pictures of shirtless men—I even had a little collection of pictures cut from magazines. I also wrote little erotic stories about experiences with other men. I had dreams about men.

I didn’t know it was considered wrong by anyone at the time…until my stepmom found a story I had written. I don’t remember what it was about, but it was fairly explicit. I got home from school one day, and my parents called me down to their bedroom. This was what happened if ever any of us children were in trouble. I wondered what I had done, but it seemed like something new every week. I walked timidly into their room, not knowing what to expect. There, sitting on their dresser was the story I had left on my night stand. My stepmom (who later turned out to be crazy) looked at me with utter disdain; my dad looked ashamed and quiet like he did when he was especially angry about something. They asked me about the story, which included some explicit sexual acts. I didn’t know what to say since I was utterly shocked that there was a problem with what I had written. I just had to deny having such feelings or desires and say that it was something that I maybe wanted to try but wouldn’t ever go through with it.

I think this experience resulted in sexual trauma and caused me to shove my sexuality so deep inside that I denied it until very recently. Living with right-wing conservatives parents put me so deep in the closet that it caused much trauma to pull it out nearly ten years later. Teens need a healthy outlet, and living in a small town in Oregon did not help that. My community was very antigay, and I was always teased for being a “fag” or gay. I didn’t know what that was; I just knew that I liked boys. While I was closeted, I developed homophobic attitudes based on my parents’ attitudes. The very idea of being gay scared me to the point of developing a hatred of other gays. But gay guys at school fascinated me. It took a long time to accept who I was. I had to come to terms with my Christian beliefs, and it took a few years to come out to myself, then to select others, and then to everyone.

Coming out after repressing one’s homo/bisexuality is a long process. Experiencing trauma as a young teen, whether from peers or important adults, causes a lot of pain attached to whatever one was teased about or punished for. Getting over that is key to any person why wants to come out as LGBTQ. More and more youth are getting brave enough to come out to their loved ones, sometimes to great pain. But in the end, coming out is much healthier than repressing it for your whole life. From one previously closeted homo: don’t put it off; I’m the happiest I’ve been since my younger years.

weekends that aren't long enough

I had to do homework all weekend, but at least I got much of my homework done for the week. Tomorrow, I'm going to knock out my linguistics homework and a reflection for gender/sexual minority youth. This week's reflection can be on anything, so I'm going to write about the time my stepmom-at-the-time found a gay erotic story I wrote...at age 13! I had forgotten about this little bit until recently, but it's funny I'll post it here also.

School is never ending. It is eternally taxing on my nerves, which is why I'm burned out it. I thought the tension from this past week was giving me a constant headache, but it actually turned out that I needed to wear my glasses with how much I have been working on my computer these days. Well it's turned out to help quite a bit!

Well I must be getting to bed. Early day tomorrow...I took a while to write this since it's nearly 1:00 AM!

Broken Hearts and Bad Movies

Not quite what I was expecting just a few days ago. I've been questioning a few things in my life. School. Me. Josh. Me and Josh. Cooper. Living at home.

Well school is easy. I have 20 courses to take to finish an art degree in any focus. Woot gogo fine arts. It's just a lot of studio time....

Me...well, lately I've been attached to Josh at the hip. This was a bit unhealthy because I didn't allow myself to get away to think. Well that opportunity came up this week. Unfortunately for both of us, I came to the conclusion that perhaps we weren't meant to be with each other. However, my timing couldn't have been worse. I decided to break up the day after Valentine's Day. Well it was a stressful end to an extremely sressful and stress-full week. Now that I've had some time to reflect, though, I know it was best for both of us. I was sad last night, and very tired from the stress. I think he took it well, but you never really know for sure. His blog suggests that he wasn't all that connected with me, but I beg to differ. No falling in love with someone only after knowing them for two weeks...

On another note, Cooper is being a total pooper. He is not being a good puppy anymore. He's lost his manners, won't come when he's called, eats the cat's poop, barks at and bites me. Obedience school needs to be worked into my budget for next term...little bugger. Maybe Lewis and I can take both puppies to obedience school. :p

And while living at home can seriously affect my dating abilities, sometimes having her around can be a good thing. Like telling me when something isn't right. That's what friends are for too, as I discovered Thursday evening. Honest, real friends are what you need most. But anyway, living at home is cheap so I like that part of it.

Happy VD!

So make sure you practice safe sex!

So for Valentine's Day I did nothing special. I stayed home all morning and did some homework and played some World of Warcraft. I went to linguistics tonight and the professor, who has a PhD in linguistics, didn't know what he was talking about. He told people that it was hard to find a preposition in a sentence...now as a professor, you can't tell your students that anything is hard because it puts them in a state of mind to think negatively. After that miserable class ended, we (Mom came with me to class tonight) went to my second class, art history, which turned out to be canceled. Well I had dinner scheduled with a very good old friend, so I went up to get her from where she was doing homework. We went to this good sushi place right on campus. Yum, I love sushi! Sushi is sooooo good. I would eat sushi every day if I could afford it.

So in the past few days, I have had some time to think about my life. I want to spread my wings and fly, and staying in Portland is not good for me--at least for now. Spending time with my friend tonight, who is from New Jersey, made me realize that I really don't like many Portlanders. So many of them are "squishy" for lack of a better term. What I mean by that is that I like the brusque feeling I get from people from the east coast. They are straight to the point and don't mince words! I like that, and generally people who say what is on their mind are the most appealing to me. So many people in Portland aren't like that. The other thing I don't like about Portland is that there is no culture in the sense of a big city type. There are usually only a few shows going on downtown at any given time. While in New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and other big cities have stuff like that going on ALL the time. There's so much to do, but of course it all costs money. Luckily the job I'm looking for, either architecture or graphic design, will pay well in a bigger city. I'm tired of it being one in the morning and being buzzed and not being able to go out and have a good time! I live for late nights. And sadly, Portland does not promote the late night thang. I think it's because Portland is filled with a bunch of homebodies. Homes are bigger and the weather sucks, so people generally like to stay in--and I'm one of those people. I can't walk the half mile to the bus in sideways rain without my Wellies and a rubber coat. Gross. I would rather have it snow and actually be bright because the snow reflects the light. Rain = drab, dark days. All in all, the weather leads me to be depressed even more in the winter.

Well that's just a little bit of what I've processed in the past two days. I think I may share more tomorrow. I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow; wish me luck!

happy hump day!

So I am officially halfway through this dreadful week. My linguistics exam was muy fácil. So much so that I finished it in about 30 minutes. I was supposed to have finished a paper for my class tonight, but Mom and I finally got things resolved between us. We both had a good cry session last night when I should have been working on my homework. She said some pretty hurtful things, and it threw me off today.

Well, I asked for an extension on my paper, and I plan on having it done by Friday after I have taken my art history midterm, which may prove harder than my linguistics exam. I have three days from which to choose to do it, but when I begin the exam I will only have something like two hours to complete it. I hate timed exams because I always do poorly on them. I can't concentrate and having that time constraint makes my concentration wane even more.

As you know from a previous post, I had a little tantrum and broke my phone. Well, I ordered a new one online today. The enV. It's supposed to be the best phone Verizon has, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It's really kind of ugly, but it has a 2.0 megapixel camera instead of the standard 1.3 megapixel camera that most phones come with. It's kind of cool though because it flips open and has a full keyboard in the inside. It's going to take some getting used to, but in the end texting and posting stuff on the web should be substantially easier.

In other news, Cooper is doing well. The Australian cattle dog (blue heeler) part of him is getting the better of him, and he is starting to nip. So I'm trying to break him of that, but then it's like telling him not to breathe since that's what blue heelers were bred to do. He loves to chase me though. I can run around in a field forever and he would chase me, nipping of course. It's so crazy how much breeding has ingrained these instincts into the dogs. Some of the lab tendencies that he has are playing fetch (without training), lying on my lap, and constantly having to be near me. He is so attached to me. Mom says that when I leave him home with her that he whines for about five minutes...how sad!

Some bad habits he has are eating random things. He recently passed a penny, and Mom claims to have seen him eat some screws (let's hope they don't hurt him). The worst one is that he has acquired the taste of kitty poo. I catch him eating out the litter box all the time--one more thing to break him of. Another odd thing that he does is when it's raining, he will lick the ground to drink! You'd think we never fed or gave him water. I try to tell him that most of the water on the ground is contaminated with oil but, he won't listen to me. I tell him that eating rhododendrons is not too healthy but he insists on eating a bit of it every time I take him out. He's full of quirks and I'll have to post all of them in list form some time.

Well it's late and Coldplay is putting me to sleep. So I hope everyone's hump day went well. Cheers everyone!! There're only two more days this week then the weekend! YAAAYYYYYY!

wasting time...

So I want to make a new name for me for my AOL Instant Messenger handle. Right now it's "ngarvison," hardly imaginative; it's just my first initial and my last name. I don't really have any nicknames except Bartholomew. I used to be called "Naters" and "Marshmallow" but those were silly high school names by my then best friend Rachel. If anyone can think of something based on nicknames or something that I've posted here in the past few months, please comment and send something my way!

Wish me luck on my exam tonight! I hope it will be awesome. Linguistics shouldn't be too difficult; it's fairly easy to do the homework. Then I have to pound out the next greatest essay. :D

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Holy crap it's late!!!

So I found this site through a forum I belong to...It's a top 100 of quotes from the internet or TV by ignorant people (100% Christian BTW). A few of my favorites include:

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie

Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.

Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day.

I guess the poster of the last one didn't read where Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." It is so horrible that people think this way, but I must remind myself that not all Christians are this ignorant. It's just that when key Evangelical Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and the like say bigoted things, people listen and take note. It gets the attention of every one they are shouting out against, and then those people make rash decisions that all Christians are of that same belief. I'm out to prove those assumptions wrong. I will live my life in a way that Christ would. Now it's almost three o'clock in the morning and I have to be up in a few hours to go downtown to study. Auf Wiedersehen, bitches.

a fruitful weekend

So let's see what did I complete this weekend? Six short papers (approx. a page each), three chapter homework assignments, three problem sets, a bunch of reading, and some studying for my midterm on Tuesday. Even with all that, I still need to complete studying for my linguistics midterm on Tuesday, start and complete a five-page essay by Wednesday, study for my art history midterm which will comprise of reading approximately 400 pages of reading that I have not done for the entire term. The reason I'm so behind is because I have been a little down, but the main reason is because I have been consumed with puppyhood. For the past six weeks, I have been taking care of the Coopster, which turned out to be quite a task. Even now I must put him in his kennel in order to be able to complete a thing, seriously. I'll be sure to post more as the drama of the midterm week unfolds.

In good news, Josh and I are going to do something fun for Valentines Day, our one monther, and for the end of midterm week on Friday. We have decided to go bowling and then I will go to his house for the night and sleep in his bed cuddled up next to him. Depending on how things go, we may take it to the next level. But we'll discuss that when the time comes. Live in the moment.

Busy weekend!

Well, I didn't get any job applications out there this week. I think I had quite enough stress happening as it was. However, this weekend is turning out to be quite productive. Yesterday I worked on homework...and lots of it. I read my linguistics chapters to prepare for the midterm on Tuesday and did the make up homework for that class. So everything in linguistics is ready to turn in.

Today, I am going to work on the homework for my sexual and gender minority youth class. I have missed that class too often, but I am going to talk to my instructor and see if we can work out a deal because I have been going through the thick of hell. But today I will work on doing the make up for the class and write a five-page paper that's due this Wednesday. I will work on some art history also, although that's a low priority since analyzing art is mostly (if not all) common sense. I need to work on my paper that's due mid-March. I need to spend some serious time studying for that midterm as well.

Well, I feel a lot better also. My doctor added another medication to the mix and it perked me up a lot last night, but thank God I take sleeping meds or else I'd've been up all night!!! Cooper is annoying as fuck in the early morning hours, he's up whining pretty much regularly at 6:30 to 7:00, which wouldn't be a problem if I went to bed before midnight. Plus, I want to sleep in. I love my sleep. In fact, I may take an early morning nap after publishing this. But first I have to put Cooper in his kennel and deal with him whining about it for 20 minutes or so...sigh it's just like having a child.

A quick turn 'round

Josh came over tonight!!! And in so doing he and my mother duked it out. Well not really, but I like to think that they would have. Actually, what happened was good. They had a rather lengthy discussion--one that turned out to be over three hours long--about their mutual dislike for each other, which turned out to be baseless; about me and my mental status, which is embarrassing but necessary if we are to be close; and about what all of us must do for anything to be successful. I must do well in school this term or else nothing will work out. If I fail this term, it may very well be the end of my schooling. PSU doesn't seem to have put me on academic probation, but the risk of academic expulsion is high at this point. I failed both classes I took last term, and to do that again would put be behind so far both academically and financially that I may not survive it.

So I must put one foot in front of the other now and move forward one step at a time. For now my doctor has added another medication and recommended starting therapy as soon as possible. Also Mom is going to help me get my homework done this weekend, which means less time with Josh, but in the end it will mean more time with him. He was very understanding tonight even with all my issues, so I know he really is a great guy--truly wonderful indeed. So by the end of the weekend I should be caught up with all my homework and ready to face midterms this week to come. Wish me luck in the next few weeks that I may be the best I can be and not worry about what is to come, rather focus on what is now and what I can do to better myself in this moment so that I may prepare for what is to come, which I can only hope to be better than what is now. The good thing about being on the bottom is that you can only hope to get higher from there.

Something is not right...

So I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've been sleeping for ten or more hours at night. I don't know if it's because of a drug interaction or what, but my medications have not changed, only when I take them. Maybe I need to go back to taking certain meds in the morning and leaving the night free for taking the sleep aid...

Problems on the homefront

So there has been a wake of drama and problems at home in the past week. Some things have been said and done on both sides that are not right and may take a long time to heal if they aren't dealt with correctly or promptly. I feel bad for doing and saying some things, but the other involved party can't see past their issues either. I know that I need to make things right.

So you, my blogging friends, need to keep me accountable! I have some things I need to by the end of this week. And some things by the end of next week.

• Apply to 5 jobs a day Thursday and Friday.
• Finish all my back homework! And it's not as bad as I think it is....
• Call my counselor and make it current, even if he doesn't know how to deal with gay issues, he helps with other stuff.
• Get out and have some fun this weekend. I don't have money, but there's stuff to do around town that doesn't include having to pay!

To top off this fine evening I get back to my car only to find that it has been towed! So my grandparents are going to have to bail us out, and I'm going to have to go out to their place and work off the fee :( I can't believe I am such a dumbass. The problem with parking in a private lot is that it's never consistent as to when they will actually call and tow your car. It doesn't really make sense to tow your vehicle AFTER HOURS at a bank...but then when does life make sense. What I don't need is a few hundred dollar tow charge. Oh well. I'm sitting at the building from which it was towed, and all my old friends from the architecture department are walking by. How humiliating! Ugh. Lesson learned I suppose. And I got pissed tonight and threw and broke my phone. How smart of me. Another thing I can't afford right now is a new phone. RAZRs are shit, but they are on sale from Verizon with a new two -year contract (after paying the full $100 up front of course). Looks like my contract is up next month, so I'll be able to get a break on a new phone. And to top it all off, I am soaking wet from walking through torrents of rain downtown...my suede shoes are soaked and ruined. I hate Oregon...

Looks like like just isn't going my way at the moment. I hope that it will get better--it always does--but when the shit hits the fan, it makes the biggest mess ever! Hope everyone else's hump day went slightly better....slightly. Heh heh....

I can't get away

And I desperately need to. Among taking care of Cooper, my recovering mother, and starting my homework, I am stretched too thin. Cooper is easy, I can just take him for a long walk and he will play for a while and sleep. The only problem is that he will wake up in about two hours to have to go out. Speaking of which, I was extremely exhausted last night, when I got up with Cooper this morning to take him out he just went out to pee, which is normal. Then I sat on the couch to wait for him to eat some and take him out again. The problem this morning is that I fell asleep before I could take him out a second time, so he ended up pooping like two tons in the house. I woke up to that smell burning my nose, reluctantly disciplined him (I don't understand why he won't whine at me if I'm not paying attention), and took him out. I decided I would have no more of that so I put him in his kennel, while I dozed off again.

Soon enough Mom came downstairs, apologizing for her crappy attitude last night. But I guess I should start from the beginning...So she came home Thursday, the day after her surgery. Everything seemed to go well, she was very tired but otherwise okay. I went to class on Thursday in the evening. But I met a friend whom I hadn't seen for quite some time, and we had dinner. I enjoyed her company, but I didn't go to my second class. I don't really enjoy going to art history, so I don't feel bad about skipping, especially since I am well beyond the class. Anyway, I digress. All is well with her, she received a call from her doctor saying that she is officially CANCER FREE!!!! So that was very good news. But good news or not, being cooped up in the house (and the hospital) with her for five straight days is a bit much for anyone to handle. She already has much to say about my life, though I am trying my damnedest to free myself even just a little from her smothering. Now I know I am just growing up, but I've had several people say the same thing. She has too deep a hold in my life; she affects nearly every action I take. While I would like to move out on my own, I can't afford it at the moment. That being said, living at home is quite cheap, and I plan on living cheap for some time. Until then, however, I must remind her that it is my life and that she doesn't have much to say about it unless it affects her directly, in which case I will gladly concede or find a compromise.

Now to start my homework, which always seems so daunting until I actually start it. Then it is really quite easy, but the problem with it being so easy is that I get bored quickly. I just can't get too happy, can I?