I'm enjoying life again!

I know life isn’t perfect, but I believe we can enjoy life even in the worst of times. 2008 is halfway over, and I have wasted most of it. I have decided that life is too precious to let it waste away. I’m done with the down and I’m on with the up. My medication seems to have balanced out...except that my pharmacy screwed it up last time I went to fill it. I have a new computer that is so amazing that I can’t help but be grateful for it each day. I am taking design classes this summer—and I’m enjoying them! It’s the first time in a long time that I have felt enjoyment in an activity that would have felt boring and drab just a few months ago.

I think that by focusing on me so much in the past few months that I’ve actually failed as a person. Life isn’t perfect, and the more you focus on that the more you will be disappointed in it. You must learn to accept it all—good and bad. I have learned this the hard way in the past couple of years. In fact, life threw me a curveball. Someone I liked freaked out and stopped talking to me. It seemed odd in the beginning, but then I understood what the problem was. He just isn’t ready to be in a relationship—which is just fine with me! I don’t want to drag someone down and I definitely don’t want someone else to drag me down. I've certainly had my fill of “downness” for several people. No more feeling down or blue for no reason.

I am going to get out in life and live to the fullest! Happy July!

i got my new mac!

So I got my new MacBook Pro in the mail today! I'm so excited to get started designing on this thing. I look forward to what I can make on this thing. It is light years ahead of my old laptop—unbelievably so that it blows everything I used to do out of the water. I can have huge files open because I have tons of RAM…4GB in fact. But unfortunately it is much much too warm to get anything done. With it being nearly 100°F, it's really much too hot to do much of anything besides lie around. And with that, I'm off to cool down...enjoy sub-Saharan African weather in June in Oregon... :D

ch-ch-changes!

Well, last night the date I was supposed to have flaked on me. It's one thing after another it seems. I have other people that I like more, so this is not really worth my time :P Opportunities open or close for a reason I suppose. Maybe Mom is right, and this guy is some psycho or something. Whatever it is, there has to be a reason for this not working out. I may meet him once and not do it again. We'll see. Any advice would help!

Anyway, there is a guy with whom I play World of Warcraft that I'm really interested in meeting. He seems like a really nice guy. He's a total goof ball, living at home but planning on going to college next fall and moving out (and he really needs to also), and he's tall (me likey). He's not exactly my perfect physical type but we get along so well online that I'm sure I could get over that. There's nothing a little hair styling and clothes can't help out (me for example, heehee). Did I mention he's a redhead? Definitely mysterious and sexy.

I quit my job at Oaks Park. I couldn't stand working with trashy people (both employees and customers) everyday. Mom said it perfectly: I just outgrew the job. It worked fine for me when I was fresh out of high school and naïve. But being the mom she is, she also said that I've "grown up" a lot in the past year or so. It makes sense to me. I want to be on my own, I want love and companionship, and I want independence and a career. I'm tired of being a kid all the time. I want to be able to have the things in life that I've desired for so long: a husband and family of my own, a nice house/apartment somewhere close to my job, a close small circle of friends, and freedom to do as I choose. It's not a lot of ask for, but I still have a few years of preparation to be able to do it. Time will tell, and the anticipation that I may be able to do/have these things is motivation for me to do what I have to do. I already have a start on my family with my puppy Cooper.

All right now to go clean house. apply for work, and do some much neglected homework. Happy Sunday, everyone!

when your gaydar is broken...

The title has nothing to do with my entry. I just think it odd that people judge me as anything, gay or straight or whatever. I don't fit the stereotype of gay. I am even less gay than Will from Will & Grace. But I digress before I even begin...

I am saving for a new computer. I have in my hot little hand $350 for it too. I have just over $200 coming in the mail, bringing my progress to 22% of the total $2480 cost for a new MacBook Pro. I'm getting it with my $200 student discount, but I'm upgrading the ram for $180. My old Dell Latitude D810 is tired and about to break. The screen is already broken. But I'm going to save in the next few months and hope to have enough money by the end of June!

In other news, I'm going on a date tomorrow night. I have to work all day at Oaks Park, then I will meet this guy downtown at Henry's for dinner. The funny part is that Mom is telling me to watch out and make sure he's not like some Jeffery Dahmer or something. I mean seriously...I'm not going to his house. And I probably not going to go to his house for quite some time. I learned my lesson the first time with the last guy I "dated." Ugh. Lesson learned, I suppose. My plan this time is to just hang out with him, see if I like him, if it's worth my time to even get to know him. We'll take it from there. Sorta let my mind guide my heart and dick where they should go...not let my other head take over like happened last time.

In other news, my puppy developed kennel cough. Ruh-roh. We took him to the vet and we got him some cough suppressant and an antibiotic. Puppies are so expensive, but I think it's worth it in the end to have a healthy, good dog.

Anyhoo, I'm going get to bed now..late night.

school: week 4

So week four of spring term 2008 was blah...I dropped basic design because I was three weeks behind in work, which turned out to be hell going to the horse show last weekend. I had over 12 hours of homework to do...but I didn't ever have the opportunity to catch it up. Oh well I already took basic design anyway. Nothing interesting happened this week, which is probably why I didn't write anything lol.

Well, I have a story for today though...I was trying to clean up my flash drive. But instead of organizing it and making it perty, I erased ALL my work from this term for my digital graphics class. As you may have guessed I haven't taken the time to back up my work yet. >< That will teach me!!!!

In other bad news, I'm coming down with a cold. So when I go to work tomorrow, I will be carrying around tissues and washing my hands whenever possible. I don't feel like sharing...I should probably call in sick, but I can't really afford it. :P I'm unsuccessfully saving for a new computer monitor...that's most of the reason I haven't been blogging regularly. I need portability....and of course everything fails at the same time....my power cord is on the fritz too. Blearghhh!!!!!!!!!!

I know I'm being a total downer....so for some good news! I met someone online a while back and we've clicked online...so I'm open to dating. But you never know until you meet someone...you can have great talks on the phone and online, but chemistry is 90% of it. So here's hoping for the best. He seems like a great guy, and he thinks the same about me from what he's said.

Well, I'm off to bed to sleep off this cold. Nyquil, baby!

insomniacs anonymous

I am in a weird place right now. I really enjoy my life...mostly. It's just really frustrating when you get stuck somewhere. I have been stuck in a place for a long time. It hasn't been a good place. But I'm on the up. Like my last entry a while back, I felt like a fire burned within me, trying to get out. It consumed everything around me, but never me. The ironic part about the fire was that the passion with the fire was still trapped in me. I recently got it out. It's not as rapturous as the 'phoenix' story; it's more of a process than a quick change.

The process drags on, but little steps are better than stagnancy. I changed my major officially to graphic design. I finally got into all my classes last week (that's week three if you didn't know), so not only do i have to prove that I want to be in these classes, I must catch up on all back work. The worst class is going to have to be basic design, which I already took at University of Oregon, but the term that I took it it was only offered in a Pass/No Pass option, but for my major I must take it for a grade. So here we go again. Haha. I think I will enjoy it as much this time as I did the first time around. Basic design is just that, basic, but it's invigorating to be able to design something so basic. Simplicity is my best design type. Simple does not mean easy by any means; in fact, it's quite difficult to keep something sparse while portraying depth of thought and intent.

I'm also in a digital graphics class. w00t! It's really easy and basic, but it's teaching me how to use Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop. Add a lower division art history class (from the Rococo to present age) and you've got a full term. My only complaint is that I have to take so many lower divisions classes (1-200 levels) before I can even submit my "sophomore" portfolio review. I could say that I wish I had started out here and just done my thing, but then I wouldn't have the experience of U of O, which is leaps and bounds above PSU.

Speaking of that, though, I was talking to my new counselor (and later with Mom) and we came to the conclusion that maybe I'm just ready move on to grad school. I'm advanced enough in critical thinking in art and architecture that I just get bored. When there's no challenge, I just say "fuck it" and don't do it. Because honestly I could do this stuff in my sleep, but I just don't put forward any effort in it. But I am giving myself a challenge. I am disallowing any missed classes except for emergencies only. I quite enjoy going to classes, and I am always a favorite of teachers (I think it's my Gemini social tendencies, which is ironic because I'm really shy).

So this term I think I just need to get credit for classes (and decent grades if I can swing it). I have an exam today that I likely won't do too well on because I hadn't been going to class until last week, but getting 40-50% is better than a zero in the end of it all. So this morning I must study and kick ass today in both my classes and then come home and work on four make up projects due tomorrow that I haven't had a chance to work on all weekend since I was out of town and working 14+ hours a day (and it works out to less than minimum wage in the end btw). It's not so bad; my only problem is that it was SNOWING in Oregon and it's freakin almost May. One plus is that I met a really cute paramedic there; he even asked my mom about me and when she told him I was gay, he raised it eyebrows and said "oh really" like he was interested. The really funny part about it is that I don't even know his name--I just know that he was cute and interested in me. :D

Alright, off to a big day. Happy Monday, everyone!

phoenix

I feel like I've awoken from a long, somewhat restful sleep. It was unnatural how long I slept, quiet and alone. I dreamt I was running alone in the wilderness, unable to see through the thickness of trees and brush, thorns and twigs scratching at my skin and eyes, blood trickling from my superficial wounds. I was panicked. Panicked. No matter which way I turned it all looked the same, the same moss-covered trees and logs, the same shrubs bearing bright red, poisonous berries. A beast was gnawing on my stomach, begging to be fed. I tried to scream, but my dry throat knew no sound. I ran, stumbled, fell. Everywhere I went, I was surrounded by horror and deep oblivion.

It struck me then. The only thing that this forest was vulnerable to was fire. I only had to ignite the fire within me. This place was only my imagination after all. My heart burned hot, searing the beast in my abdomen. Flames engulfed my torso, moving out rapidly to my extremities. Fire burned everything around me, the wilderness collapsed around me in a heap of ash, white flames radiated from my body. Wave after wave of passion rose in me, pushing the fire further and further from my body. When the fire died out around me, I collapsed naked on the ground, exhausted from the passion that had overcome me.

Fear had fled. My terror passed. I was free of the torment. Calmly I lay there, feeling each cold breath enter my chest, cooling the fire. The heat subsided, but it still remained. The reminder that I had it in me to move forward, to rise like the phoenix from the ashes naked and vulnerable. My chest rose and fell; slow, careful breaths crept in and escaped. In place of fire moved quiet strength. I rose a new man. I knew I would never be the same.